Sex ad­vice

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - ADVICE -

I’m dis­ap­pointed to have mostly lost my de­sire to have sex with my wife. We’ve been to­gether for 15 years now – since we were both 18. I think our re­la­tion­ship is strong and we still love each other but I feel like our sex life is sick, maybe ter­mi­nally ill. She says it’s nor­mal for ex­cite­ment to drop off and we should just keep hav­ing sex once a week or so to stay close.

We do that, but it’s very mun­dane and – I haven’t told her this – I have to use a fan­tasy in my head to get an erec­tion. Is this how it will be for the rest of our lives? I don’t want to be un­faith­ful but I can see how peo­ple are tempted into af­fairs be­cause I miss the erotic en­ergy. You haven’t de­tailed what other de­mands there are for your en­er­gies. Are you both work­ing? Is there pres­sure in your jobs? Do you have chil­dren? How is health (both men­tal and phys­i­cal) and fit­ness for you both? Sex­ual de­sire sits in a con­text of course, so it’s im­por­tant for you to con­sider all of these fac­tors.

Then think about your re­la­tion­ship as an en­tity in it­self which has needs – like a pot plant that needs to be wa­tered fre­quently, have its leaves polished oc­ca­sion­ally and be re­pot­ted from time to time.

Do you two reg­u­larly have fun to­gether, try new life ex­pe­ri­ences, kiss and cud­dle with mean­ing? There’s a vast dif­fer­ence be­tween a du­ti­ful peck and a mean­ing­ful kiss, and it only needs to take a few sec­onds longer. Re­spon­sive­ness is a key to de­sire and you two sound like you’re bor­ing each other to death. You both need to feel spe­cial and wanted and to have re­cent mem­o­ries of good sex to de­sire more sex, so mun­dane duty sex will be a killer.

It’s time to in­tro­duce some nov­elty: try shar­ing fan­tasies or mak­ing some up to­gether, ex­per­i­ment with new sex­ual po­si­tions, new times and places to make love. You were just kids when you got to­gether – make sure you’re both grow­ing your adult selves and bring that new you into sex. With ef­fort, there’s no rea­son for sex to get bor­ing in a long-term re­la­tion­ship. Use your love and trust to take more risks with each other.

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