I’ve been with my husband for 5½ years and he never initiates sex. We have tried Viagra but he has no desire to take it and it’s expensive. If we do have sex, I always have to go on top, which I hate. This has nearly broken us up because he has been saying the whole time we’ve been together that he needs to be better in the bedroom, but this never happens. When we were trying for our babies, even when he knew my ovulation time he still wouldn’t be interested. I had to plan it all. I’m now sterilised. I don’t know what to do. I have gone from previous partners – who watched porn 24/7 and were cheaters – to my husband, who never wants sex. In some ways it’s a nice change but in other ways it would be nice to be cared for in that way. He just goes to bed to sleep. He is a very caring and loving man and is perfect aside from this. He doesn’t touch me at all apart from cuddling and mutual touching initiated by me. I did think that maybe he is gay, but why be with me if he is? Of course you want to be lusted after as well as loved and cared for. It could be, as you suspected, that you are not the gender he desires. However there are many other possible explanations for your man’s lack of drive. You’ve eliminated the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy as a deterrent and clarified this is not a lack of confidence in physical function. I’d want to explore how sex was between you when you first met and, if there was a spark then, what has changed? You mentioned this was a problem before you conceived, but becoming a parent can intensify those issues, shifting people out of “sexy lover” into “parent” mode and some struggle to make space for both roles. Some people are highly reactive to changes in appearance. Given the compulsory sexual position, I’m curious to know if the thought of being sexually powerful stirs up negative feelings or memories for him. Gently explain that you’re keen for the two of you to have a good sex life and lead some discussions on this. Read together The Guide To Getting it On or The New Male Sexuality. This may help flush out the problem.