not ready for more

The Star Malaysia - Star2 - - R.AGE -

When a friend wants to be more than friends.

I HAVE been friends with this guy, D, for many years. Then, this year he started telling his friends that he has a crush on me. I am em­bar­rassed be­cause I don’t feel the same way about him.

He seems ob­sessed with his crush on me. He’d some­times stalk me on Face­book, and he al­ways wants to talk to me even when there is noth­ing to talk about. He knows I don’t have spe­cial feel­ings for him but he still per­sists.

One of my friends told me that D bought a neck­lace for me that says: “I Love You”, and he is go­ing to give it to me on Christ­mas Day. I re­ally don’t want to ac­cept the gift be­cause I don’t want to give him the im­pres­sion that I am ac­cept­ing his feel­ings for me.

But then I also don’t want to hurt his feel­ings. I dread the day he gives it to me or the day he tells me he loves me face to face. What should I say to him when he does?

Last week he told me through Face­book that he wanted to tell me some­thing but was too shy to say it. He kept on telling me the same thing, which an­noys me.

D is al­ways telling our friends about how he loves me, and I am so frus­trated be­cause they al­ways tease me about him. I re­ally want this to stop and I miss the days when we were just friends. — Ms Sur­prises

Fari­dah

When some­one gives us at­ten­tion that we don’t want, it can be con­fus­ing and dif­fi­cult to know how to act or what to say to them.

We are afraid of hurt­ing their feel­ings or hav­ing to do some­thing that feels un­com­fort­able. But when their at­ten­tion be­comes an­noy­ing or wor­ri­some, it is time to take ac­tion no mat­ter how un­com­fort­able it may make you feel.

You need to let him know in no un­cer­tain terms that you are not in­ter­ested in him ro­man­ti­cally. Some­times when we keep quiet, peo­ple who have a crush think that we some­how don’t mind or even like the at­ten­tion.

Make it di­rect so he is clear about your mes­sage. It is bet­ter to tell him now than to wait un­til things get more un­com­fort­able for both of you or he moves from stalk­ing you on Face­book to real life.

Shai­ful

What you are cur­rently fac­ing hap­pens to many teenagers and young adults.

Un­for­tu­nately for you, how­ever, there is noth­ing much that could be said or done about the sit­u­a­tion with­out af­fect­ing your friend­ship.

You have two clear-cut choices. Your first op­tion would be to play along with his whole fas­ci­na­tion game in or­der to not hurt his feel­ings.

How­ever, this would mean that you would have to put up a cha­rade of hav­ing sim­i­lar feel­ings to­wards him in or­der to keep you guys “hap­pily to­gether”, or at least make him be­lieve so. Nat­u­rally, this is not ideal as it doesn’t solve your prob­lem.

Your other op­tion is to be hon­est and to tell him how you feel. While it may cause him to stop ro­man­ti­cally pur­su­ing you, it will also mean that he might not want to re­main “just friends” with you.

How­ever, with this op­tion, there is a chance that your re­la­tion­ship might be able to go back close to what it was like be­fore.

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