I’m disappointed to have mostly lost my desire to have sex with my wife. We’ve been together for 15 years now – since we were both 18. I think our relationship is strong and we still love each other but I feel like our sex life is sick, maybe terminally ill. She says it’s normal for excitement to drop off and we should just keep having sex once a week or so to stay close.
We do that, but it’s very mundane and – I haven’t told her this – I have to use a fantasy in my head to get an erection. Is this how it will be for the rest of our lives? I don’t want to be unfaithful but I can see how people are tempted into affairs because I miss the erotic energy. You haven’t detailed what other demands there are for your energies. Are you both working? Is there pressure in your jobs? Do you have children? How is health (both mental and physical) and fitness for you both? Sexual desire sits in a context of course, so it’s important for you to consider all of these factors.
Then think about your relationship as an entity in itself which has needs – like a pot plant that needs to be watered frequently, have its leaves polished occasionally and be repotted from time to time.
Do you two regularly have fun together, try new life experiences, kiss and cuddle with meaning? There’s a vast difference between a dutiful peck and a meaningful kiss, and it only needs to take a few seconds longer. Responsiveness is a key to desire and you two sound like you’re boring each other to death. You both need to feel special and wanted and to have recent memories of good sex to desire more sex, so mundane duty sex will be a killer.
It’s time to introduce some novelty: try sharing fantasies or making some up together, experiment with new sexual positions, new times and places to make love. You were just kids when you got together – make sure you’re both growing your adult selves and bring that new you into sex. With effort, there’s no reason for sex to get boring in a long-term relationship. Use your love and trust to take more risks with each other.