A bach­e­lor for the real world

Clutha Leader - - OUT & ABOUT - RACHAEL KELLY

As I watched yet an­other re­al­ity tele­vi­sion show full of shiny Auck­lan­ders this week (and a to­ken In­ver­cargillite) I couldn’t help think­ing how The Bach­e­lor would play out in the real world.

There’d be no gowns drip­ping in se­quins, no spray tans and no teeth bleach­ing if the show was shot in my neck of the woods.

So meet our bach­e­lor: Steve, 37-year-old di­vorced me­chanic and fa­ther of two - al­though he only sees the kids to share a Happy Meal with them on a Sun­day since his mis­sus took off with his best mate.

Steve has been get­ting a bit of ac­tion with Sh­eryl who works be­hind the bar at the lo­cal pub, but he’s look­ing for some­thing else.

And Sh­eryl’s hus­band will find out what’s been go­ing on even­tu­ally any­way, be­cause half the town is al­ready talk­ing about it.

Steve is no show pony, but he’s tried to up his game to im­press the ladies since the mis­sus left. He’s bought some new clothes, had his hair cut and has started drink­ing craft beer, ex­cept when he’s at the rugby club with the boys.

When he’s not at work, he’s tin­ker­ing with his project car in the garage, which could pos­si­bly be the rea­son for his di­vorce, but at least she didn’t get her hands on his pride and joy in court.

And Steve will have a bevy of de­light­ful ladies to choose from - al­though there won’t be any glam­orous yoga teach­ers, beauty ther­a­pists or snow­board in­struc­tors in the mix. They’ll be solo mums, hair­dressers, clean­ers and check­out chicks - women who work hard and make an hon­est liv­ing, just like Steve.

Some of them are thrilled to be ac­cepted for the show be­cause it’ll be the first time they’ve had their hair and makeup done in years.

There will be no one-size-fit­sall rack of size 10 gowns to select from.

We’d get The Ware­house and Farm­ers on board as spon­sors to dress the girls, since that’s where they shop in the first place.

The Bach­e­lorette Man­sion would still have stun­ning scenery not un­like the set­ting for our cur­rent TV show, but it’ll be more shep­herds’ quar­ters on a farm than an ex­clu­sive lodge.

They’ll drink cider or wine in­stead of bub­bles, and take it in turns to bring the chips and dip or a cheese plat­ter while they’re hang­ing out with Steve.

Chal­lenge dates would in­clude who could do the best time in his project car at the quar­ter-mile drags, sheep-rid­ing at the lo­cal rodeo grounds and karaoke singing at the lo­cal pub.

And since Dominic Bow­den seems to be best mates with the cur­rent batch­e­lor, why not have Steve’s best mate in there as the host?

Ev­ery­one needs a wing­man when they’re play­ing the dat­ing game, af­ter all.

Sound like a win­ner?

Pos­si­bly a bit more en­ter­tain­ing than the overly-scripted episodes we’re see­ing on tele­vi­sion at the moment.

I might have to ap­ply for some New Zealand On Air fund­ing.

CHRIS MCKEEN

A bach­e­lor from the real world would bear lit­tle re­sem­blance to Zac Franich from the cur­rent ‘re­al­ity’ show.

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