I am a 38-year-old woman and I have never had an orgasm. In the past, I have had a long-term highly sexual relationship where I was a man’s mistress. We had sex very frequently, and I faked an orgasm every single time. A big part of his sexual pleasure was feeling that he had satisfied me, and I wanted to keep him happy, because I liked most parts of the relationship apart from the sex. Sex was the price I paid for having him as a boyfriend.
I have had other partners, male and female, and have had the same experience. I love the person, I love being in a relationship, I enjoy sexual contact where I am able to focus entirely on pleasuring my partner... but I do not like to have receptive sex with the person.
I have been single and entirely chaste for over a decade now so the issue of achieving orgasm is entirely in my hands. For me, it feels like this: I’m running up a hill, I can see the top and I’m feeling strong. I really want to get to the top! I can feel my heart rate go up and my skin flushing. Then, suddenly, it’s like the horizon is moving swiftly away from me. The hill becomes a mountain, the top dwindling into a speck amidst the clouds, and I slowly come to a stop, sweaty and frustrated and a bit bewildered.
I don’t understand why masturbation does not allow me to climax. I have tried every sex toy and aid I’ve come across that does not look illegal or deadly, and had no success. Pornography turns me off. I don’t know what else to try. What would it mean for you to be a sexy woman who is readily orgasmic? At the risk of confirming readers’ worst stereotypes about what therapists do, I need to ask you what your mum modelled for you about being a sexy woman and about getting her needs met. You’ve focused on giving a lot and trying to avoid receiving – what is that about?
I’m pleased that for now you’re focusing on achieving orgasm for yourself; that simplifies things. From your description I’d say you are trying too hard. Swap your image for rolling in a soft grassy meadow on a warm day, no hills in sight, just you immersed in your sensual experiences, breathing in nature’s energy and on the out breath expressing your sexual energy.
Use both hands to be touching various parts of your body in ways that feel enjoyable. Make sure you pulse the clitoral stimulation as otherwise it’s easy to numb your genitals. Think sexy thoughts rather than thinking about orgasm.