Bust That Move Tonight
Fifty Shades of Grey is page-turningly hot. If you can’t sit tight until the movie’s release next year, why don’t you try on a few of the sex challenges and see if any of its kinky diversions work in your bedroom?
It’s the fastest-selling book of all time and it’s getting women the world over hot and steamy under the collar. What’s that? You still haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey? Here’s the crib: Anastasia Steele, a uni student and virgin, meets Christian Grey, a quadzillionaire CEO and Adonis who flies his own helicopter. He pursues her and she’s almost instantly won over (did I mention the helicopter?). However, it turns out he’s really only into whips and chains-style S&M, which is a bit too much for Ana the virgin, but she wants to keep her newfound provider of explosive orgasms so she tries to give it a go. The result is a lot of sex, a little bit of spanking and the revelation that Christian is, as he puts it, 50 shades of f%#*ed-up due to a sordid past. But what I want to know is, is it all as erotic as it sounds? In the name of journalism, I took four sex scenes and tested them out at home. My partner in crime was VNB (Very New Boyfriend), but I shall henceforth refer to him as NQC (Not Quite Christian).
The scene: The first sex act in the book (aka Ana’s first-ever orgasm) comes by way of a little nipple tweaking. That’s right – using nothing but simple breast manipulation, Christian gets Anastasia’s body “convulsing and shattering into a thousand pieces”. Okay, then.
The DIY: I let NQC read the scene from the book. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he says. “Dude, that’s not even the half of it,” I reply. I get the feeling that NQC thinks perhaps he’s getting the raw end of the deal here, and I would have to agree. But after an appropriate length of foreplay, he begins. It’s nice and all, but try as I might, I am still in one piece. Surely if it were this easy to orgasm, nursing mothers would be constantly... shattered? In the end it’s just frustrating, sexually and otherwise. My nipples are sore for two days afterwards.
The scene: Christian ties Ana to her bed with a silk tie. He leaves her there, chats to her flatmate for a while, uncorks some wine, then returns to blindfold her and feed her the wine by way of his own mouth. And how does Christian follow that up? The Fifty Shades way, of course – by lifting her legs over her head and having his wicked way with her.
The DIY: “Can I use my old school tie, please? I don’t want to mess up any of my good ones.” That’s the spirit, NQC. I thought he would be right into this one but again, I think he feels like he’s doing most of the work. And he’s right. But it is pretty hot – the cold wine, the friction of the tie – and I feel like we’re filming a porno. This is definitely worth adding to the repertoire. “Next time, it’s your turn,” I tell him. This, he likes.
The scene: Christian inserts some metal balls into Anastasia’s “sex” (because for some reason the word “vagina” doesn’t seem to be in her loquacious vocabulary), then spanks her until she’s on the verge of release, before replacing the balls with himself and giving her said release.
The DIY: “Let’s try this one with maybe just the spanking,” I suggest. NQC smiles. Hmm, he seems eager to try this scene. I giggle during the entire set-up and the first three times his hand makes contact, I really do feel like a naughty schoolgirl. But then the sting presents itself with full force. This scene seems to make that heady Christianesque push-her-up-against-a-wall masculinity ooze out of NQC in spades, and what girl doesn’t want that? As a one-off, it’s not bad, but if I had to do it every day, I’d probably end up punching him in the face.
The scene: After a heated emotional discussion about his past, Ana straddles Christian in a giant hotel bath tub until they orgasm at exactly the same time (this happy coincidence seems to occur quite a lot in the book). Oh yeah, and she also has her period at the time.
The DIY: “Um, let’s try it when Aunty Flo’s not in town,” says NQC. I groan. “Who taught you to call it Aunty Flo? That’s terrible!” I agree to his terms though, as it sounds much less crimson an affair. NQC even books a hotel. Two ties already! The air is electric as I run the bath; we’re both squirming to try it. As it turns out, it’s amazing. Like, ‘dip me in Nutella and spread me on toast’ amazing. We do it twice more before checking out and I only fantasise that NQC is the real Christian Grey once.