sCor­ing

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Car­ing

For items 1, 2, 7, 8 and 10 award your­self +1 for yes and - 1 for no. For items 3, 4, 5, 6 and 9 award your­self +1 for no and -1 for yes. add up the +1s and -1s sep­a­rately and then sub­tract the mi­nus to­tal from the plus to­tal to give your over­all score.

+10 to +6

Pro­vided your part­ner gives you a sense of se­cu­rity too, you have all the in­gre­di­ents for a suc­cess­ful long-term sup­port­ive re­la­tion­ship. Your con­fi­dence will be in­creased if your part­ner is as will­ing to ac­cept sup­port from you as you are to be cared for by him or her. There is now a great deal of ev­i­dence that the qual­ity of your pri­mary re­la­tion­ship will not only en­hance your self­es­teem but give you the con­fi­dence to face life’s knocks. Cher­ish this per­son and don’t take him or her for granted - there aren’t too many like this about!

+4 to 0

There are prob­a­bly enough car­ing el­e­ments in this re­la­tion­ship to make it worth­while work­ing at. But if you have been feel­ing an­gry or dis­sat­is­fied there are prob­a­bly good rea­sons for it. You’re not get­ting the de­gree of loy­alty and sup­port that you de­serve. it is im­por­tant to tell your part­ner what you need and to see how he or she re­sponds. it will re­quire some heart-to-hearts, and the will­ing­ness to look at your own be­hav­iour too, if it is all to come right. in the mean­time cul­ti­vate sup­port­ive re­la­tion­ships with fam­ily or friends to give you enough con­fi­dence and in­de­pen­dence to per­se­vere. There is noth­ing like bar­gain­ing from a po­si­tion of strength.

-2 to -10

ei­ther you are an ex­tremely self-suf­fi­cient woman who needs lit­tle bol­ster­ing from oth­ers to keep her happy, or you will need to draw on all your per­sonal re­sources to keep a sense of your­self in this re­la­tion­ship. Con­sis­tent lack of car­ing has been shown to have dis­as­trous ef­fects on most peo­ple’s self-es­teem, and can some­times lead to com­plete de­mor­al­i­sa­tion. This is par­tic­u­larly likely to hap­pen when any kind of cri­sis has to be faced. When you’re feel­ing down you need to keep in mind that, what­ever your part­ner says, you are a per­son of worth who is en­ti­tled to be cared about. Try to get sup­port from fam­ily and friends so that you can build up the con­fi­dence to ne­go­ti­ate a more car­ing and sup­port­ive re­la­tion­ship with this per­son.

Se­Cu­riTY

For items 1, 2, 3, 9 and 10, score +1 for yes and -1 for no. For items 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8, score +1 for no and –1 for yes. add up the +1 s and -1 s sep­a­rately and sub­tract the mi­nus to­tal from the plus to­tal to give your over­all score.

+10 to +6

in an in­se­cure world, this is a rea­son­ably re­li­able re­la­tion­ship. Hav­ing a se­cure base of this type per­mits peo­ple to ex­plore the world and de­velop their own po­ten­tial with greater con­fi­dence. This is not just true of young chil­dren but ap­plies to adults too, par­tic­u­larly when the go­ing gets tough. But it is un­wise to be too com­pla­cent – any score that is less than ten may still mean that there are ar­eas of in­se­cu­rity to at­tend to.

+4 to 0

You need to pro­ceed with cau­tion with this per­son. Ma­jor prob­lems need to be sorted out be­fore you can achieve a se­cure base. even mod­er­ate amounts of this kind of be­hav­iour can leave you per­ma­nently anx­ious or de­pressed, and in­ter­fere with the en­joy­ment you should be ex­pe­ri­enc­ing. guard your in­de­pen­dence jeal­ously, be­cause it could be dis­as­trous to hope for too much from this re­la­tion­ship. it’s pos­si­ble that your part­ner too is in­se­cure and needs a lot of re­as­sur­ance from you, but this may not be enough to change him or her.

-2 to -10

not only does this re­la­tion­ship of­fer you prac­ti­cally no se­cu­rity, it is prob­a­bly rob­bing you of any of feel­ings of se­cu­rity you pos­sessed to start with. You will need to be not only strong but ex­pe­ri­enced to sur­vive a re­la­tion­ship like this with­out it af­fect­ing you badly. Peo­ple like this are of­ten con­fus­ing be­cause they have a very needy side and try to pull you back as soon as they think they are los­ing you. all the ev­i­dence sug­gests you should ig­nore any prom­ises and take a hard look at your part­ner’s track record. This is the most re­li­able guide to the fu­ture. How did you do?

HigH sCores?

You’re very lucky, but don’t be com­pla­cent: make sure you work at your re­la­tion­ships to keep them vi­brant and valu­able. ex­tremely low scores show that you must try to build your re­la­tion­ship step by step, start­ing per­haps with your feel­ings about your­self and your abil­ity to flour­ish alone. Your fam­ily and friends can­not al­ways be there when you want them, so it’s im­por­tant to as­sess your per­sonal re­sources, too. one study on cou­ple con­flict found that the prob­lems peo­ple felt led to their break-up man­i­fested them­selves within the first five years. So it’s very im­por­tant to es­tab­lish some agree­ment with your part­ner on your re­la­tion­ship rules if you want stay to­gether hap­pily. – © uni­ver­sal Pub­lish­ing Ser­vice

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