AM an 18-year-old guy. Six months ago, I met S, who is 15. I think she is perfect. I added her on Facebook and we began chatting online. Then we started SMS-ing each other every day and sometimes, I would call her to listen to her cute, sweet voice. I started falling in love with her as we became closer although she already had a boyfriend.
One day, she broke up with her boyfriend and was unhappy. She cried all day and night. I accompanied her throughout this sad period and she told me that she rejected 17 guys in the first week after her breakup.
I was “smiling” in my heart because I thought that I would have the chance to get together with her. A few days later, I told her about my feelings for her but she rejected me the same way she rejected the other guys. She said we are just good friends and that she thinks of me as her brother.
But as time goes by, my love for her has become deeper. I think of her every day, every hour, every minute, every second. I dream of getting maried to her everyday; I am crazy in love with her.
Then, last week, she told me she doesn’t want to see me hurt. But after that, she told me she had feelings for me!
I am really confused now and I don’t know what to do. — In Love Is something bothering you? Write to XXX, a weekly column offering you the thoughts of a professional and a fellow youth on how to deal with your problems. This week, FARIDAH HAMEED, founder of The Genesis Initiative, which nurtures the life, financial, and career skills of young adults, and your peer SHAIFUL NIZAM JAAFAR reply to the letters.
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I know you have strong feelings for S, but you have to remember that she is only 15 and hasn’t even finished secondary school. She is at a time in her life when all the attention is likely to confuse her, and the stronger you come on to her, the more confused she will be.
She has just broken up with her boyfriend so if you really care for her, you shouldn’t pressure her into going out with you just yet. It is alright that you have told her how you feel but also remember that she is leaning on you for attention and support. In all the confusion, it is easy for her and you to give it more meaning than it is.
Having said that, there is no escaping getting hurt when strong feelings are involved. I don’t know anyone who has had a crush or been in love with someone who has not been hurt when the other party doesn’t feel the same way. Being hurt is part of falling in love but it is not the end of the world. It is part of growing up.
All you can do now is be her friend, but don’t rush yourself or her into anything, and don’t build castles in the air about the future. Both of you have a long way to go before even thinking about getting married.
Concentrate on finishing school and going to university and building a life for yourself first.
You say you are confused about her feelings for you, and it is highly likely that she is facing the same issue as well.
The confusion could stem from many things. There might be the possibility that you are one of the main reasons why she broke up with her boyfriend. That said, it does not entirely mean that she did that because she shares a similar feeling towards you.
It could be like she said; she wants you as a good friend or a “big brother”, so to speak, and she broke up probably because her boyfriend could not accept the presence of another significant male in her life.
On the other hand, she might share your feelings but rejected you as she still needs more time to heal after being through a bad break-up.
When she made the U-turn and said that she has feelings for you, be careful that it didn’t have two meanings. She could have said those words just to make you feel better, or it might be that during the course of time that has passed she has realised what a wonderful person you are and how lucky she is to have you by her side through thick and thin.
The best advice that you could take is to give it time and see where things go from here.