How To Spot A Douchebag

The tell­tale signs why you should stay far away from him.

CLEO (Malaysia) - - MAGAZINE - By David Smiedt

Douchedar noun 1. The tal­ent for in­tu­it­ing that a fe­male friend’s new man is a douchebag long be­fore she does. Along with the abil­ity to never find porn repet­i­tive and to har­bour the faint hope we’re in with a shot at Mi­randa Kerr, this is one of the few su­per­pow­ers men hold. It’s best not to delve too deeply into the source of this gift – mainly be­cause we see our own less-than-stellar traits re­flected in this man’s ac­tions – but it comes from a place of care.

1 Abs-Olutely Un­nec­es­sary

The re­sults of all those hours he spends in the gym should be seen in only three places: The pool, the gym, and the bed­room. That means no In­sta­gram, no Twit­ter, and no Face­book. A man who feels the need to share his pecs on so­cial me­dia – es­pe­cially as a pro­file pic – has more bag­gage than a Sam­sonite fac­tory and a dis­turb­ing level of van­ity. This does not bode well for him valu­ing a woman’s mind over her body, nor be­ing ac­cept­ing of her phys­i­cal­ity when he is clearly so para­noid about his that he needs con­stant re­in­force­ment.

2 Jeans Too Tight? Not Al­right

As with the to­p­less so­cial me­dia shot, your guy friends will get pro­tec­tive if your new man shows up in a deep V-neck tee with chest stub­ble. Same goes for sin­glets with arm­holes that go all the way down to his waist. As sure as you can say “af­ter­shave over­load”, our in­stincts are telling us we’re deal­ing with a can­di­date who places way too much im­por­tance on ap­pear­ances. He’ll fo­cus on what you look like more than your heart. Also, look out for blind­ing cos­metic den­tistry, a pen­chant for dif­fu­sion lines with the de­signer’s name all over them, square-toed shoes that tilt up­wards at the end, and jeans so tight you can tell what re­li­gion he is.

3 “Street” Names

Nick­names are great. If you’re 10. But if his name is John and he in­sists his mates call him Jimmy, Jay B or Jay-Dog, steer clear. Aside from the fact that you’ll also be sad­dled with “Shortie”, “Boo”, “Sweet Lips” or some­thing equally as cre­ative in no time, this speaks of lack of self-worth on his part. Th­ese chasms need fill­ing via con­stant ego boosts and if you’re not around to sup­ply them in your role as cheer­leader, he’ll find some­one who is.

“It’s only a mat­ter of time be­fore he re­quests a sexy shot in re­turn.”

4 Mul­ti­ple Phones

No one needs more than one mo­bile. Un­less they have some­thing to hide from some­one. And by some­one, we mean you.

5 A Key Ges­ture

There’s noth­ing wrong with hav­ing nice wheels. But when he con­stantly pops his keys on the ta­ble – so the Mercedes, BMW or Audi logo is clearly vis­i­ble – trou­ble’s a-brewin’. This is a man who places un­due im­por­tance on his pos­ses­sions. He no doubt has a men­tal vi­sion board of his ver­sion of suc­cess and the right type of girl­friend is way up there. In other words, rather than sweep­ing him away with your unique­ness, it’s more likely you fit into a pre­de­ter­mined list of cat­e­gories. Just like the other items in his def­i­ni­tion of achieve­ment.

6 Fives And Fists

There’s a rea­son the good old firm hand­shake has en­dured as the pre­ferred form of male greet­ing. High fives, fist bumps, and that weird grippy hand­shake ten­nis play­ers do are em­bar­rass­ing at best and sus­pi­cious at worst. They be­tray a frat boy men­tal­ity and are the hall­marks of a man who uses the ex­pres­sion “bros be­fore hos” around his mates and doesn’t un­der­stand why this is an in­sult to all con­cerned.


Men are gen­er­ally ret­i­cent when it comes to grand ges­tures early in a re­la­tion­ship and with good rea­son. Flow­ers the day af­ter the first date set the bar way too high and any­thing that can be mea­sured in carats within a month is a touch creepy. So if we see another man los­ing all sense of per­spec­tive and ap­pro­pri­ate­ness, we don’t think he’s just deliri­ously in love. This is not about gen­eros­ity but an agenda; an at­tempt to hurry things along or sub­vert your nat­u­ral de­fences. We know be­cause we’ve tried it and it rarely works out well.

8 Dick Pics

Why would you even want a pic­ture of his pe­nis? He may try to con­vince you that this is hightech fore­play but it’s not. Just the idea of it will get your male mates’ hack­les up be­cause we know it’s only a mat­ter of time be­fore he re­quests a sexy shot in re­turn with the as­sur­ance, “C’mon babe, I swear I’ll never show it to any­one.” Yeah, and the Syria con­flict is go­ing to re­solve it­self peace­fully.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Malaysia

© PressReader. All rights reserved.