LOSE MR WRONG NAIL MR RIGHT What he’s thinking during sex with you
The hunt for Mr Right inevitably means compromise, but there are some guys who are just plain bad news.
The Jealous Guy
Partners who have been taken over by the green-eyed monster often try to manipulate and control their significant other. This is exactly what happened to Natalie, 28. When she met her ex-husband, he seemed like a nice guy, but it wasn’t long before his envious nature reared its ugly head. “He cut me off from my friends and would get aggressive if men spoke to me,” Natalie says. “I wasn’t even allowed to wear certain clothes or colours.”
WHAT TO DO: “It’s never okay to be controlled by your partner. His tactics are just another form of emotional abuse,” explains psychologist and life coach Miriam Henke (miriamhenke. com). This type of person can be hard to spot if their true colours aren’t initially revealed. The warning signs to keep your eye out for is if he feels threatened by your interaction with other people, obsessively questions your whereabouts, and tries to control who you see.
Jo, 26, realised her ex preferred time with his pals over hanging with her. “Every Friday night, he would be out with them, but I only saw him twice during the week and on Sundays, when he’d be half asleep from the night before. I felt like I was always last in the relationship.”
WHAT TO DO: “The ‘bro’ is at ease with men, so hanging out with his friends is where he spends most of his free time,” says Henke. She suggests to become part of his social circle. If joining isn’t an option, it might be time to leave.
He points out your flaws, and all of his criticisms will lead any woman dating him to feel like her self-esteem is under assault. Grace, 22, broke it off with her boyfriend after his comments actually left her feeling worthless. “He would make underhanded compliments like, ‘That dress is pretty; it would look better if you were skinnier.’ He would call me ugly and say he was the best I could do.” Thankfully, her best friend and mum intervened, and Grace got out of there.
WHAT TO DO: “If this guy is regularly putting you down, that’s emotional abuse,” Henke confirms. “By lowering your self-esteem, this guy feels more powerful. Stand up for yourself to let him know you will not tolerate emotional abuse. And if he does it again, walk away.”
The Gym Junkie
Wanting to be healthy is a positive thing, but it can sometimes be taken too far, as Leanne, 27, found out when her ex-boyfriend became obsessed with CrossFit. “He would also be so strict with his bedtimes that sex had to fit into these times.”
WHAT TO DO: “Exercise and good nutrition is one thing, but having an addiction to the gym is another,” Henke says. “The gym junkie might look good, but he’s obsessed with himself and doesn’t leave room for you. Unless you’re happy to be low on someone’s priority list, avoid this type at all costs.”
Lauren, 23, found out the hard way that the guy she’d been dating was an ice addict. “I suspected he’d had experience with drugs, but it wasn’t until I found several ice pipes that I realised how deep into it he was,” she says. “At first, he was such great company, but as his drug use got heavier, he’d get crazy moody and paranoid. It became unhealthy.”
WHAT TO DO: The easiest way to recognise an addict is their alcoholand/or drug-taking behaviour, and whether that causes problems in their life – work, family and friends. Don’t think your love is enough to change them, as they’re dealing with a serious illness. “Addictions are difficult to treat, even by trained professionals,” says Henke. “It’s better to not ignore the warning signs. Too many women try to ‘fix’ or ‘heal ’ an addict, only causing themselves a lot of heartache.”
Not-so-great guys aside, keep your eye on the dating horizon ... You never know who you’ll find.