Is it re­ally over?

The Star Malaysia - Star2 - - LIVING -

I DON’T­ know how to put this in sim­ple words. Let’s just start with how I got to­gether with this guy.

I was hav­ing prob­lems with my pre­vi­ous boyfriend, and this guy, A, was al­ways there for me. He is two years younger and we saw each other ev­ery day at univer­sity. We also texted ev­ery day, se­cretly.

We didn’t plan for this to hap­pen but since it didn’t seem un­usual, I talked to him ev­ery­day. I did not plan to fall in love with him but even­tu­ally, I did.

Women have a soft spot for guys who catch them when they fall. And A hap­pened to be there for me. We talked about his pre­vi­ous re­la­tion­ship, too, and he felt very wretched when his part­ner left him.

As we talked and be­came closer, we de­vel­oped feel­ings for each other. At least, my feel­ings were real. A, how­ever, has a fe­male best friend, B, and I knew she had feel­ings for him, but he didn’t feel the same way for her.

When A told me that he had feel­ings for me, we con­tin­ued our re­la­tion­ship. Af­ter some time, I man­aged to tell B about our re­la­tion­ship and B de­cided to con­fess her feel­ings to her best friend. When she did, A felt re­ally, re­ally bad, as he thought they were only friends and didn’t know that B would de­velop such feel­ings for him.

He felt guilty over our re­la­tion­ship as B is a very good friend, and had seen him through thick and thin. But the feel­ings weren’t mu­tual.

Along the way, A broke up with me, stat­ing that “it was to be fair to all of us”.

I never un­der­stood what he meant and never both­ered to find out. I felt that if he wanted it this way, so be it. I love him and was sore that the re­la­tion­ship ended, but I didn’t want to fight for some­thing/some­one who’s not re­ally all in.

Here, I must make it clear that it was not a re­bound re­la­tion­ship (at least not on my part) but I’m not sure about him. He said it wasn’t but a few of his friends told me that he hasn’t got­ten over his pre­vi­ous re­la­tion­ship.

We never talked af­ter the break-up. Even though we used to be close friends. It’s been quite a few months and I’m still very much con­fused over what hap­pened. Not re­bound As painful as it sounds, you have to ac­cept that your re­la­tion­ship is over. There should be no con­fu­sion there.

You may be over­think­ing the sit­u­a­tion by call­ing it a re­bound for A, though. It sounds more like A just was not ready to be in another re­la­tion­ship.

That may have been due to his not get­ting over his ex-girl­friend. But, it also sounds like he may have been over­whelmed. Look at it from his point of view: he was try­ing to pick him­self up af­ter a break-up and then he got at­ten­tion from not one, but two women. And, both th­ese women were im­por­tant in his life. He ob­vi­ously counted on you for sup­port and B was his best friend.

I’m not try­ing to de­fend his ac­tions. And, his ex­pla­na­tions of hav­ing to be “fair” does sound du­bi­ous. It’s just him try­ing to un­der­stand the con­fu­sion around him and try­ing to ex­ert some con­trol over his life which seemed to have be­come a roller-coaster.

It does sound like you re­ally liked him. Whether or not you bonded over the bad sit­u­a­tions that hap­pened in your life, it seems that you trusted and counted on him quite a bit. So, it must have been painful to have your re­la­tion­ship end like that. Plus, you haven’t had the op­por­tu­nity to talk to him and process what hap­pened so you don’t even get clo­sure.

Per­haps, when you feel up to it, you will be able to re­sume con­tact with him and have a healthy con­ver­sa­tion about what hap­pened. Get­ting a clearer pic­ture of what he was think­ing and the rea­sons for your break-up will help to ease the con­fu­sion. It may even help restart your friend­ship with A. But, all in good time.

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