Cracking the case of Dunedin’s Invasion of Summer 2019
‘‘WELCOME to ‘‘Mysteries’’. In this episode we go back to the summer of 2019 in Dunedin.
For a start it had been just another summer in the southern city. Some swelteringly hot weather with scantilyclad bathers frolicking at St Clair Beach. Here are some pictures of them. They have nothing to do with our story but seminude shots are an important part of any serious television programme. The odd day of sleet, hail and rain whenever an important cricket game was scheduled and busy shoppers returning Christmas presents to exchange for something they really wanted.
Just another summer, you might say. But 2019 was different. It was the Year of the Invasion! Assistant Commissioner Norris Pincher was in the thick of it and remembers it well.
‘‘Of course, I was only a freshfaced constable then and had the position of Officer in Charge of Bicycles (Damaged, Stolen or Missing). BDSM for short. Bit silly really as I was always getting mixed up with the Bondage Discipline SadoMasochism blokes in the office next to me. The invasion itself was a bit messy, really. The traffic people said they only dealt with proper vehicles, the city council had nothing in their bylaws and the regional council pest people were busy enough with wallabies and doortodoor Biblebashers. But bikes were my specialty in those days and that seemed near enough. So, the whole thing ended up on my plate.
‘‘At first, we thought these abandoned scooters were just Christmas toys kids were sick of. But soon there were dozens of them. It seemed we were in the middle of some kind of craze, like the hula hoop or wifeswapping which had both been pretty popular at one time. Of course, the odd scooter would be brought in to me. Fished out of the Leith or run over by a train but noone seemed to be interested in claiming them. It all seemed pretty harmless really. People enjoyed hopping on the scooters and tearing along at great speed to nowhere in particular and then dumping the machine outside the pub or under the Robbie Burns statue.
‘‘In February the students started arriving back and things got a bit out of hand. Pedestrians were getting up petitions. Baldwin St was packed with scooterists taking selfies but no law was being broken so our hands were tied.
‘‘It all got me thinking. Something we hadn’t been taught at police college and it may well have marked the beginning of my rise through the ranks. I was a senior sergeant in the Terrorist Squad at the age of 24. Bit tame compared to stolen bicycles but promotion is promotion, isn’t it?’’
‘‘Can I bring you back to the scooters of 2019? What were your thoughts then?’’
‘‘Well, my girlfriend of the time gave me an idea. She showed me something I’d never seen before. She called it an ‘‘app’’ and if you pressed the right buttons on her phone you could see a map showing you the location of every scooter in Dunedin. Amazing!
‘‘Obviously, the whole thing was being orchestrated by some kind of mastermind. Some intelligence far above the mere human brain was obviously at work. Then I had my own brainwave. Just at that time there were reports of strange lights in the sky. It was put about that they were caused by a Russian satellite but I agreed with Donald Trump’s claim that this was just false news. Like climate change being a cause of forest fires. Trump put the fires down to poor management. The inspiration which came to me outtrumped Trump.
‘‘These scooters were alien invaders! As you know, alien space invaders don’t have to be funny little men with two heads and green skin. They are just as likely to be robotic beings like scooters with green things on them. And why were they invading the planet? Why were scooters being abandoned with no riders to be found anywhere? Easy. The aliens were abducting humans and taking them back to their own planet where unspeakable things were done to them. I ran the idea past Inspector Grimby who was later the police commissioner. He was speechless. After a moment, though, he muttered that I was brilliant and would go far.
‘‘That’s when he transferred me to Kaikohe and took my idea to the Security Intelligence Service and we all know what happened then.’’
‘‘Nothing?’’
‘‘Exactly. But history has vindicated me. The number of missing persons reported in 2019 was 35.6% higher than the previous year. Poor devils. At least it proved me right and it wasn’t long before we had the Space Aliens Exclusion Act. Ah, happy days. The older cops still call me Scooter Pincher so the Invasion of 2019 is something I’ve never forgotten.’’