Sex ad­vice

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - ADVICE -

I’ve been with my hus­band for 5½ years and he never ini­ti­ates sex. We have tried Vi­a­gra but he has no de­sire to take it and it’s ex­pen­sive. If we do have sex, I al­ways have to go on top, which I hate. This has nearly bro­ken us up be­cause he has been say­ing the whole time we’ve been to­gether that he needs to be bet­ter in the bed­room, but this never hap­pens. When we were try­ing for our ba­bies, even when he knew my ovu­la­tion time he still wouldn’t be in­ter­ested. I had to plan it all. I’m now ster­ilised. I don’t know what to do. I have gone from pre­vi­ous part­ners – who watched porn 24/7 and were cheaters – to my hus­band, who never wants sex. In some ways it’s a nice change but in other ways it would be nice to be cared for in that way. He just goes to bed to sleep. He is a very car­ing and lov­ing man and is per­fect aside from this. He doesn’t touch me at all apart from cud­dling and mu­tual touch­ing ini­ti­ated by me. I did think that maybe he is gay, but why be with me if he is? Of course you want to be lusted af­ter as well as loved and cared for. It could be, as you sus­pected, that you are not the gen­der he de­sires. How­ever there are many other pos­si­ble ex­pla­na­tions for your man’s lack of drive. You’ve elim­i­nated the pos­si­bil­ity of an un­wanted preg­nancy as a de­ter­rent and clar­i­fied this is not a lack of con­fi­dence in phys­i­cal func­tion. I’d want to ex­plore how sex was be­tween you when you first met and, if there was a spark then, what has changed? You men­tioned this was a prob­lem be­fore you con­ceived, but be­com­ing a par­ent can in­ten­sify those is­sues, shift­ing peo­ple out of “sexy lover” into “par­ent” mode and some strug­gle to make space for both roles. Some peo­ple are highly re­ac­tive to changes in ap­pear­ance. Given the com­pul­sory sex­ual po­si­tion, I’m cu­ri­ous to know if the thought of be­ing sex­u­ally pow­er­ful stirs up neg­a­tive feel­ings or mem­o­ries for him. Gen­tly ex­plain that you’re keen for the two of you to have a good sex life and lead some dis­cus­sions on this. Read to­gether The Guide To Get­ting it On or The New Male Sex­u­al­ity. This may help flush out the prob­lem.

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