A Thou­sand Words

Esquire (Malaysia) - - CONTENTS - WORDS BY KUAH JEN­HAN

En­ter now! Kuah Jen­han’s Run Away Now! Marathon.

If you’ve ever felt in­com­plete, or aren’t do­ing enough in life, or don’t know who you are any-more, the Run Away Now! Marathon is de­signed with you in mind.

A marathon is a se­ri­ous af­fair be­tween you and your is­sues. It is an ac­tiv­ity that re­quires years of soli­tary prepa­ra­tion and a chance to ig­nore the yucky prob­lems of the real world. Whether you’re fast ap­proach­ing your for­ties and want to con­vince your­self that you’ll live for­ever, or you’re in your twen­ties and wor­ried that no one is help­ing the starv­ing kids of Af-rica, or sim­ply have a burn­ing de­sire to in­spire while wear­ing short shorts in your six­ties, we hear you!

The Run Away Now! Marathon is brought to you by Wai­wai™, the hit dat­ing app for selfie-ob­sessed fil­ter-faced mil­len­ni­als and se­nior mil­len­ni­als. We un­der­stand that while 88 per­cent of our users find at­tempt­ing to im­press strangers help­ful in mo­men­tar­ily for­get­ting their real-world prob­lems, and an­other 79 per­cent find ex­chang­ing count­less “hi”, “how are you?” and “cool pic­tures!” to rein­vig­o­rate fleet­ing ex­cite­ment in their lives while wait­ing hours or even days for replies of “hi”, “I’m good” and “” on our app, 52 per­cent of our users re­port­edly find their hap­pi­ness to be of­ten too short-lived.

We at Wai­wai™ take cus­tomer sat­is­fac­tion se­ri­ously as re­flected in our name: Who am I, who am I. There­fore, we are proud to or­gan­ise this life-chang­ing ex­pe­ri­ence for you and, dare we say, all of hu­mankind. In­tro­duc­ing the Run Away Now! Marathon (RAN-M)!

RAN-M will be di­vided into four un-gen­dered cat­e­gories:

I’m Ac­com­plished (1km) En­try Fee: RM100 Join Jose­fina, a 27-year-old client-ser­vic­ing ex­ec­u­tive, in her first marathon. #fit­goals ahead! As the name sug­gests, this cat­e­gory helps put a shiny new notch on your prover­bial belt. De­signed for run­ners of all abil­i­ties, this race lets you tell peo­ple that you’ve done a marathon without ac­tu­ally hav­ing re­ally done one. Al­low­ing you the free­dom to train how­ever you want, this race lets you be­lieve that you have some con­trol over your life.

Binged on three burg­ers while bing­ing on Nar­cos Sea­son 3? Just change into your new ex­er­cise gear and spend the next three hours brows­ing marathon tips on fo­rums and feel bet­ter im­me­di­ately. Any­thing counts as prepa­ra­tion for your up­com­ing 1km race.

With the en­try fee, you will also re­ceive:

• 5 x run­ner tees (so you can keep wear­ing them years later as a con­ver­sa­tion starter)

• 1 x brown dog ears run­ner head­band (to beau­tify this #nofil­ter world)

• 1 x brag­ging rights

I’m Not Like You, I’m Elite (43km) En­try Fee: RM300 Train hard with Tony, 41, a cor­po­rate lawyer and fa­ther of three, as he ven­tures in search of ac­com­plish­ment! Adding one kilo­me­tre to the tra­di­tional length of a full marathon, this race is for those who seek a real chal­lenge; thus, we highly rec­om­mend months of train­ing be­fore de­cid­ing to par­tic­i­pate un­der this cat­e­gory.

As added bonus, all that train­ing will pay off even be­fore the big race it­self, as you will at­tain not only phys­i­cal fit­ness, but count­less ex­cuses to skip meals with nosey friends who want to know if you’re okay. Even if you’re go­ing through a mid-life cri­sis or just want to ap­pear bet­ter than ev­ery­one else, the train­ing rec­om­mended for this race will give you am­ple op­por­tuni-ties to re­tort: “Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m train­ing for MY marathon.”

It goes without say­ing that months of train­ing also means months of con­tent for your so­cial me­dia feed—be it a flat­lay of your run­ning gear on your bed, a mil­lion screen­shots of your pre­ferred run­ning app, or your proud-and-bet­terthan-ev­ery­one-else sweaty face.

With the en­try fee, you will also re­ceive:

• 5 x run­ner tees (so you can keep wear­ing them years later as a con­ver­sa­tion starter)

• 5 x fin­isher tees (with silk-screen print: “I fin­ished a marathon! Ask me about it.”)

• 1 x brown dog ears run­ner head­band (to beau­tify this #nofil­ter world)

• 1 x brag­ging rights

I’m Not Like You, I’m Elite and Have a Beau­ti­ful Heart (43km) En­try Fee: RM500 Love your­self and others like Matthew, 31, un­em­ployed, who wants to make the world a bet­ter place! This race is sim­i­lar in length to the I’m Not Like You, I’m Elite cat­e­gory, but it’s more than just a nor­mal marathon. This cat­e­gory al­lows you to run for a cause of your choos­ing! It will give you even more rea­son to train harder and con­vince your­self that this very per­sonal ac­tiv­ity of jog­ging on the street is not about you, but about some­thing else that you will never fol­low up on. While you're at it, build self-con­fi­dence by guilt­ing peo­ple into pledg­ing to your cause. Run for ex­tinct tur­tles! Run for cleaner air in China! Run for can­kle aware­ness! If you can name it, you can run it.

With the en­try fee, you will also re­ceive:

• 7 x run­ner tees (so you can keep wear­ing them years later as a con­ver­sa­tion starter)

• 7 x fin­isher tees (with silk-screen print: “I fin­ished a marathon! Ask me about it.”)

• 1 x brown dog ears run­ner head­band (to beau­tify this #nofil­ter world)

• 1 x cus­tom Wai­wai™ badge for your pro­file pic­ture (so ev­ery­one knows what your cause is)

• 2 x brag­ging rights

I’m A Special Snowflake and No One Will Ever Un­der­stand Me (2,343,300km) En­try Fee: RM1,000 (18 years of age and above only) Run away with Aurora, 18, a for­mer Youtu­ber, Key Opin­ion Leader and So­cial Me­dia In­flu­encer, in this once-in-a-life­time race. This cat­e­gory is strictly for the most de­ter­mined of par­tic­i­pants. The av­er­age hu­man walk­ing speed is 5km per hour. The av­er­age hu­man life ex­pectancy ac­cord­ing to United Na­tions World Pop­u­la­tion Prospects 2015 (Re­vi­sion) is 71.5 years. Welcome to the race of a life­time, lit­er­ally!

Some stars just burn brighter. When you feel bur­dened by un­wanted at­ten­tion, or are bad at con­fronta­tion, or have a paralysing fear of fail­ure and want to run away, we’ve got you cov­ered. Give up on life, but don’t give up on your­self!

Util­is­ing our very com­pli­cated al­go­rithm—fac­tor­ing in sleep time, eat time, pity time—and cal­cu­lat­ing the av­er­age run/jog/walk speed, this race is fash­ioned for you to run for­ever.

As this is an un­prece­dented cat­e­gory, we highly rec­om­mend that you pri­ori­tise your train­ing. Learn to be com­fort­able con­vinc­ing peo­ple that ev­ery­thing you do is im­por­tant and de­serv­ing of some at­ten­tion, and then work that un­wanted at­ten­tion into fuel for your train­ing regime. “Leave me alone! I’m train­ing for the marathon of my life!” we say!

With the en­try fee, you will also re­ceive:

• 50 x lim­ited edi­tion run­ner tees (nor­mal run­ner tees but with dif­fer­ent font print)

• 1 x lim­ited edi­tion fin­isher tee (can be col­lected by next-of-kin)

• 1 x lim­ited edi­tion Dal­ma­tian dog-ears run­ner head­band

• 1 x lim­ited edi­tion an­i­mated rain­bowvomit run­ner mouth­piece

• 1 x lim­ited edi­tion cus­tom Wai­wai™ badge for your pro­file pic­ture

• 1 x lim­ited edi­tion brag­ging rights (just tell peo­ple it’s lim­ited edi­tion) See you at the race and happy run­ning for your life!

En­tries for all cat­e­gories close at the next to­tal so­lar eclipse. Ev­ery en­try comes with a free three-month subscription to Wai­wai™ Val­i­da­tion Plus.

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