Con­fused guy

The Star Malaysia - Star2 - - R.AGE -

AM an 18-year-old guy. Six months ago, I met S, who is 15. I think she is per­fect. I added her on Face­book and we be­gan chat­ting on­line. Then we started SMS-ing each other ev­ery day and some­times, I would call her to lis­ten to her cute, sweet voice. I started fall­ing in love with her as we be­came closer al­though she al­ready had a boyfriend.

One day, she broke up with her boyfriend and was un­happy. She cried all day and night. I ac­com­pa­nied her through­out this sad pe­riod and she told me that she re­jected 17 guys in the first week af­ter her breakup.

I was “smil­ing” in my heart be­cause I thought that I would have the chance to get to­gether with her. A few days later, I told her about my feel­ings for her but she re­jected me the same way she re­jected the other guys. She said we are just good friends and that she thinks of me as her brother.

But as time goes by, my love for her has be­come deeper. I think of her ev­ery day, ev­ery hour, ev­ery minute, ev­ery sec­ond. I dream of get­ting maried to her ev­ery­day; I am crazy in love with her.

Then, last week, she told me she doesn’t want to see me hurt. But af­ter that, she told me she had feel­ings for me!

I am re­ally con­fused now and I don’t know what to do. — In Love Is some­thing both­er­ing you? Write to XXX, a weekly col­umn of­fer­ing you the thoughts of a pro­fes­sional and a fel­low youth on how to deal with your prob­lems. This week, FARI­DAH HAMEED, founder of The Ge­n­e­sis Ini­tia­tive, which nur­tures the life, fi­nan­cial, and ca­reer skills of young adults, and your peer SHAI­FUL NIZAM JAA­FAR re­ply to the letters.

Get in touch with XXX by e-mail at xxx@thes­tar.com.my or via snail mail to: XXX, c/o Youth Desk, Star Pub­li­ca­tions (M) Bhd, Me­nara Star, 15 Jalan 16/11, Sec­tion 16, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Se­lan­gor.

You can sign your letters off us­ing a pseu­do­nym but please pro­vide your real name, ad­dress and con­tact num­ber.

IFari­dah

I know you have strong feel­ings for S, but you have to re­mem­ber that she is only 15 and hasn’t even fin­ished sec­ondary school. She is at a time in her life when all the at­ten­tion is likely to con­fuse her, and the stronger you come on to her, the more con­fused she will be.

She has just bro­ken up with her boyfriend so if you re­ally care for her, you shouldn’t pres­sure her into go­ing out with you just yet. It is al­right that you have told her how you feel but also re­mem­ber that she is lean­ing on you for at­ten­tion and sup­port. In all the con­fu­sion, it is easy for her and you to give it more mean­ing than it is.

Shai­ful

Hav­ing said that, there is no es­cap­ing get­ting hurt when strong feel­ings are in­volved. I don’t know any­one who has had a crush or been in love with some­one who has not been hurt when the other party doesn’t feel the same way. Be­ing hurt is part of fall­ing in love but it is not the end of the world. It is part of grow­ing up.

All you can do now is be her friend, but don’t rush your­self or her into any­thing, and don’t build cas­tles in the air about the fu­ture. Both of you have a long way to go be­fore even think­ing about get­ting mar­ried.

Con­cen­trate on fin­ish­ing school and go­ing to uni­ver­sity and build­ing a life for your­self first.

You say you are con­fused about her feel­ings for you, and it is highly likely that she is fac­ing the same is­sue as well.

The con­fu­sion could stem from many things. There might be the pos­si­bil­ity that you are one of the main rea­sons why she broke up with her boyfriend. That said, it does not en­tirely mean that she did that be­cause she shares a sim­i­lar feel­ing to­wards you.

It could be like she said; she wants you as a good friend or a “big brother”, so to speak, and she broke up prob­a­bly be­cause her boyfriend could not ac­cept the pres­ence of an­other sig­nif­i­cant male in her life.

On the other hand, she might share your feel­ings but re­jected you as she still needs more time to heal af­ter be­ing through a bad break-up.

When she made the U-turn and said that she has feel­ings for you, be care­ful that it didn’t have two mean­ings. She could have said those words just to make you feel bet­ter, or it might be that dur­ing the course of time that has passed she has re­alised what a won­der­ful per­son you are and how lucky she is to have you by her side through thick and thin.

The best ad­vice that you could take is to give it time and see where things go from here.

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