Will my boyfriend cheat again?

The Star Malaysia - Star2 - - Opinion -

I AM in a re­la­tion­ship with a guy who is three years younger. We have been to­gether for nearly five years now.

A few months ago I found out that he cheated on me.

At that time our re­la­tion­ship was very toxic as we used to fight a lot.

He ad­mit­ted his mis­take and pleaded for another chance. In­tially I re­fused to ac­cept him back but he never gave up on me. As I still loved him, I de­cided to give him another chance.

Things have changed a lot be­tween us and de­spite the small ar­gu­ments, our re­la­tion­ship is filled with love.

He has given me ac­cess to his Face­book and his phone when pre­vi­ously he was pri­vate about it. How­ever, at times the thought of what he did to me comes back and I won­der if I made the right de­ci­sion. I’m afraid he will do it again.

I was there for him de­spite our fights and yet he cheated on me.

Also, he has cheated on his pre­vi­ous girl­friends. I ques­tioned him about it and asked what kind of guar­an­tee he could give me.

To which he replied that when his ex-girl­friends walked away in the past, he never felt this much pain, and he has never put in this much ef­fort or begged any­one in his life, as he had with me.

What if he does it again af­ter a few years? Would it be a wise de­ci­sion for me to con­tinue with this re­la­tion­ship or even to marry him?

Con­fused girl THE fact that you are ask­ing this ques­tion now is al­ready a sign as to what you should do.

You do not trust him. Do you think you ever will?

Cheat­ing in a re­la­tion­ship is a choice a per­son makes. The fact that they do not cheat is not a sign of the strength of their love. It is a choice they are mak­ing based on how much they re­spect their part­ner, and value the re­la­tion­ship.

You love him. And, you al­ways will. Even when you are an­gry with him, you will still love him. How­ever, love and com­mit­ment are two very dif­fer­ent things. Is he com­mit­ted to this re­la­tion­ship? Is he willing to ac­cept the re­spon­si­bil­ity of monogamy that comes with a mar­riage?

Fight­ing is nor­mal in a re­la­tion­ship. It is ac­tu­ally very nor­mal. Just be­cause there is fight­ing it does not mean the re­la­tion­ship is toxic. A toxic re­la­tion­ship is some­thing quite dif­fer­ent. You hav­ing ac­cess to his phone and Face­book ac­count, and that you feel like you need to check these – this is po­ten­tially toxic. Do you want to spend the rest of your life to­gether check­ing on him?

So, the ques­tions comes back to this – do you think you will ever trust him? Here is a likely sce­nario of what will hap­pen if your re­la­tion­ship pro­ceeds. You will al­ways be sus­pi­cious about his where­abouts. You will want to know where he is and who he is with. Un­sat­is­fied with his an­swers, you may re­quest for a pho­to­graph of the peo­ple whom he is with. He will have to re­port to you all his move­ments. You will be the one who will be la­belled “con­trol­ling”. The thoughts will be­come ob­ses­sion and it will con­sume you. And, your re­la­tion­ship.

If you are go­ing to con­tinue with this re­la­tion­ship you need to be one hun­dred per­cent sure you trust him to not cheat on you again. You will not feel the need to check on him. You won’t have to check his phone or his Face­book. Ask your­self if you are pre­pared to do this. Things are nice now. It is the hon­ey­moon phase where he is try­ing his best to patch things up and make you happy. This will change. It is not an

in­di­ca­tion of you or him or the re­la­tion­ship. But, that is just how re­la­tion­ships work. When the ten­sion starts to rise, when the ar­gu­ments and dis­agree­ments be­gin, do you think you will still feel about him the way you do now?

He has cheated be­fore be­cause he said that those re­la­tion­ships did not mean much to him. It is rather chill­ing that he thinks it ac­cept­able to hurt other peo­ple and then to place the blame on them for it.

Why did he cheat on you? If you did mean as much as he says you do, why did he cheat in the first place? Has he ever pro­vided you with an an­swer to this? You should know this be­cause this will be the bet­ter sign of whether he will do it again.

You need to know whether or not he is tak­ing re­spon­si­bil­ity for his ac­tions. It is not what oth­ers do or don’t do. It shouldn’t mat­ter if some­one else tried to se­duce him. They can try. The de­ci­sion about what he does ul­ti­mately falls on him. If he says it is be­cause he was drunk, then he has to take re­spon­si­bil­ity for that and stop drink­ing.

Ba­si­cally, the onus is on him to change his ways. It is not about how much he says he loves you or what you mean to him. It is whether or not he will take re­spon­si­bil­ity. That should tell you whether or not you should pro­ceed with the re­la­tion­ship.

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