Sex advice with Mrs Salisbury
A couple of years ago I had a relationship with an older married man I worked with. It started as a friendship between colleagues talking at Friday work drinks and about six months later he started texting me on my work cellphone and we became closer.
He told me that he and his wife (who was pregnant with their second child at the time) had separated, but were keeping up appearances as they both worked for same company. He also said they were just good friends who had also married as a convenience thing so they could have kids.
I believed him – he used to wear a wedding ring and suddenly he wasn’t, even in the presence of his wife, so I never thought to ask (though she continued to wear hers). And even if I wanted to check with her I probably wouldn’t have because they were trying to keep up “appearances” and it would have created a lot of tension. Very slowly, and partly because his supposed ex-wife questioned me, it dawned on me that he hadn’t been honest and I was a mistress, so I ended the relationship.
Now, two years on, I’m happily married with a little one of my own but sometimes I look back and wonder if I did the right thing by not telling his wife the real story. It eats away at me but I didn’t want to be seen as a home wrecker. It sounds like you wish you’d been wise and courageous enough to have been honest with your lover’s wife. I understand that wish and also why you weren’t. The right thing now is to take your learning from this experience and to leave some of the responsibility with the man who drove it. The excitement of an affair with its secrecy and desire is powerful and often leads to putting on blinkers with great regret afterwards.
You can’t undo any of it now and, if this man has grown up somewhat and the couple have created a sound relationship, you could do significant harm by fessing up at this point. I’m sure you’ve thought about how you would feel if you were in her shoes. You clearly have an operating conscience and your own inner wisdom from that will inform you how to act in future should you ever find temptation beckoning.