Sex advice with Mrs Salisbury
I’m a virgin and I think I’m too scared to have sex. Growing up, like many others, I dreamed of marriage and children. I was a goody-two-shoes though and decided to wait until I was married before having sex – not sure why, I don’t think it was a religious thing. At uni, I had a couple of fun nights with guys, but relationships didn’t eventuate and I stuck to my no-sex rule. (Cuddles and kisses only.)
I am now 33, have never been in a serious relationship and while I have had the opportunity to have sex, I still haven’t. I think in recent years though it’s because I’m now too scared, rather than waiting for a ring. Being my age with no experience is freaking me out, but it also means guys tend to dash after a couple of weeks (I’ve dated three guys in the past nine years, so limited experience there too). Any tips for how I can get over this hurdle?
It sounds like you are telling yourself that virginity at your age is shameful! Anything you feel shame about becomes a no-go area as shame by its very nature lurks in the shadows, making it very hard to confront. Shine the spotlight on it and have a frank conversation with yourself. This situation has come about from good intentions, not through any inadequacies in you.
You impress as having the courage and strength to be honest with yourself; your next step is to be honest with others. “Yes, I would like to go out with you, but I have to admit I’ve become terrified about my lack of experience.” This has become a vicious circle for you, with your fears of being thought of as inadequate stopping you from getting the experience you need. Some prospective partners may not respond positively to you being real with them, but that simply informs you they are not the right person for you.
I would not want anyone to have their first (or second or 10th!) sex with someone who did not know this.
You might like to practise by telling a trusted friend and enlisting their support in this goal of opening a door for yourself to have some new experiences. Keep in mind, too, that the ability to enjoy sex and give pleasure to others isn’t necessarily dependent on experience. Many people who’ve had multiple partners and experiences still don’t enjoy sex or know how to please their partners, while others take to it like ducks to water...