Silence! Rejuvenated President at work
For those who have been clamouring for Sai Baba to stay home and work, well; be careful what you wish for and be specific in your demands. It’s been weeks since a rejuvenated Sai Baba returned from health leave in London. To debunk rumours that he only challenges journalists to wrestling matches, he has been grappling with governance while wailing wailers have not stopped for a sip of zobo.
If you listen to wailers - on paper, Naija is a beautiful bride but in reality only the elites of powerful tribes are preserved to ravish her. The rest of us are spectators. In the eyes of the Avengers, a reconstituted NNPC without names like Boyloaf, Dokubo and Tompolo has left much to be desired. Some argue that Ibe Kachiku was dropped down a few steps so that another Muhammadu could help run the oil house ahead of 2019. Do they produce oil in Baruland? There are talks that even Kachikwu is not southern enough and unlike some new appointees, it is too late to adjust his birth certificate.
All that the people want is someone to blame for kerosene scarcity. Kerosene is the barometer for measuring the success of governments. This was the logic of Omisore’s failed attempt at using kerosene infrastructure to unseat Ogbeni in Osun. Usually unreliable statistics show that 70 percent of Naija people would have loved to use kerosene for cooking except that they have alternatives in firewood and charcoal. If there are people who think that tree cutting or charcoal fire impacts on the environment they probably live in Chad where newborns are given gas cylinders by Idris Derby. The world’s sixth producer of oil and largest deposit of gas yearns for kerosene to power its paraffin lanterns. The gods of China would never wish Naija power well. They export lanterns and generators. They save rural dwellers from darkness from Lagos and Port Harcourt through Kano and Abuja where hydro electricity is reserved for lighting up the streets to look like London.
Practically, kerosene is yet to find its deregulated level, but they don’t know that in Camp Buhari. During the last Ramadan, Sai Baba’s rolled up his sleeves to cook for a few privileged underprivileged while the first wife was away. He did it by the book, because before serving the food, he had a talk with his valet who dressed him in a waiter’s uniform as he was prayerfully waiting tables. Give it to reform, the ADC was not there taking ipad pictures.
This is what happens when your nation plagiarizes the American constitution and apes Barack Obama’s altruism in American soup kitchens. If we don’t have soup kitchens in Abuja, invent it during Ramadan and repeat at Christmas. Alhamdullillahi, Americans did not patent POTUS poses and Sai Baba has been using it without attribution since 2012. We all remember him dressed in cocktail suit and bow tie; high-fiving a bemused toddler? Those steals were so iconic even Ike Ekweremadu copied them in the fear that he was going to jail.
Serving meals to the chosen poor is not the only service that a rejuvenated Sai Baba has rendered his nation of late. The investigation and clearance of General Brutal’s Dubai mansion saga must make Santa Dasuki feel robbed of his princehood.
Then there is the dynamism of favouring we, the north with juicy appointments. We are back in government and in power. We control the armed forces and got a freshly minted police chief constable. We recently added a prison chief warder to booth because we want to make sure that PDP looters bound for prison get there and not the amenity ward of five star hospitals. Eggs on the faces of wailers; a rejuvenated Sai Baba is a nepotistic reverse gear restructuring positions before Atiku Abubakar started using the word as if he owns it. People sure see clearly outside Arsehole Rock so nobody expects Atiku and Yemi Osinbade to define restructuring using the same dictionary.
In Osinbade’s grammar, if restructuring means giving more federal money to profligate governors, it won’t happen. What is likely to happen is a diversified economy - powered on charcoal and firewood of course. Under it, 100,000 software developers are to be trained to transform a toothpick-importing nation into the Internet hub of Africa! This must make Saminu Turaki green with envy. His dream of turning every pebble in Dutse into a silicon chip did not materialize because Dutse rocks are impervious to miracles. As announced by the VP 100,000 software developers are called, but only fifty are chosen to dinner. Let’s hope they reflect federal character and do not realize that APC means all promises cancelled.
Sai Baba is home and working because a gun cannot go off in Dallas or a bomb in Medina, without a presidential word of condemnation. It is good that Naija’s voice is heard everywhere - except, maybe in Agatuland of Benue State where it matters. But we already know, without a shard of evidence that the killers are Libyans. Let us hope that before the Agatu is wiped off the map, Sai Baba would make a trip to Tripoli and Benghazi.
If you listen to wailers - on paper, Naija is a beautiful bride but in reality only the elites of powerful tribes are preserved to ravish her. The rest of us are spectators. In the eyes of the Avengers, a reconstituted NNPC without names like Boyloaf, Dokubo and Tompolo has left much to be desired