LUDICROUS EVENT
AFTER the hideous 2013 America’s Cup, I resolved never to waste my extremely valuable time watching a single minute of this overblown event. Billions of dollars, some of it OURS, dodgy humans, ludicrous legal mudwrestling and the fact we inexplicably lost 26 races in a row to the execrable Jimmy Spithill. Or was it 47?
Dodgy humans? No names. But not Sir Russell Coutts. He went to Otago Boys’ High School. The man is immune. OK, one name. Dennis Conner. His 1980s profane press conference abuse of the Zealanders and his walkout at the (orchestrated)
Paul Homes interview, which created the Paul Holmes brand in one miraculous moment, was despicably dodgy. But great, great telly.
I was chatting to a close personal friend — fiercely respecting the dignity of anonymity, I shall give him the faceless name of Marshall Seifert — before the final began, and he asked me if I was looking forward to the Cup.
‘‘What cup?’’ I asked politely. ‘‘The America’s Cup!’’ he shouted. ‘‘It’s the best America’s Cup ever!’’
I was astounded that a man who watches television sport 18 hours a day and who reveres basketball could say this. But I let him blather on. He claimed to have done some sailing in his time and he understood precisely what was going on in Bermuda.
‘‘It’s all about hydraulics,’’ he said.
‘‘What are hydraulics?’’ I asked, again politely.
‘‘I have absolutely no idea,’’ said Marshall.
‘‘What about follaboxia and tetraplac?’’ I asked, this time most politely of all.
‘‘What are you talking about?’’ said Marshall.
‘‘I have absolutely no idea,’’ I replied. ‘‘I was just trying to get a word in edgeways.’’ Not easy when one is talking sport with Marshall Seifert.
Marshall snorted, which of course he can do as a man who doesn’t so much have senior moments as senior fortnights.
But ignorance is such a heartening thing. You get headaches with knowledge. I wouldn’t know a fib from a joil, and a layline to me is what Russell Brand sees when he enters a crowded room. What is the difference between a skipper and a helmsman? Why isn’t Peter Burling just called Top Dog? I could look all this proprietary psychobabble up, but I didn’t get to where I am today by looking things up.
I must admit I loved Burling from the first day. He has a long face, like our two greatest Kiwis, Sir Edmund Hillary and Brodie Retallick.
‘‘Burling is a genius,’’ said Marshall. ‘‘He’s obsessional. That’s why he let Oracle win the leadup regatta. Forget practising starts against Japan, Burling just wants to RACE.’’
A very interesting theory, but Marshall has done some sailing. I nodded silently.
I note we have cyclists on our boat this time. Have they replaced the grinders? I loved the grinders. Real men. Why doesn’t rugby have grinders? Oh, they do. Owen Franks is a grinder. But this makes sense, because we are good at cycling. If international yachting wasn’t so murderously sexist we’d have netballers in there, as well.
Marshall loathes Jimmy Spithill. But he did like the Australian skipman/helmsper on the Swedish boat.
‘‘Probably the first pleasantfaced Australian sportsman I have ever seen,’’ said Marshall, who was born in Melbourne.
It is intriguing there is hardly anyone here from 2013’s historic 132 losses in a row. Just Glenn Ashby. Even more intriguing, America doesn’t give a jot for this socalled legendary sporting contest which carries its country’s name. The American media virtually ignored 2013’s epic contest when America won by defeating Team New Zealand nearly 200 times in a row, a comeback you would think was one of the greatest in the history of sport. Was the fix in? Where is Nicky Hagar’s book?
Marshall told me before the first race that Team New Zealand would win. Bold. He’s certainly right about it being the best America’s Cup ever. The boats are fast, exciting and dangerous. There is Good versus Evil and the races are short, brilliantly commentated and filmed. With Dunedin technology.
It could be all over now. I don’t really care who wins — there were New Zealanders on most of the boats — but in truth, I ever so slightly do.
❛ I must admit I loved Burling from the first day. He has a long face, like our two greatest Kiwis, Sir Edmund Hillary and Brodie
Retallick❜
Roy Colbert is a Dunedin writer.