Bust That Move Tonight

Fifty Shades of Grey is page-turn­ingly hot. If you can’t sit tight un­til the movie’s re­lease next year, why don’t you try on a few of the sex chal­lenges and see if any of its kinky di­ver­sions work in your bed­room?

CLEO (Malaysia) - - SMART REPORT -

It’s the fastest-sell­ing book of all time and it’s get­ting women the world over hot and steamy un­der the col­lar. What’s that? You still haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey? Here’s the crib: Anas­ta­sia Steele, a uni stu­dent and vir­gin, meets Chris­tian Grey, a quadzil­lion­aire CEO and Ado­nis who flies his own he­li­copter. He pur­sues her and she’s al­most in­stantly won over (did I men­tion the he­li­copter?). How­ever, it turns out he’s re­ally only into whips and chains-style S&M, which is a bit too much for Ana the vir­gin, but she wants to keep her new­found provider of ex­plo­sive or­gasms so she tries to give it a go. The re­sult is a lot of sex, a lit­tle bit of spank­ing and the reve­la­tion that Chris­tian is, as he puts it, 50 shades of f%#*ed-up due to a sordid past. But what I want to know is, is it all as erotic as it sounds? In the name of jour­nal­ism, I took four sex scenes and tested them out at home. My part­ner in crime was VNB (Very New Boyfriend), but I shall hence­forth re­fer to him as NQC (Not Quite Chris­tian).

Chal­lenge #1

The scene: The first sex act in the book (aka Ana’s first-ever or­gasm) comes by way of a lit­tle nip­ple tweak­ing. That’s right – us­ing noth­ing but sim­ple breast ma­nip­u­la­tion, Chris­tian gets Anas­ta­sia’s body “con­vuls­ing and shat­ter­ing into a thou­sand pieces”. Okay, then.

The DIY: I let NQC read the scene from the book. “You’ve got to be kid­ding me,” he says. “Dude, that’s not even the half of it,” I re­ply. I get the feel­ing that NQC thinks per­haps he’s get­ting the raw end of the deal here, and I would have to agree. But af­ter an ap­pro­pri­ate length of fore­play, he be­gins. It’s nice and all, but try as I might, I am still in one piece. Surely if it were this easy to or­gasm, nurs­ing moth­ers would be con­stantly... shat­tered? In the end it’s just frus­trat­ing, sex­u­ally and oth­er­wise. My nip­ples are sore for two days af­ter­wards.

Chal­lenge #2

The scene: Chris­tian ties Ana to her bed with a silk tie. He leaves her there, chats to her flat­mate for a while, un­corks some wine, then re­turns to blind­fold her and feed her the wine by way of his own mouth. And how does Chris­tian fol­low that up? The Fifty Shades way, of course – by lift­ing her legs over her head and hav­ing his wicked way with her.

The DIY: “Can I use my old school tie, please? I don’t want to mess up any of my good ones.” That’s the spirit, NQC. I thought he would be right into this one but again, I think he feels like he’s do­ing most of the work. And he’s right. But it is pretty hot – the cold wine, the fric­tion of the tie – and I feel like we’re film­ing a porno. This is def­i­nitely worth adding to the reper­toire. “Next time, it’s your turn,” I tell him. This, he likes.

Chal­lenge #3

The scene: Chris­tian in­serts some metal balls into Anas­ta­sia’s “sex” (be­cause for some rea­son the word “vag­ina” doesn’t seem to be in her lo­qua­cious vo­cab­u­lary), then spanks her un­til she’s on the verge of re­lease, be­fore re­plac­ing the balls with him­self and giv­ing her said re­lease.

The DIY: “Let’s try this one with maybe just the spank­ing,” I sug­gest. NQC smiles. Hmm, he seems ea­ger to try this scene. I gig­gle dur­ing the en­tire set-up and the first three times his hand makes con­tact, I re­ally do feel like a naughty school­girl. But then the sting presents it­self with full force. This scene seems to make that heady Chris­tianesque push-her-up-against-a-wall mas­culin­ity ooze out of NQC in spades, and what girl doesn’t want that? As a one-off, it’s not bad, but if I had to do it ev­ery day, I’d prob­a­bly end up punch­ing him in the face.

Chal­lenge #4

The scene: Af­ter a heated emo­tional dis­cus­sion about his past, Ana strad­dles Chris­tian in a gi­ant ho­tel bath tub un­til they or­gasm at ex­actly the same time (this happy co­in­ci­dence seems to oc­cur quite a lot in the book). Oh yeah, and she also has her pe­riod at the time.

The DIY: “Um, let’s try it when Aunty Flo’s not in town,” says NQC. I groan. “Who taught you to call it Aunty Flo? That’s ter­ri­ble!” I agree to his terms though, as it sounds much less crim­son an af­fair. NQC even books a ho­tel. Two ties al­ready! The air is elec­tric as I run the bath; we’re both squirm­ing to try it. As it turns out, it’s amaz­ing. Like, ‘dip me in Nutella and spread me on toast’ amaz­ing. We do it twice more be­fore check­ing out and I only fan­ta­sise that NQC is the real Chris­tian Grey once.

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