I have been married for 18 years. Four hours after we were married, I found out my husband had been having an affair and – as you can imagine – I was utterly devastated. I made the decision that my vows were important and that we rarely have the opportunity to truly be compassionate, so I forgave him and we moved on.
However, from that day we have averaged love making four times a year. He is just not interested and it has eaten into every part of my soul. He’s been to the doctor and there are no medical problems. I’ve sat down and discussed everything with him and his answer is to take me to bed, make love to me once, then not touch me again for three months.
We live harmoniously together, but I’m not sure how much longer I can go feeling like I’m not worthy of his love because he has withheld it for so long. He doesn’t kiss me, rarely hugs me and even holding my hand is asking for a miracle.
I understand we are all different, but I feel so love deprived I seriously question just how long I can last.
How do I fix this before it becomes irrevocably broken? It is broken. Your husband’s heart is clearly either elsewhere or securely locked away and always has been for the duration of this marriage. I wonder if he ever let go of his ex-lover. Your selflessness and dedication to honourable behaviour, while admirable, puts you at risk of becoming a martyr and that’s not desirable for either of you.
It’s time for a meta-discussion; not: “It’s been months since we last made love,” but a honest and forthright: “This marriage is not working for me.” I would suggest the two of you either get professional help to get to the bottom of what stands in the way of this man being more open, affectionate and loving or you together decide that it is time to part.
Are you ready for that possibility? Can you let yourself envisage a life without this man?
Reclaiming you if you become single will require giving yourself some self-compassionate healing attention until you can deeply value you and know you are worthy of being adored and desired.