My partner has a low libido, although she had a high sex drive with previous partners. For the past year or so she hasn’t really been wanting sex at all but we still have it once every two or three weeks. As she wasn’t really interested the quality has been low and both of us have been unsatisfied.
Now she has stipulated she will initiate; that way I know when she wants sex. I was happy we were going to be having more sex, however this is not eventuating. I have a high sex drive.
How do I increase her sex drive or how does she increase it? We have a two-year-old which doesn’t help, but I do a lot around the home so that she gets a lot of “me” time every day, including three nights a week dancing.
I really love her and proposed to her a month ago and we are now engaged. She is my all. Can you please help or am I being unreasonable? In my April 9 column I outlined the issues that are often behind loss of desire. Two further specifics that spring to mind are the impact of becoming a parent and the role of power in sex. Bearing and nurturing a child can leave a woman feeling like her body is taken over; she’s immersed in the baby’s demands for months. While this role can be blissful, it’s also exhausting, and sometimes leaves mums feeling more like a cow than a sex goddess.
You two appear to have partially addressed the reclaiming of sexual self by making space for dancing, but only one of you dances! I’m curious about power in this relationship. What can you enjoy together?
It’s understandable you feel rejected by this occurring now and not with her past partners. It may be all due to the impact of mothering, but there’s also the destructive dynamic that occurs with you pursuing, she retreating. You are trying to address that with her initiating, but this may exacerbate your sense of powerlessness.
I’m also concerned that she is your all. That makes you too needy and I wonder whether some of your drive is a need for reassurance. What has happened to your friendships, interests and your passion for being a dad?
It’s incredibly hard to fit in personal needs when you’re a parent but this situation sounds uneven. It’s neither helpful nor acceptable to pressure someone into having sex, so focus on becoming more you. Claim your power. Selflessness is not attractive.