Sex ad­vice

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - PERSPECTIVES -

I have been with my part­ner for sev­eral years but I still miss the ter­rific cli­maxes I got with my first hus­band in cer­tain po­si­tions. My cur­rent part­ner can’t last long enough to give me that cli­max.

This didn’t bother me so much when we first got to­gether be­cause his other qual­i­ties, im­por­tant when bring­ing up kids, out­weighed the sex­ual in­ad­e­quacy and he does try! Also there has been an el­e­ment of me not be­ing hon­est with my­self about how im­por­tant sex is to me. But now it is both­er­ing me more as I won­der, what is the point in be­ing in a cou­ple if the sex is not sat­is­fy­ing be­cause of lack­lus­tre or­gasms? I have tried a vi­bra­tor but it can’t repli­cate the real thing.

What can I do to re­solve this? I also would like to try kinky things but he is not up for it. Great: you are acknowledging to your­self now that sex is im­por­tant to you, your erotic urges are present and you’re ready to rock! I en­cour­age you to look for­ward rather than back. Mak­ing per­for­mance com­par­isons is de­struc­tive to the kind of deep bond and open­ness to play­ing you’re need­ing to achieve now with this man.

There are ways to learn to hold an erec­tion for longer, in­clud­ing ex­er­cis­ing pelvic floor mus­cles then dur­ing sex, re­lax­ing but­tock mus­cles and us­ing breath well. Any in­ter­course po­si­tion that re­sults in deep pen­e­tra­tion can be chal­leng­ing for a man to hold his erec­tion for long. For max­imis­ing stim­u­la­tion while help­ing him last longer, try spoon­ing or sex face-to­face while ly­ing on your sides.

It’s time to be hav­ing a fully open, lov­ing dis­cus­sion with your part­ner about the sex­ual en­ergy you have and your in­ter­est in broad­en­ing your reper­toire.

Be pre­pared to de­scribe what ap­peals and is im­por­tant to you and to lis­ten well to your part­ner’s sex­ual wishes and con­cerns about kink.

Then to­gether you can follow your ex­per­i­men­tal urges by find­ing ac­tiv­i­ties and po­si­tions that are ac­cept­able and plea­sur­able to you both. Also at­tend to the many other rea­sons be­sides sex for be­ing in a re­la­tion­ship: make shared plans and goals, nur­ture emo­tional close­ness, have lots of cud­dles and en­joy shared ac­tiv­i­ties like movies, gar­den­ing or bik­ing to­gether. These are all vi­tal com­po­nents of in­ti­macy.

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