Sometimes a day is needed to reset and allow time and space to begin to be restored.
The most important thing on my list was looking after six-monthold Hazel Mae for a couple of hours while her mum was at the dentist. I was committed to that appointment. The rest though – the emails and the various chores, were going to have to wait. Today needed to be a day of rest. I didn’t have time to take a day out to be sad or mad or whatever I was – yet, on another level, I realised I didn’t have time not to. Gone was putting make-up on. Gone was restrictive clothing like a bra. I needed to simply breathe. I decided to budget time to be sad and time to sort through my tangle of emotions.
I really want to live wholeheartedly. For me this looks like being brave emotionally – whether the emotions are nice or not so nice. Being brave also means going into a difficult discussion prepared to ‘take a hit’ – aware that I may be misunderstood or that I may hear things that will hurt or invite me to feel angry or ashamed – and to know this won’t be the whole story – that I don’t have to jump to defence or justification. The words we say to each other are so often spoken out of our own pain or difficult past experiences – out of our own (wounded) humanity.
Tears flowed throughout the morning – I felt them rise and then fall out. My lovely husband sat with me before leaving for work and we chatted. It was good, and peace flowed. It was wonderful that he noticed and took time to be beside me in my low ebb, wonderful that he could handle not being able to ‘solve’ this