Women only or­gasm a third of the time men do – be­cause we’re “com­pli­cated” and “take longer”. But what if that just wasn’t true? This story could change the way you have sex for­ever ...

CLEO (Malaysia) - - LOVE & SEX SPECIAL -

Say it with us: ‘Saty­ro­ma­niac’. Not sure what it means? Then you’re in good com­pany with spellcheck and Google. It’s ac­tu­ally the male ver­sion of ‘nympho­ma­niac’ – the deroga­tory term for a woman with a high sex drive, which we bet you prob­a­bly knew. We bet you also know ‘frigid’ – the de­grad­ing term for low sex­ual de­sire in, yes, you guessed it, women. A male ver­sion doesn’t seem to ex­ist. So, in two in­cred­i­bly com­mon words (nei­ther with a com­monly heard-of male coun­ter­part) we’re told women are too sex­ual or not sex­ual enough. If movie sex scenes are any­thing to go by, the right amount of sex­ual is about five thrusts. And if the misog­y­nis­tic terms and two min­utes of ac­tual in­ter­course aren’t enough to make you or­gasm, it’s be­cause you’re “com­pli­cated down there” or “en­joy cud­dling af­ter­wards any­way”. “Men have had the priv­i­lege of con­trol­ling the pub­lic dis­cus­sion about fe­male or­gasm for cen­turies,” ex­plains Tr­isha Borow­icz, a molec­u­lar bi­ol­o­gist. She di­rected the award-win­ning in­die film Sci­ence, Sex, And The Ladies to de­bunk the “sh*t tonne of con­fu­sion” about the fe­male or­gasm. “We’re bom­barded with de­pic­tions, jokes and dis­cus­sion of the fe­male or­gasm that are sim­ply not re­al­is­tic. The more we ladies talk hon­estly with each other, the bet­ter this will get,” she adds. Con­sider this your equal op­por­tu­nity con­tract for plea­sure.

But first, let’s just re­cap the OQ (Or­gasm IQ)

We learnt the ‘O word’ dur­ing high school, but be­yond vague­ness about waves and a peak, most of us would flunk a bi­ol­ogy exam. “Dic­tio­nar­ies de­clare, ‘Or­gasm is the cli­max of sex­ual ex­cite­ment.’ Does that make you any the wiser? I doubt it,” says Dr Vivi­enne Cass, ad­junct as­so­ciate pro­fes­sor at Curtin Univer­sity and au­thor of The Elu­sive Or­gasm. But try­ing to reach that or­gasm with­out ever truly know­ing what your body’s try­ing to tell you can be more frus­trat­ing than try­ing to re­mem­ber your Ap­ple ID. You just won’t get far.

“A per­son first needs to be aroused,” says Borow­icz. Turn-ons (smell, touch, sound, sight) are in­cred­i­bly in­di­vid­ual, “but once arousal hap­pens, our bod­ies re­act sim­i­larly”. Blood flows down to your gen­i­tals, tens­ing the mus­cles in that area. Keep stim­u­lat­ing your cli­toris, and an or­gasm is when the tense mus­cles in your pelvis sud­denly re­lax. In­vol­un­tary con­trac­tions come ev­ery 0.8 sec­onds, with three to 12 likely in to­tal.

Err, so why haven’t we even men­tioned the vagina yet?

The thing is, vag­i­nas have kind of been ex­ag­ger­at­ing the plea­sure-giv­ing sec­tion of their CVs. No vagi­nal or­gasms have ever been recorded by lab equip­ment – and not be­cause of the tech. The only proof is peo­ple’s claims;

in one in­stance, a doc­tor touched women in­ter­nally un­til they said they had a vagi­nal or­gasm – though even he ad­mit­ted he didn’t feel any mus­cu­lar signs of it. So why do we con­sider pe­nis-in-vagina the way to win at sex? Blame Sig­mund Freud. Based on zero ev­i­dence, he said cli­toral or­gasms were “im­ma­ture” and af­ter pu­berty, women should then ad­vance to vagi­nal ones.

Of course, vagi­nal con­tact can still feel great. “There are women who find stim­u­la­tion of the G-spot plea­sur­able; stim­u­lat­ing that area can cause arousal,” says Borow­icz. How­ever, what we know for a fact is man­ual stim­u­la­tion of the cli­toris gives us the strong­est or­gasm. “The vagina is not the fe­male plea­sure or­gan,” Borow­icz adds. Wil­liam Masters and Vir­ginia John­son proved this – in a lab! – in 1966. We knew it 50 years ago.


whole ‘women take ages’ thing? Let’s as­sess …

“Th­ese are the sto­ries we tell our­selves: That women’s bod­ies are sim­ply more dif­fi­cult or the cli­toris is hard to find and com­pli­cated to op­er­ate,” says so­ci­ol­o­gist Dr Lisa Wade, au­thor of Gen­der: Ideas, In­ter­ac­tions, In­sti­tu­tions. What we rarely hear is this statis­tic: That, when touch­ing our­selves, the av­er­age time it takes us to or­gasm is four min­utes. Yep, ex­actly the same as a man. Sex re­searcher Al­fred Kin­sey spoke to 6,000 women to suss this out. In 1953. Go fig­ure.


nor­mal to have ghost-gasms

You’ve most-likely ex­pe­ri­enced this an­noy­ing feel­ing be­fore. One minute you’re tee­ter­ing so close to the edge that you need a handrail, and the next, it’s van­ished. But this pol­ter­geist plea­sure – what Dr Cass calls a ‘plateau’ – is com­pletely nor­mal. “De­pend­ing on our mood, what’s hap­pen­ing around us, and so on, arousal may de­crease or level out,” she ex­plains, not­ing that it’s par­tic­u­larly com­mon just be­fore an or­gasm, or to hap­pen sev­eral times. “Many women and just stop all sex­ual ac­tiv­ity when they start los­ing the ‘feel­ing’. If they’d known that it’s per­fectly nor­mal for their sex­ual arousal to go up and down, they might have en­joyed the mo­ment un­til their arousal built to­wards a cli­max.” Pa­tience, ladies!

Know your or­gasm en­ti­tle­ments

A re­cent US study found a way to crack the gen­der gap: Turn­ing a ra­tio of three male or­gasms for ev­ery one fe­male into (prac­ti­cally equal) 1.04:1 odds. How? In­crease the num­ber of times a cou­ple sleeps to­gether (re­la­tion­ships give seven times more or­gasms than hookups) and the num­ber of ac­tiv­i­ties per ses­sion (com­bin­ing oral sex, in­ter­course and cli­toral self-stim­u­la­tion had up to a 92 per cent or­gasm suc­cess rate). The rea­son that hook-ups fared so badly was that women didn’t re­ally feel en­ti­tled to come. One woman, in­ter­viewed by so­ci­ol­o­gist El­iz­a­beth Arm­strong, ad­mit­ted, “I’ll do ev­ery­thing in my power, to get [him] off.” But on the like­li­hood of bring­ing a women to or­gasm, a man replied, “In a hook-up, I don’t give a sh*t.”

So, do you still think your “dif­fi­cult” gen­i­tals are to blame?

Oh, yes, just right there ...

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