I am in my late 20s and married my husband last year. I have been diagnosed with endometriosis and have had laparoscopy surgery to have this removed, however I am still in pain 50 per cent of the time. I also have very little desire to have sex with my husband. I am more interested in “servicing myself” as it’s quicker and less invasive. My husband is aware of everything going on but he is suffering. It annoys him I’m not intimate with him often. We can go weeks without having sex because of me; sex just isn’t a big deal to me.
The idea of sex just doesn’t interest me but I’ve found when we do it I’m not interested beforehand and then I’m fully invested until the end. It’s like you know you should go to the gym and once you get there you’re fine, but finding the effort to get to the gym is the problem. I love my husband, but I’ve never been in love with sex. How can I get a sex drive? That’s demoralising for you both that the surgery, presumably aimed to remove all the abnormal endometrial tissue and to release adhesions, did not make a bigger difference. It’s not at all surprising that your libido has run out the door as – unless you’re a masochist – pain is a big turn-off. The anticipation of pain with intercourse also means you are likely to have chronically tensed your pelvic muscles. You may find it very helpful to work with a pelvic floor physio to release tense muscles and mobilise soft tissue.
It’s great that you can still enjoy intercourse once you get there; this suggests you’ve found a position that avoids exacerbating pain. I’d encourage you two now to be experimenting with all the non-penetrative ways you can be pleasuring each other.
Did you two used to kiss until you lost yourselves in each other? If so, back to that; if not, it’s time to discover the delight. Can you both stroke your lips, nose or cheeks or any other part of you all over the other’s body until you are both tingling with arousal? Are you each aware of all the erogenous zones between the top of your head and your toes and how to best pleasure them?
Agree to put intercourse aside for a few weeks and simply play until the door opens and libido sneaks back in.
“It’s like you know you should go to the gym and once you get there you’re fine.”