Sex ad­vice with Mrs Sal­is­bury

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - ADVICE - Robyn Sal­is­bury is a clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist. Email ques­tions to MrsSal­is­bury@sex­ther­apy.co.nz.

I was hop­ing you could guide me a lit­tle, as I just don’t know what to do or where to search. I’m 21 years old and I have never ex­pe­ri­enced sex­ual plea­sure. I’m not talk­ing about or­gasm, I’m talk­ing about all sorts of plea­sure (from fore­play, cli­toris stim­u­la­tion, pen­e­tra­tion of any type).

My gy­nae­col­o­gist said that my phys­i­ol­ogy is OK, but it feels numb. Even just touch­ing – I can’t en­joy it, even though I’m re­ally aroused. I can feel that some­thing is in­side me but it’s not a good feel­ing... Some­times it hurts, but most times I feel noth­ing. I hope you can help me some­how.

Most women do not have sen­sa­tion in the vagina be­yond a sense of full­ness, so pen­e­tra­tive sex stim­u­lates phys­i­o­log­i­cally more through the fric­tion of your lover’s pelvis or your hand or fin­gers against your cli­toris or the gen­tle tug­ging of your labia im­pact­ing on some of the cli­toral nerve end­ings.

It’s use­ful to un­der­stand the struc­ture of the cli­toris and where its nerve end­ings spread. US sex ther­a­pist Paul Joanid­des has just pro­duced a lit­tle free video guide to the cli­toris. Have a look on­line at that to see if it adds any­thing to your un­der­stand­ing. Of­ten a lover’s or your own lack of skill will mean too much pres­sure is ap­plied, which di­rectly re­sults in numb­ing.

Are there any other ar­eas on your body that feel numb, or just your gen­i­tals? It’s great that you con­sulted a gy­nae­col­o­gist – pre­sum­ably they ex­cluded for you the pos­si­bil­ity of a spinal nerve prob­lem, hor­monal deficits, the pos­si­ble im­pact of sport­ing ac­tiv­i­ties and the po­ten­tial for any med­i­ca­tions you’re on to im­pact on gen­i­tal sen­sa­tion.

I won­der what ex­pec­ta­tions you came to sex with; how well pre­pared you felt, whether you have had any sex­u­ally abu­sive ex­pe­ri­ences, how you feel about this body of yours and how emo­tion­ally open you are? All of these things could be play­ing a role in your numb­ness, as could your plea­sure-seek­ing skills and your feel­ings about close­ness.

You can ex­pe­ri­ence a sense of be­ing aroused, which is great. Now the task is clear­ing the way to be open to sex­ual plea­sure. For ideas on tech­nique, see om­gyes.com. Also find on­line guide­lines for pelvic floor ex­er­cis­ing and swing those mus­cles to pulse blood into your gen­i­tals.

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