Steve Kilgallon
You want one scoop of vanilla, one of chocolate? Sure. Seen the plastic rhino outside? Cool, eh. Want a game of Modern Warfare 3? No, honestly, I’d play left-handed, give you a chance.
No, you want to get down to business? OK, OK. Well, I would like you to invest in my new business venture. I am somewhat short of funds at the moment and I have already told everyone I am going to launch it in six months’ time. Yes, all of my cash is frozen. Not in the freezer though, hahaha, that’s full of icecream for tonight. Oh, excuse my wicked German sense of humour. No, it is those stupid Americans.
It is an entirely new idea. Revolutionary. Imagine, if you own some music, and you want your friends to listen to it, you can simply upload it and share it with them. No, completely different to Megaupload. Well, this one’s called Megabox. See – box, not upload. Like, one is a noun and the other is a verb. It will be fine.
Why do it right now, when a month is like a year in the world of the internet? Symbolic. On the anniversary of the day I stoutly defended my wife and children from the Feds by planning a counter-attack from my command bunker. Call it a panic room, if you like. English is not my first language. It is like a big f... you to the man. And because of the money thing. No, just $20,000 a month for living expenses. I know. It barely pays for the broadband. And the icecream. Another scoop?
So what am I going to tell all the media coming to casa Kim tonight instead? Well, they will get free icecream. There will be a D-list American music producer. We might have a Modern Warfare 3 tournament. And I will say something grandiose about this pretty boring online storage site I’ve launched to give me some breathing space. And it will all be faithfully recorded in the New Zealand Herald tomorrow.
So you’ve seen the rhino, the games room, Wayne over there with the rifle, yeah, no, it is inflatable as well . . . what else should I show you? Ah yes, the panic room . . . erm bunker. Yep, real kauri. Noisecancelling properties. Very comfortable. Good place to chill out. Think up great new business ideas. Like Megabox. It will be revolutionary. So, got your chequebook with you?
While you’re thinking about it, wanna hear some rap? ‘‘I’m kim dot com / I’ve got a big scone (and arse) / I am the man in black (it’s very slimming) / with business ideas, I am brimming / I am the man in black / raid my house, Wayne will attack / ack- ack -ack/ ack-ack-ack / I am the king of twitter / My wife needs a new baby-sitter . . .’’