BITTER HOROSCOPES LIBRA
(SEPTEMBER 23RD – OCTOBER 22ND)
The eclipse has nothing to do with you, narcissist. Why not try talking to people instead of assuming you know what they want or think? (You’re welcome, friends of Libra.)
(OCTOBER 23RD- NOVEMBER 21ST)
You need to express yourself without censorship. Not like your normal self, who doesn’t look at everything in black-and-white, and never tells everyone what they should be doing. (Ahem.)
(NOVEMBER 22ND-DEC 21ST)
Saturday you might feel like your family is suffocating you. Maybe it was that pillow over your face that you woke up to on Tuesday. What was that all about? Nice try, mom.
(DECEMBER 22ND-JANUARY 19TH)
You need new experiences and woe to the person who stands in your way! Blame the eclipse! Slapped your boss in the face? Eclipse did it.
JANUARY 20THFEBRUARY 18TH
So you and your S.O. have a joint account. That doesn’t give you permission to break the bank. We know he is a deadbeat. Think of it as an experiment in not murdering someone. Besides, we hear he’s doing much better at not being such a loser.
(FEBRUARY 19TH-MARCH 20TH)
You’d bend over backward for the people you care about, but sometimes, Pisces, it’s a better idea to stand up straight and put your needs first. (Eat something, Jenny.)
(MARCH 21ST-APRIL 19TH)
The moon is in opposition to boundless Jupiter. What does this all mean? Nothing! Our predictions are nothing more than mindless drivel. Planets? In cahoots? Just for you?
(APRIL 20TH-MAY 20TH)
The moon is making you more aware of your feelings towards people. Like Steven, for example. You KNOW he is the one stealing your lunch out of the office fridge, right?
(MAY 21TH-JUNE 21TH)
You are closer to your goals than you think. This is an opportunity to see what is holding you back. Chances are, it is all in your head, you fickle weirdo.
(JUNE 22ND- JULY 22ND)
Something you set in motion in the past might manifest soon. This is all good! (It is also proof that reading horoscopes for advice is silly.)
(JULY 22RD – AUGUST 22ND)
Money could get a little funny, when the moon in Pisces opposes boundless Jupiter. Also, those mushrooms are making everything a little funny, so shine on, crazy diamond!
(AUGUST 23RD – SEPTEMBER 22ND)
The moon in your house of committed partnership is in opposition with open-minded Jupiter. A shift is possible, but it takes two to tango! So watch OUT! Virgo on the prowl!