I wish to know an answer that baffles my mind. My wife and I love the idea of a threesome, act it out and talk about it. But when I’m not horny, I find it offensive to think I want some other guy near my wife. I go through this every time we talk and role play this idea.
What is wrong with me? There’s nothing wrong with you. Many highly arousing sexual fantasies do not hold their appeal in reality and can generate shame and guilt afterwards. It’s great that you are emotionally aware enough to know how you feel about the prospect of acting on your fantasy as your emotions can guide you to make wise choices.
Will your wife mind if a threesome remains role play only? Any couple who does strike differences in their sexual preferences needs to be willing and able to listen with their eyes, ears and heart to what their partner yearns for and what matters to them about that. Then the other needs to explore their reluctance and share what that is about, until the couple can find middle ground.
Fantasies – either scripted scenarios like the plot in a movie or sensory ones that focus on images or sensations – can add variety and excitement to your sexual repertoire, help you both avoid distraction and own your pleasure during your lovemaking. They may transform fear into excitement and power. There may also be useful learning for anyone to reflect on what their sexual fantasies tell them about themselves.
Anyone fixated on a particular sexual fantasy needs to understand what it is about the fantasy that really excites them. This may give rise to the need to tackle something about yourself. It’s perfectly fine to use fantasy during sex to turn a past distressing event where you’ve felt powerless into excitement and a sense of power, if you both are happy about that. But if the fantasy becomes an obsession, then the issue needs to be worked through outside of your sex life. I’d encourage you to keep valuing your imagination and your capacity to be real as well. Then you’ve got the best of both worlds.
Robyn Salisbury is a clinical psychologist. Email questions to MrsSalisbury@sextherapy.co.nz