Sex ad­vice

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - PERSPECTIVES -

I think I’m ad­dicted to porn on the in­ter­net. I’m in a re­la­tion­ship but don’t live with my part­ner, al­though we are talk­ing about me mov­ing into her place.

She’s not all that in­ter­ested in sex and I have trou­ble reach­ing or­gasm with her, but if I look at porn it turns me on very quickly. I would like to break the habit of look­ing at porn and con­cen­trate on a bet­ter time with my part­ner. What do you sug­gest? She’s not in­ter­ested and you’re hooked on porn – that’s a chal­leng­ing be­gin­ning! Why are you two to­gether? Hope­fully there are more strengths in this re­la­tion­ship than you’re re­veal­ing here.

Porn is de­signed for a quick turn-on. Real sex with an on­go­ing part­ner is quite dif­fer­ent. To get great plea­sure out of it you both have some in­ter­est­ing and re­ward­ing learn­ing ahead. Start yours by find­ing out how porn and quick DIYs are serv­ing you.

Each time you feel the urge, take five min­utes to check in with your­self and see what needs you’re try­ing to meet by get­ting turned on.

Are you sim­ply horny and want­ing re­lief or are you bored? Uptight and need­ing to re­lax or zone out? Lonely but not con­fi­dent you can con­nect in a sat­is­fy­ing way? A bit down or not feel­ing OK about your­self and need­ing a boost?

Con­sider whether you have bet­ter ways to meet your need and try act­ing on those.

If at the end of five min­utes you still want to mas­tur­bate to porn, do so with full aware­ness that you’re touch­ing your­self while look­ing at images of oth­ers when you’d rather be mak­ing love to your part­ner.

It’s not un­com­mon for men used to mas­tur­bat­ing to porn to have trou­ble ejac­u­lat­ing dur­ing in­ter­course and the cure is to stop mas­tur­bat­ing for at least a month so your pe­nis and your brain can be­come ac­cus­tomed to a dif­fer­ent kind of stim­u­la­tion. Noth­ing will fall off or ex­plode if you don’t have an or­gasm for a month.

You may or may not be able to stop us­ing porn with­out pro­fes­sional help. When you can learn to fo­cus on and be turned on by a real woman, your part­ner may be­come more in­ter­ested in hav­ing sex with you. If not, but she’d like to, share this col­umn and your learn­ing with her and ask her to write to me. Why are some books and movies mar­keted so strongly to a fe­male au­di­ence when all of us might en­joy them, won­ders I read the book The Devil Wears Prada on a beach once. It was light and trashy and I thor­oughly en­joyed it – but I didn’t want any­body to see what I was read­ing so I was care­ful to hide its cover.

I was re­minded of this on a plane the other day. I saw an­other guy read­ing Liane Mo­ri­arty’s Big Lit­tle Lies (now pop­u­lar thanks to the Reece Wither­spoon-Ni­cole Kid­man mini-se­ries) with his hand firmly placed over the ti­tle for the en­tire flight.

I recog­nised the book cover, of course, be­cause I’ve read it too – in the pri­vacy of my own bed­room.

Such nov­els fit into a cat­e­gory called “chick lit”, aka lit­er­a­ture tar­geted at a fe­male au­di­ence.

How is it pos­si­ble to get away with this term? It’d never be acceptable to call Jack Reacher or Ja­son Bourne nov­els “dude fic­tion”.

When I take the con­cept apart,part, this idea – that cer­tain lit­er­ary ry con­tent is of in­ter­est to one gen­der – is of­fen­sive to both women and men. Who’s to say a ro­man­tic sto­ry­line, a psy­cho­log­i­cal thriller with a strong fe­male pro­tag­o­nist or ra a bit of light com­edy are the sole ole do­mains of women read­ers? ?

Book pub­lish­ers, that’s who. o. That’s why these books al­most ost al­ways fea­ture pink, pur­ple or lip­stick-red text on their cov­ers.ers.

I take um­brage at ro­man­ticc com­edy films be­ing mar­keted ed in the same way. Colin Firth is fan­tas­tic, no mat­ter what he’s ’s in. You won’t put me off see­ing him on the sil­ver screen be­cause the ti­tle of Brid­get Jones’s Baby by is in shades of fuch­sia. Just be­cause I want to chuckle at some Brit hu­mour set to the tune of El­lie Gould­ing, doesn’t mean I’m less of a man. Why does my al­ter­na­tive for a laugh have to be some abysmally-writ­ten Adam S San­dler Net­flix movie? Book Books are sup­posed to be egalita egal­i­tar­ian. They’re ac­ces­si­ble de­spit de­spite geo­graphic bor­ders, and all you need is a li­brary membe mem­ber­ship to read them for free. To pu push some forms of lit­er­a­ture to a par­tic­u­larp group is to ex­clu ex­clude oth­ers from an unfa un­fa­mil­iar ex­pe­ri­ence. An And isn’t that the point of read read­ing? To ed­u­cate your­self abo about things that aren’t part of youry nor­mal life? To gain oth other per­spec­tives? M Maybe it takes a very bold and se­cure man to read so-called chic chick lit. Now I think about it, I’d ar ar­gue that he who bran­dishes afa fresh copy of the lat­est Gil­lian Flynn or Jodi Pi­coult is per­haps the most se­cures in his mas­culin­ity.

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