Will’s par­al­lel park­ing seems pic­ture per­fect

Bay News - - NEWS - Will John­ston

Oh have I been WAIT­ING for this day!

It’s been com­ing for a while and we now live in a so­cial cli­mate of hon­esty, so herewe go . . .

This is the day I can just come out and tell you who I re­ally am. . .

I, ladies and gen­tle­men, am . . . Abril­liant par­al­lel parker! There, I said it. It’s out there. OMGthe WEIGHT off my per­fectly parked shoul­ders is im­mense. I feel like a new man. Iwant to hug a stranger and tell them how beau­ti­ful they are im­me­di­ately.

Iwant doves and in­spi­ra­tional mu­sic and some form of slow-mo that in­volves and an­gle that makes me look skinny.

Se­ri­ously though, I’ve tried­my­w­hole life to get par­al­lel park­ing right, just be­cause there is a fire in­sideme to do so that burns deep.

I get it right­most days. I’m not afraid to toot my own horn, a horn that is par­al­lel to the kerb in the car I just parked.

Tau­ranga is SO bad at it as a city. I’ve lived all overNZ and you know how much of a fan of this slice of par­adise I am, but Tau­ranga just plainly sucks at get­ting a car close to a kerb in a par­al­lel man­ner.

Par­al­lel park­ing pro­fi­ciently, for me, is an OCD thing, it’s a sat­is­fac­tion/in­stant grat­i­fi­ca­tion thing, it’s a safety thing and it’s just a so­cially awk­ward thing not to have to over­come.

And God knows I’ve got enough of them . . . Last week I cor­rected an In­dian lady on her pro­nun­ci­a­tion of a tra­di­tional In­dian curry, that she had just made. Like, who even am I? What an id­iot!

So when I saw a car parked out­side The Hits stu­dios this week, nat­u­rally I felt equal parts awe­some about my abil­ity and an­noyed about the fact that they had just clearly given up on life! Se­ri­ously, they hadn’t even tried. They had lit­er­ally an­gle parked into a par­al­lel park.

As­mall part ofme­wor­ried that they had a stroke and this is why it was like that. And they’re in the cy­cle lane. And they’re block­ing a fire hy­drant! Imean, what if the fire ser­vice needed to come and douse my car be­cause it’s park­ing is on FIRE?

Will John­ston is host of The Hits 95FM Day Show. Live and lo­cal from 9am-3pm, ev­ery week­day in the Bay of Plenty.

Will John­ston . . . per­fect parker.

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