Sex ad­vice

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - ADVICE -

I am 24 years old, I’ve never had a girl­friend, I’ve never been with any­one – I just keep go­ing for the wrong peo­ple. I don’t want to have a one-night stand be­cause it’s not me. I was brought up in a Chris­tian fam­ily. I can’t stop think­ing about sex or watch­ing porn, it just drives me crazy want­ing it all the time and I mas­tur­bate a lot as well.

What would your ad­vice be to help some­one to stop think­ing about sex and want­ing to be with a phys­i­cal girl so much? To want to have a girl­friend and to want to be en­joy­ing sex are good healthy goals for you to have. It’s very nor­mal for men and women around your age to be think­ing about sex ev­ery day. How­ever, you sound like you’ve moved into ob­sess­ing about sex and there’s no plea­sure in that at all – it feels driven and in­sa­tiable. So one task is to shift your re­la­tion­ship to sex. There’s plenty of in­for­ma­tion on­line about break­ing a porn com­pul­sion, or you may need to seek pro­fes­sional help or write again to get me to ad­dress that specif­i­cally. But first, be­gin the tasks be­low.

I’m not sure what you mean by “go­ing for the wrong peo­ple”, nor specif­i­cally what val­ues you’ve been taught about your sex­u­al­ity from the Chris­tian up­bring­ing you re­fer to. It sounds like be­ing in a com­mit­ted re­la­tion­ship or mar­ried be­fore you have sex might one of those val­ues. What about watch­ing porn and mas­tur­ba­tion? If you’re be­hav­ing in ways that breach the moral code you’ve been taught, then guilt can be­come part of the out-of-con­trol cy­cle, only re­lieved (tem­po­rar­ily) by more porn and mas­tur­ba­tion, un­til you stop, re­flect on what re­ally mat­ters to you and set your­self some clear life val­ues that you choose to live by. So that has to be pri­or­ity num­ber one. As part of that, af­firm your sex­ual en­ergy as a life force that you are now in the process of find­ing the right per­son to take that to.

Num­ber two is to de­velop the life skills you need to be with a real girl. You sound like you have too much time on your own and may not have yet de­vel­oped those skills. What do you do to mix with others and how at ease do you feel do­ing that? Make get­ting to know some other peo­ple your age your pri­or­ity and do it in the con­text of an ac­tiv­ity you find fun or re­ward­ing.

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from New Zealand

© PressReader. All rights reserved.