Sex ad­vice

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - ADVICE -

I have been with my part­ner for around 18 months and, like some­one wrote to you a while ago, it feels like she doesn’t want me. I do all the work and feel like I’m pres­sur­ing her for sex. If I leave it, I don’t get any sex; if I try, she doesn’t want to. I’m not en­tirely sure what’s go­ing on, but any help would be ap­pre­ci­ated. Have a “Can we work on this to­gether?” con­ver­sa­tion, where you ex­plain in a non-crit­i­cal way that hav­ing a plea­sur­able sex life mat­ters very much to you, that you would re­ally en­joy feel­ing de­sired and the last thing you want to do is to be pres­sur­ing her into sex. Keep in mind that many peo­ple grow up with min­i­mal sex ed­u­ca­tion and there’s so much to know. Learn­ing about sex to­gether can be a fab­u­lous be­gin­ning for a re­la­tion­ship – once you use com­mu­ni­ca­tion to get through the awk­ward times.

Ex­plore feel­ings about sex, pref­er­ences of kinds of love­mak­ing ac­tiv­i­ties and con­di­tions for hav­ing sex. This last sub­ject should in­clude whether feel­ing emo­tion­ally close and cared about is a pre-req­ui­site, times of day, hy­giene lev­els re­quired by each of you and se­cu­rity of pri­vacy. If you two are flat­ting with oth­ers, one of you may not care in the least about the pos­si­bil­ity of be­ing over­heard or even in­ter­rupted, you might even find it a turn-on while the other may feel to­tally in­hib­ited by that risk. Be sure to also cover whether the kinds of sex you’ve been hav­ing have been plea­sur­able for her, how your ini­ti­a­tion style is for her and whether she has been feel­ing pur­sued.

Your part­ner may not yet have dis­cov­ered her own sex­u­al­ity at all or feel very con­fi­dent about al­low­ing her­self to ven­ture into the erotic world. If so, look­ing at web­sites such as om­ and dod­so­nan­ will open that whole world for her. If she is will­ing, look at these sites with her, oth­er­wise give her space to ex­plore by her­self.

If you get a blan­ket “I’m just not into sex” and a re­fusal to work on it, then you’ve got a de­ci­sion to make about con­tin­u­ing this re­la­tion­ship. These things gen­er­ally don’t come right by them­selves and it doesn’t sound like you’re into celibacy, nor be­ing ser­viced oc­ca­sion­ally to keep the peace.

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