Sex ad­vice with Mrs Sal­is­bury

Sunday Star-Times - Sunday Magazine - - ADVICE - Robyn Sal­is­bury is a clin­i­cal psy­chol­o­gist. Email ques­tions to MrsSal­is­bury@sex­ther­apy.co.nz.

Af­ter keep­ing it a se­cret for some years, I fi­nally gath­ered my courage and told my wife I cross­dress. I don’t want to be a wo­man, I just find it a great turn-on to wear women’s silky un­der­wear and stock­ings with a sus­pender belt. I thought we could incorporate this into our sex life to give it a boost as it’s be­come some­what hum­drum. I also thought it would be great to go shop­ping to­gether for some new items for us both. I should have known bet­ter as she’s very trad. I got an im­me­di­ate veto. So where do I go from here? I can’t get her to un-know it and she’s look­ing at me with sus­pi­cion now. Are we in big trou­ble?

I can see how dis­ap­point­ing this is for your news to have not led to the kind of im­me­di­ate out­come you would have en­joyed. Do keep in mind it’s early days yet and build­ing love and tol­er­ance is an on­go­ing task for all cou­ples. Af­ter liv­ing with this knowl­edge of your­self for years, you have over­looked how dis­rup­tive it would be for your wife to get this new in­for­ma­tion about her hus­band. Sud­denly she’ll be wor­ried that you’re not the man she thought you were. And if you can blow her mind by spring­ing this on her, what else are you not telling her and where could this lead? Th­ese may be her other wor­ries.

I would en­cour­age you to go back to her and ac­knowl­edge, re­spect­fully, that you re­alise now how un­set­tling you telling her of this sex­ual in­ter­est would have been for her – and you’d like the two of you to take some time to work through this to­gether. Hear her fears and con­cerns, and her hopes for the re­la­tion­ship, be­fore seek­ing a way for her to make space for ac­cept­ing this ex­tra as­pect of who you are. Re­as­sure her that you are still all the things she thought of you as and this as well.

You’ve chal­lenged the re­la­tion­ship agree­ment in her eyes, so your task is to re­build her trust so she can bring em­pa­thy to the sit­u­a­tion and maybe a bit of ad­ven­tur­ous­ness. She may dis­cover her own taboo de­sires! Dossie Eas­ton’s

could be help­ful.

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