Love & Lust

Re­think your dat­ing check­list.

CLEO (Malaysia) - - NEWS -

I have a friend who, by all ac­counts, is what you’d clas­sify as a bona fide catch. But spend five min­utes on the topic of re­la­tion­ships with my gal pal and she’ll give it to you straight – there are no good guys out there. Go­ing off her check­list, she’s look­ing for some­one who’s tall with blue eyes and shares her en­thu­si­asm for or­ganic farm­ers’ mar­kets. Seems rea­son­able, right? Well, ac­cord­ing to psy­chol­ogy pro­fes­sor and au­thor of The Science Of Hap­pily Ever Af­ter, Dr Ty Tashiro, my mate’s prob­a­bly never go­ing to find love be­cause all of her needs are ma­te­ri­al­is­tic. Be­fore you rip this ar­ti­cle out and burn it to a pile of ash, read on – he might have a point.

The Science Be­hind Love

Dr Tashiro says there is a science be­hind find­ing Mr Right. “Imag­ine there are 100 el­i­gi­ble bach­e­lors and you want some­one who is six feet or taller. Only 20 per cent of men meet this cri­te­ria, so 80 of the 100 men would leave,” Dr Tashiro ex­plains. “If you want some­one with a ter­tiary ed­u­ca­tion, another 16 of the re­main­ing 20 would leave.” If you’ve got a check­list full of things like a love of or­ganic food, you’re quickly go­ing to find your­self in an empty room. If we agree with Dr Tashiro’s con­cept, the big­ger you make your check­list, the harder it will be to find some­one who meets all of your cri­te­ria.

Out With The Old

We’re al­ways bang­ing on about how guys are su­per­fi­cial when it comes to dat­ing, but maybe we’re just as bad. “In stud­ies look­ing at what men and women ac­tu­ally pri­ori­tise while choos­ing part­ners, re­searchers find that women spend two of their three wishes on looks and money.” While there’s noth­ing wrong with want­ing some­one who’s at­trac­tive and cashed up, Dr Tashiro warns our ten­dency to search for the rich­est, hottest hunk is lousy in terms of long-term re­la­tion­ship sat­is­fac­tion. “We’re of­ten cap­ti­vated by part­ners who are ex­cit­ing and re­ally ab­sorbed in the re­la­tion­ship from the start,” he ex­plains. How­ever, he says these types of part­ners are “nov­elty seek­ers” who love the ex­cite­ment of the chase. “So, it’s no sur­prise that nov­elty seek­ers are also more likely to be­come bored with things, in­clud­ing you,” he says.

New Wish List

While there’s no one-size-fits-all ap­proach to fall­ing in love, Dr Tashiro’s ar­gu­ment raises the ques­tion as to whether we’re fo­cus­ing on the wrong kinds of things from guys and over­look­ing the bor­ing (but nec­es­sary) nitty-gritty of re­la­tion­ships, like trust and sta­bil­ity. “One of the best things part­ners can do is to re­spond with in­ter­est and en­thu­si­asm to the small vic­to­ries we ex­pe­ri­ence,” Dr Tashiro ad­vises. He says it’s not un­com­mon for some­one to re­spond with a lack of en­thu­si­asm when they’re not in­vested in the re­la­tion­ship. So what should be in our top three wishes? Dr Tashiro’s method calls for start­ing with traits that are must-haves and fin­ish­ing with a cou­ple of things you would like and then cir­cle the top three. “By be­ing clear about the things you want in a re­la­tion­ship, [you can be] stub­born about find­ing some­one who em­bod­ies those char­ac­ter­is­tics,” he ex­plains. If you need more guid­ance, he sug­gests writ­ing down “emo­tional sta­bil­ity”. While it doesn’t sound as sexy as baby-blue eyes, Dr Tashiro says it’s a sure bet for a long, happy re­la­tion­ship.

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