Sex ad­vice with Mrs Sal­is­bury

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - ADVICE - Robyn Sal­is­bury is a clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist. Email ques­tions to MrsSal­is­bury@sex­ther­

Why can’t I feel any­thing dur­ing sex? Of course I can feel that there’s some­thing in­side me, and I feel arousal and plea­sure dur­ing fore­play, but when it comes to the full frontal in­ter­course with any man, I don’t feel any plea­sure or ex­cite­ment, I just feel un­com­fort­able. Try­ing unique po­si­tions doesn’t help and be­ing on top makes no dif­fer­ence to be­ing on the bot­tom. This re­ally takes a toll on my in­ti­macy, I feel like I’m do­ing all the work and it makes the per­son I’m with in­se­cure. Ca­sual sex is just an­other chore and I end up just giv­ing up on it and go­ing home by my­self be­cause I know that it’ll be the same – I’ll just feel un­com­fort­able and I won’t get any­thing from it. There are sev­eral pos­si­ble ex­pla­na­tions for this, let’s clear away the phys­i­o­log­i­cal side first. I’m tak­ing it from the with which name you signed your let­ter that you’re fe­male. Your suc­cess in get­ting aroused sug­gests hor­mon­ally you’re OK – are you reach­ing or­gasm OK through cli­toral stim­u­la­tion of some sort? Your cli­toris, the cen­tre of plea­sur­able gen­i­tal sen­sa­tion, has nerve end­ings that spread through your vulva and ab­domen, so if you’re not or­gas­mic it’s worth check­ing with your GP or a gy­nae­col­o­gist to en­sure your med­i­cal (surgery or drugs) and sport­ing his­tory has not caused any lower spinal nerve im­pair­ment.

We need also to look at your ex­pec­ta­tions. Vag­i­nas don’t have much sen­sa­tion; for women who do en­joy in­ter­course (and that’s not every­one) the plea­sure comes from want­ing to feel their part­ner in­side them, re­la­tional close­ness and the fric­tion on the cli­toris and its nerve end­ings. Some pre­fer bump­ing pres­sure that comes from thrust­ing in and out in­ter­course move­ments, some far pre­fer the rock­ing mo­tion of in­ter­course that main­tains body close­ness and pelvic pres­sure rub­bing on the cli­toris (see CAT, or coital align­ment tech­nique). Who’s on top and in what place­ment varies ac­cord­ing to body shape, so ca­sual sex with different part­ners would re­quire you shift­ing your­self or your part­ner’s hips up or down to find the right place to max­imise fric­tion. Many women don’t reach or­gasm dur­ing in­ter­course – in­stead they pre­fer man­ual or oral stim­u­la­tion be­fore, dur­ing or af­ter pen­e­tra­tion, if that oc­curs at all. Keep in mind your task is not to per­form to make your man think he’s a stud, it’s to have plea­sure. And check in with your­self to con­firm if you re­ally want th­ese strangers in­side your body.

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