I have been with my partner for several years but I still miss the terrific climaxes I got with my first husband in certain positions. My current partner can’t last long enough to give me that climax.
This didn’t bother me so much when we first got together because his other qualities, important when bringing up kids, outweighed the sexual inadequacy and he does try! Also there has been an element of me not being honest with myself about how important sex is to me. But now it is bothering me more as I wonder, what is the point in being in a couple if the sex is not satisfying because of lacklustre orgasms? I have tried a vibrator but it can’t replicate the real thing.
What can I do to resolve this? I also would like to try kinky things but he is not up for it. Great: you are acknowledging to yourself now that sex is important to you, your erotic urges are present and you’re ready to rock! I encourage you to look forward rather than back. Making performance comparisons is destructive to the kind of deep bond and openness to playing you’re needing to achieve now with this man.
There are ways to learn to hold an erection for longer, including exercising pelvic floor muscles then during sex, relaxing buttock muscles and using breath well. Any intercourse position that results in deep penetration can be challenging for a man to hold his erection for long. For maximising stimulation while helping him last longer, try spooning or sex face-toface while lying on your sides.
It’s time to be having a fully open, loving discussion with your partner about the sexual energy you have and your interest in broadening your repertoire.
Be prepared to describe what appeals and is important to you and to listen well to your partner’s sexual wishes and concerns about kink.
Then together you can follow your experimental urges by finding activities and positions that are acceptable and pleasurable to you both. Also attend to the many other reasons besides sex for being in a relationship: make shared plans and goals, nurture emotional closeness, have lots of cuddles and enjoy shared activities like movies, gardening or biking together. These are all vital components of intimacy.