How To Spot A Douchebag
The telltale signs why you should stay far away from him.
Douchedar noun 1. The talent for intuiting that a female friend’s new man is a douchebag long before she does. Along with the ability to never find porn repetitive and to harbour the faint hope we’re in with a shot at Miranda Kerr, this is one of the few superpowers men hold. It’s best not to delve too deeply into the source of this gift – mainly because we see our own less-than-stellar traits reflected in this man’s actions – but it comes from a place of care.
1 Abs-Olutely Unnecessary
The results of all those hours he spends in the gym should be seen in only three places: The pool, the gym, and the bedroom. That means no Instagram, no Twitter, and no Facebook. A man who feels the need to share his pecs on social media – especially as a profile pic – has more baggage than a Samsonite factory and a disturbing level of vanity. This does not bode well for him valuing a woman’s mind over her body, nor being accepting of her physicality when he is clearly so paranoid about his that he needs constant reinforcement.
2 Jeans Too Tight? Not Alright
As with the topless social media shot, your guy friends will get protective if your new man shows up in a deep V-neck tee with chest stubble. Same goes for singlets with armholes that go all the way down to his waist. As sure as you can say “aftershave overload”, our instincts are telling us we’re dealing with a candidate who places way too much importance on appearances. He’ll focus on what you look like more than your heart. Also, look out for blinding cosmetic dentistry, a penchant for diffusion lines with the designer’s name all over them, square-toed shoes that tilt upwards at the end, and jeans so tight you can tell what religion he is.
3 “Street” Names
Nicknames are great. If you’re 10. But if his name is John and he insists his mates call him Jimmy, Jay B or Jay-Dog, steer clear. Aside from the fact that you’ll also be saddled with “Shortie”, “Boo”, “Sweet Lips” or something equally as creative in no time, this speaks of lack of self-worth on his part. These chasms need filling via constant ego boosts and if you’re not around to supply them in your role as cheerleader, he’ll find someone who is.
“It’s only a matter of time before he requests a sexy shot in return.”
4 Multiple Phones
No one needs more than one mobile. Unless they have something to hide from someone. And by someone, we mean you.
5 A Key Gesture
There’s nothing wrong with having nice wheels. But when he constantly pops his keys on the table – so the Mercedes, BMW or Audi logo is clearly visible – trouble’s a-brewin’. This is a man who places undue importance on his possessions. He no doubt has a mental vision board of his version of success and the right type of girlfriend is way up there. In other words, rather than sweeping him away with your uniqueness, it’s more likely you fit into a predetermined list of categories. Just like the other items in his definition of achievement.
6 Fives And Fists
There’s a reason the good old firm handshake has endured as the preferred form of male greeting. High fives, fist bumps, and that weird grippy handshake tennis players do are embarrassing at best and suspicious at worst. They betray a frat boy mentality and are the hallmarks of a man who uses the expression “bros before hos” around his mates and doesn’t understand why this is an insult to all concerned.
7 OTT OMG
Men are generally reticent when it comes to grand gestures early in a relationship and with good reason. Flowers the day after the first date set the bar way too high and anything that can be measured in carats within a month is a touch creepy. So if we see another man losing all sense of perspective and appropriateness, we don’t think he’s just deliriously in love. This is not about generosity but an agenda; an attempt to hurry things along or subvert your natural defences. We know because we’ve tried it and it rarely works out well.
8 Dick Pics
Why would you even want a picture of his penis? He may try to convince you that this is hightech foreplay but it’s not. Just the idea of it will get your male mates’ hackles up because we know it’s only a matter of time before he requests a sexy shot in return with the assurance, “C’mon babe, I swear I’ll never show it to anyone.” Yeah, and the Syria conflict is going to resolve itself peacefully.