] Be­tween Chi­bok and Yoko­suna

Daily Trust - - VIEWS -

For the past two weeks, in line with the doc­trine of ne­ces­sity and the pas­sion­ate ap­peal I made to Mama Char­lie to save the coun­try her en­voy’s maid named; the BBC has put the pres­i­dency to task. In the first of a two in­ter­views, cit­i­zens of the Bri­tish pro­tec­torate called Naija have heard Yoko­suna and Apati on air. They were on air field­ing ques­tions on Chi­bok girls which again, thanks to the BBC were dis­cov­ered miss­ing cor­rect­ing the dream of de­fence head­quar­ters that they had been res­cued.

As a loyal sub­ject of the em­pire, I know that our clue­less­ness in strength­en­ing the bond of na­tion­al­ism ap­plied by Lu­gard would leave us with no al­ter­na­tive than sur­ren­der our pre­tended back, I know where to get news. I know who has the author­ity to make people give a damn on salient is­sues. For those who still amuse them­selves that govern­ment mega­phones are elec­tronic Ova­tion (apol­ogy to Dele Mo­modu), I have news for them. When Umoru was on his deathbed and ques­tions arose as to how a na­tion can ex­ist in a vac­uum, it was The Beeb that cap­tured Umoru’s voice and gave birth to the doc­trine of ne­ces­sity?

So, Yoko­suna ap­peared on World Have Your Say and pro­claimed that Naija is at war. You would think that a gar­gan­tuan thing like that would be made on na­tional net­work news af­ter a leg­isla­tive dec­la­ra­tion, but you are wrong. Yoko­suna said that the dec­la­ra­tion of war led the Com­man­der-in-Chief to or­der the clo­sure of all schools in the north­east. He ex­pressed sur­prise that a prin­ci­pal and I add, fe­male prin­ci­pal for that mat­ter; de­fied that or­der. Un­for­tu­nately, be­fore he could shock and awe our pachy­der­mic na­tion, Ni­tel (do they still ex­ist?) na­tion­alised the call.

Two days later, Apati was on Fo­cus on Africa. Again, he was sum­moned by The Beeb to an­swer to the ques­tion of the Chi­bok girls. He told the Com­mon­wealth that the pres­i­dent is ‘on top of the sit­u­a­tion’ (not his ex­act words). His an­swers showed that he had been read­ing too stop beat­ing about the so­cial me­dia bush, and just call Bush House. It was the doc­trine of ne­ces­sity that brought us this far, who knows where it will yet take us?

No-one would know if the pres­i­dent has called off his own hunger strike. But one thing is clear, when Bush House calls, it’s a sign that Mama Char­lie has an in­ter­est. No mat­ter how much we pre­tend that we don’t give a damn, we are forced to. When I heard that the Yola jam­boree, that Sadam Hus­sein would have called the mother of all ral­lies has been post­poned, I was tick­led (since I am un­shock­able). That news is bad news for those who got con­tracts to im­port rented crowd for the largest party in Africa. But I am sure the Lamido of Adamawa would be re­lieved. He spends N10 mil­lion monthly on marabouts to se­cure his do­main. The rally would have taken a huge chunk of his corn-fer­ence al­lowance.

The al­tru­ism of our pres­i­dent is leg­endary; it is the wicked­ness of other world lead­ers in times of ad­ver­sity that tend to por­tray ours dif­fer­ently. Not many of you would know a man called Chung Hong-won. He is the prime min­is­ter of South Korea. Hong-won was about state busi­ness when news of a ferry cap­size hit on April 16. Nearly 200 people pas­sen­gers were cer­ti­fied dead, 115 are still miss­ing; 476 of those on board were South Korean high school stu­dents. Against all odds, the search is on­go­ing. In the midst of the agony, A Naija ruiner would glue him­self to the seat of gov­er­nance, but Mr. Hong-won has re­signed. Hear him: “I saw griev­ing fam­i­lies suf­fer­ing with the pain of los­ing their loved ones and the sad­ness and re­sent­ment of the pub­lic. I thought I should take all re­spon­si­bil­ity as prime min­is­ter.” Sorry, he was not the ferry op­er­a­tor.

On a Wed­nes­day such as this, in­con­sid­er­ate acts like Hong-won tempt us to shout Abba Mo­ron and look like bad people. But then, how many died in the NIS re­cruit­ment scam? How many were slaugh­tered in Buni Yadi and how many trade blames over the ab­duc­tion of the first 49 and now the over 235? My dear Pres­i­dent Jones, don’t let any Korean push you to the edge, stay on the throne of your fore­bears.

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