Lions win series - you read it here first
OK, so it’s not going to happen, but if the Lions did somehow manage to beat the All Blacks, just what sort of apocalyptic storm would sweep through the country...
The All Blacks’ loss to the British and Irish Lions in the test series has been called a ‘fiscal fiasco’’ by prime minister Bill English. He added in a wide ranging ‘State of the Nation’ speech that several All Blacks were ‘‘looking down the barrel of retirement’’ and he would stay on as leader in order to steady the ship.
Questioned further English revealed that he had cancelled the election planned for September 23. He also promised more police on the streets after a number of British tourists were attacked and accused of causing all of New Zealand’s road fatalities over the past year.
New Zealand Rugby moved quickly to allay the despair and anger that has gripped the country. Steve Tew said that Steve Hansen had voluntarily stepped down from his role in order to be closer to the police force and would be replaced by Winston Peters.
Tew said: ‘‘I am far from satisfied and so are Adidas and AIG. Until we have had a chance to sit down and go over the events of the past three weeks with the chief executives of Steinlager and Gatorade, I am not prepared to say anything further. But like everyone, we are hurting. This will cost millions.’’
Asked if Kieran Read would continue as captain, Tew said that was for Peters to decide. He was not sure if the face of the All Blacks would change under its first Maori coach, but that Peters had pledged to put New Zealand first.
Something needs to happen quickly because at the moment the dollar is in free fall. Brexit’s role in the Lions’ success has had a negative effect on New Zealand’s currency which is currently at a ten year low. The economic gloom has not been helped by increases in fuel prices at the pumps.
When asked why petrol prices has gone up a spokesman for one of the leading fuel suppliers said, ‘‘We are all suffering at the moment. Although oil remains stable in terms of cost per barrel, a number of other variables have meant that prices have had to soar.’’
In his first media conference as the new All Blacks coach, Peters said, ‘‘That’s Johnny Jamal foreigner for you. There is a significant percentage of Asians in Auckland. That’s my view. We have now reached the point where you can wander down Queen Street in Auckland and wonder if you are still in New Zealand or some other country.
‘‘We should never have let the Lions into the country in the first place. That’s where all the trouble started. What have the Brits ever done for us? Smart alec, arrogant, quiche eating, chardonnay drinking, pinky finger pointing, snobby blossom-farters.’’
Peters’ reaction has aroused fears that he will blame Pakeha for the All Blacks’ loss, despite Read’s claim that ‘‘this Lions defeat is a non-issue, I’m just here to play footy.’’ If it is a non-issue as the captain claims, you have to ask why Beauden Barrett is currently practising his goalkicking in a secure unit in the Rimutakas.
A source at the Corrections Department says that Barrett is hunched over a ball day and night, with his hands clasped together as if in prayer. She added that similarities to Jonny Wilkinson are entirely coincidental.
We live in troubling times. Some climate change scientists have even asserted that the rivers flowing red in parts of Canterbury was a portent of Lions success. The leader of the opposition said the state of the waterways was ‘‘a national disgrace’’ and urged the country to ‘‘think Little.’’
The prime minister, who in the past hour has changed his name to Bill McCaw, responded by saying: ‘‘I may just be a farmer from Dipton, but it is ridiculous to claim that Canterbury’s rivers are running red because of some British rugby hoodoo voodoo. It is agricultural effluent, pure and simple.’’
McCaw’s reassurances may not appease the majority of New Zealand’s farmers who now face hard times. In some previously productive areas of the country, even the bees have stopped producing manuka honey. Their spokesman, Buzzy Bee, has taken refuge in an Op Shop and is refusing to talk to the media.
In response to the crisis Peters has defied expectations and appointed Fred Dagg as his chief selector. Yesterday evening Peters made the following statement: ‘‘John Clarke would be turning in his grave at recent events.
‘‘Fred and I have decided that it is time Northland helps the country get back on its feet. It was clear that the Lions debacle was partly down to this government’s failed immigration policies. But it was also clear the team did not have enough time to prepare. As a result we have decided to announce the All Blacks World Cup team 24 months ahead of schedule.
‘‘Film is now so prominent in the way the rest of the world views New Zealand that it is inevitable that this has been reflected in the makeup of the All Blacks who will go to Japan.’’
The team is:
Fullback: BPT Mckenzie (Wairarapa). Noted for asking if Ben Smith was ‘Man or Muppet’?
Right wing: PR Jackson (Wellington, captain). Wingnut.
Left wing: AH Paquin (Wellington). IRB Young Strolling Player of the Year, unrelated to the owners of Pak ‘n Save.
Centre: V Ward (Wairarapa). Moving to French club Cannes after the World Cup.
Second five-eighth: NS Neill (Otago). Mysteriously known to his mates as ‘Paddocks’
First five-eighth: EJ Campion (Wellington). Says rugby is not a life or a career.
Halfback: TD Waititi (Poverty Bay). Just the boy for the job, a dogged defender in the hunt for the wilder people.
No 8: IM McKellen (captain, Middle Earth). Originally English, but just qualifies under stringent new residency regulations having lived in Middle Earth for the past 10,000 years.
Flankers: WL Tamahori (Wellington). Sometimes takes the field in a netball skirt.
RI Crowe (Wellington). Dual code international, having played league for Australia
Locks: A Orc-White (Auckland). Aaron has appealed a positive steroid test, blaming it on English genetic complications.
B Orc-White (Auckland). Bryce is the younger of the 46th set of brothers to play for New Zealand.
Tighthead prop: GP Murphy (Wellington). Says Peter Jackson is given way too much ball
Loosehead prop: J Clement (Wairarapa). Also known as Hippopotamus and Bottomless
Hooker: TD Morrison (Rotorua). Once said ‘‘Keven Mealamu wouldn’t know what hard was’’.
Bloodbin replacement: J Gilbert (Wellington). IRB Player of the Year for Film Editing.
Yeah, well, it’s just a story.