Sex ad­vice

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - PERSPECTIVES -

My part­ner has a low li­bido, although she had a high sex drive with pre­vi­ous part­ners. For the past year or so she hasn’t re­ally been want­ing sex at all but we still have it once ev­ery two or three weeks. As she wasn’t re­ally in­ter­ested the qual­ity has been low and both of us have been un­sat­is­fied.

Now she has stip­u­lated she will ini­ti­ate; that way I know when she wants sex. I was happy we were go­ing to be hav­ing more sex, how­ever this is not even­tu­at­ing. I have a high sex drive.

How do I in­crease her sex drive or how does she in­crease it? We have a two-year-old which doesn’t help, but I do a lot around the home so that she gets a lot of “me” time ev­ery day, in­clud­ing three nights a week danc­ing.

I re­ally love her and pro­posed to her a month ago and we are now en­gaged. She is my all. Can you please help or am I be­ing un­rea­son­able? In my April 9 col­umn I out­lined the is­sues that are of­ten be­hind loss of de­sire. Two fur­ther specifics that spring to mind are the im­pact of be­com­ing a par­ent and the role of power in sex. Bear­ing and nur­tur­ing a child can leave a woman feel­ing like her body is taken over; she’s im­mersed in the baby’s de­mands for months. While this role can be bliss­ful, it’s also ex­haust­ing, and some­times leaves mums feel­ing more like a cow than a sex god­dess.

You two ap­pear to have par­tially ad­dressed the re­claim­ing of sex­ual self by mak­ing space for danc­ing, but only one of you dances! I’m cu­ri­ous about power in this re­la­tion­ship. What can you en­joy to­gether?

It’s un­der­stand­able you feel re­jected by this oc­cur­ring now and not with her past part­ners. It may be all due to the im­pact of mother­ing, but there’s also the de­struc­tive dy­namic that oc­curs with you pur­su­ing, she re­treat­ing. You are try­ing to ad­dress that with her ini­ti­at­ing, but this may ex­ac­er­bate your sense of pow­er­less­ness.

I’m also con­cerned that she is your all. That makes you too needy and I won­der whether some of your drive is a need for re­as­sur­ance. What has hap­pened to your friend­ships, in­ter­ests and your pas­sion for be­ing a dad?

It’s in­cred­i­bly hard to fit in per­sonal needs when you’re a par­ent but this sit­u­a­tion sounds un­even. It’s nei­ther help­ful nor ac­cept­able to pres­sure some­one into hav­ing sex, so fo­cus on be­com­ing more you. Claim your power. Self­less­ness is not at­trac­tive.

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