] Between Chibok and Yokosuna
For the past two weeks, in line with the doctrine of necessity and the passionate appeal I made to Mama Charlie to save the country her envoy’s maid named; the BBC has put the presidency to task. In the first of a two interviews, citizens of the British protectorate called Naija have heard Yokosuna and Apati on air. They were on air fielding questions on Chibok girls which again, thanks to the BBC were discovered missing correcting the dream of defence headquarters that they had been rescued.
As a loyal subject of the empire, I know that our cluelessness in strengthening the bond of nationalism applied by Lugard would leave us with no alternative than surrender our pretended back, I know where to get news. I know who has the authority to make people give a damn on salient issues. For those who still amuse themselves that government megaphones are electronic Ovation (apology to Dele Momodu), I have news for them. When Umoru was on his deathbed and questions arose as to how a nation can exist in a vacuum, it was The Beeb that captured Umoru’s voice and gave birth to the doctrine of necessity?
So, Yokosuna appeared on World Have Your Say and proclaimed that Naija is at war. You would think that a gargantuan thing like that would be made on national network news after a legislative declaration, but you are wrong. Yokosuna said that the declaration of war led the Commander-in-Chief to order the closure of all schools in the northeast. He expressed surprise that a principal and I add, female principal for that matter; defied that order. Unfortunately, before he could shock and awe our pachydermic nation, Nitel (do they still exist?) nationalised the call.
Two days later, Apati was on Focus on Africa. Again, he was summoned by The Beeb to answer to the question of the Chibok girls. He told the Commonwealth that the president is ‘on top of the situation’ (not his exact words). His answers showed that he had been reading too stop beating about the social media bush, and just call Bush House. It was the doctrine of necessity that brought us this far, who knows where it will yet take us?
No-one would know if the president has called off his own hunger strike. But one thing is clear, when Bush House calls, it’s a sign that Mama Charlie has an interest. No matter how much we pretend that we don’t give a damn, we are forced to. When I heard that the Yola jamboree, that Sadam Hussein would have called the mother of all rallies has been postponed, I was tickled (since I am unshockable). That news is bad news for those who got contracts to import rented crowd for the largest party in Africa. But I am sure the Lamido of Adamawa would be relieved. He spends N10 million monthly on marabouts to secure his domain. The rally would have taken a huge chunk of his corn-ference allowance.
The altruism of our president is legendary; it is the wickedness of other world leaders in times of adversity that tend to portray ours differently. Not many of you would know a man called Chung Hong-won. He is the prime minister of South Korea. Hong-won was about state business when news of a ferry capsize hit on April 16. Nearly 200 people passengers were certified dead, 115 are still missing; 476 of those on board were South Korean high school students. Against all odds, the search is ongoing. In the midst of the agony, A Naija ruiner would glue himself to the seat of governance, but Mr. Hong-won has resigned. Hear him: “I saw grieving families suffering with the pain of losing their loved ones and the sadness and resentment of the public. I thought I should take all responsibility as prime minister.” Sorry, he was not the ferry operator.
On a Wednesday such as this, inconsiderate acts like Hong-won tempt us to shout Abba Moron and look like bad people. But then, how many died in the NIS recruitment scam? How many were slaughtered in Buni Yadi and how many trade blames over the abduction of the first 49 and now the over 235? My dear President Jones, don’t let any Korean push you to the edge, stay on the throne of your forebears.