THE NAME GAME
Reveals how agreeing upon the perfect moniker proved to be a nine-month ordeal – both times
Columnist Casey Mcpike on the difficulties of choosing a moniker
Before I had my own babies, I couldn’t understand why people would say, “Still deciding on a name” in their birth announcement. What? You’ve had nine months to prepare for this moment! How hard is it to choose a name? Er, actually harder than it looks, I discovered when pregnant for the first time. Jeremy (my husband) and I had decided not to find out what we were having, so we needed options both ways. We set perimeters on name-choosing rules, such as checking there were no notorious criminals with that moniker, no names of ex-partners or meanies from school, and making sure it wouldn’t sound silly with our last name (when we got married, I was keen on having one family surname, but filled out the forms somewhat reluctantly because my married name makes me sound like a drunk Irishman). We both loved the same boy’s name. Sorted. A girl’s middle name would be Clare, after my mother. BAM, we were nailing this naming thing and I was only about eleven minutes pregnant. But then we needed a girl first-name option. My favourite name forever had been Nina, but that’s what all the grandkids call my mother in law, so it was struck off for being too confusing. Both of us loved the name Frankie, but we’d already used that name up (without much foresight) on our cat. Jeremy didn’t like my suggestions, and I didn’t like his. And so began months of conversations that started with me enthusiastically reading from a long list I’d compiled that day, then ended with me huffily saying, “Well, YOU think of a better option then. No, not that one. Not that one either.” We opened the floor to family and friends. Ideas flew thick and fast, but none of them were quite right. I started watching the credits of movies and TV programmes, in the hope that I’d spot The Perfect Name scrolling up our screen. Nope. One evening after talking on the phone to my best friend Amy (while making a vat of porridge for my post-dinner snack), I waddled back to the couch and Jeremy said, “Amy is a really nice name. Have you ever met an Amy you didn’t like?” I immediately looked up the meaning and hormonally shouted, “it means ‘beloved’ or ‘loved friend’! It’s going on the shortlist!” Not long after, our beautiful daughter was placed on my chest, and we immediately agreed she was an Amy. Best-friend Amy was thrilled, promptly got a puppy and named it Jeremy. Second time around, I understood why one of my friends got an official government department letter stating they had to register a name for their third baby or one would be allocated to him. We still had our boy name up our sleeve, but not an agreed-upon girl name. I’d pulled out my old shortlist, but all options were rejected. We started pondering if having a cat and a baby with the same name would really be such a bad thing. To further complicate things for ourselves, we realised that all our names (including the cat’s) ended in an “ee” sound. Would child #2 feel left out if theirs didn’t, too? Something to ponder as I ate my nightly tub of ice cream. A few nights before baby #2 was due to make a nameless appearance, as my latest suggestion had just been rejected for sounding like a stripper’s name, I sat down to read a new book to Amy. I didn’t have a whole lot of energy (or ankles, for that matter), but I was totally into the main character in the story – a little cutie called Tilly. “Hey, ‘Tilly’ is a really nice name,” said Jeremy as he walked past on his way to find me another bag of chips. “If the baby is a girl we should call her Tilly.” And so we did. Several days later, I was explaining to the hospital midwife prodding my breasts that Tilly’s middle name was Judge, after my Granny (that was her last name), which I hoped would balance out the cuteness of a name like Tilly. “Oh love”, said the midwife, “I don’t think you’re allowed to call her Judge – there are rules about giving names that indicate a ranking – like King, General and Duke”. “Nooo!” I shrieked, “I’ve already announced it on Facebook!” Fortunately, the pleading letter I sent to the department of Births, Deaths and Marriages outlining the family history of the name was accepted. I also threw in that I’d probably only use her middle name when she was naughty and I needed to use her full name for effect… I’m pretty sure if they knew how often I now shout “Tilly Judge Mcpike!” they wouldn’t have let it through.