How we vote in New Zealand
Just because you voted in this year’s general election doesn’t mean you know how everything works. Luckily, David Slack has the answers.
MMP makes prominent businessmen cross. It makes them say things like how can one man hold us to ransom this is 2017 we are not a third world country FFS.
One huge question hangs over this election: do we actually know how our electoral system works? Yeah, nah.
What a terrible state of affairs. And what do we always do about a terrible state of affairs, punters? Dead right. Dump it on the teachers.
So stand by Ms Wallis in Room 3 and Mr Gerritsen in prefab 94, here comes an Emergency Civics Teaching Guide, written in simple Year 3 words for your kids and also anyone else you might meet wherever you go.
By rights there should be heaps of pictures, but there’s no money for that, so let’s just pretend they’re there, like the salary our teachers ought to get.
How We Vote in New Zealand: An Emergency Civics Teaching Guide.
This is an election. Many people come and put their votes in the box, especially granny and grandad. If you are 18 you can vote, too. You can do it properly with an easy-vote card, but you can also just turn up and say I only have a Fly Buys card can I vote please and they will say yes you can, we will just add up your votes two weeks after the other ones.
This is a prominent businessman going forward. He is cross that it takes so long to add up all the votes. He says this is 2017 and we are not a Third-World country, FFS. This is something people with money say when they are cross.
This is Winston Peters .Heisa politician. Nobody can remember when he was not a politician. Everyone wants to have him in their Government. Whenever anyone puts him in their Government they get thrown out at the next election, but everyone still wants him. Some people say this is because MMP is stupid. Other people say it is because politicians are stupid.
This is MMP. MMP makes prominent businessmen cross. It makes them say things like how can one man hold us to ransom this is 2017 we are not a Third-World country FFS.
This is Honest Bill and his friend Honest Steven. They are pointing at the sky which is full of rain and hail and saying that it is blue and sunny. People are not looking up at all, but they are saying the sky is blue and sunny because Bill and Steven said so.
People who do not look up at the rain also say that Bill and Steven are responsible economic managers.This is a thing people say because they hear other people say it. It does not actually mean anything unless you think $1.2 million is a reasonable price for a brick and tile in Henderson.
This is Dave. Dave has just got back from a two-month holiday in Europe and he will stop you in the street to tell you he can’t believe the country is being held to ransom. He wants you to name one single other place in the world where this could happen. If you say to him: ‘‘Germany’’, he will act like he has lost his hearing and go right on to say this is 2017, we are not a Third-World country FFS.
This is Borgen. Borgen isaTV programme in Denmark. It is about politics and MMP but people really like it. It is also about a woman called Birgitte. Birgitte is very lovely and smart and people like her very much even though she is a lefty and rides a bicycle. Birgitte becomes the prime minister because everyone who lives in Denmark understands you can be the leader of a small party and still do that. They say hooray for Birgitte, even though she is a lefty and a bloody cyclist. In Borgen they never say things like we are not a ThirdWorld country, FFS. People in Denmark have a lot of money.
This is the Sainte-Lague¨ formula .It is the method we use to work out who gets seats in Parliament. It is quite complicated but it is not the part of MMP that confuses people. What confuses people is the idea that the biggest party might not get to be the Government. It is funny that people cannot work this out, because this is 2017 and we are not a Third-World country FFS.