Si­lence! Re­ju­ve­nated Pres­i­dent at work

Daily Trust - - OPINION -

For those who have been clam­our­ing for Sai Baba to stay home and work, well; be care­ful what you wish for and be spe­cific in your de­mands. It’s been weeks since a re­ju­ve­nated Sai Baba re­turned from health leave in Lon­don. To de­bunk ru­mours that he only chal­lenges jour­nal­ists to wrestling matches, he has been grap­pling with gov­er­nance while wail­ing wail­ers have not stopped for a sip of zobo.

If you lis­ten to wail­ers - on pa­per, Naija is a beau­ti­ful bride but in re­al­ity only the elites of pow­er­ful tribes are pre­served to rav­ish her. The rest of us are spec­ta­tors. In the eyes of the Avengers, a re­con­sti­tuted NNPC with­out names like Boy­loaf, Dokubo and Tom­polo has left much to be de­sired. Some ar­gue that Ibe Kachiku was dropped down a few steps so that an­other Muham­madu could help run the oil house ahead of 2019. Do they pro­duce oil in Baru­land? There are talks that even Kachikwu is not south­ern enough and un­like some new ap­pointees, it is too late to ad­just his birth cer­tifi­cate.

All that the peo­ple want is some­one to blame for kerosene scarcity. Kerosene is the barom­e­ter for mea­sur­ing the suc­cess of gov­ern­ments. This was the logic of Omisore’s failed at­tempt at us­ing kerosene in­fra­struc­ture to un­seat Og­beni in Osun. Usu­ally un­re­li­able sta­tis­tics show that 70 per­cent of Naija peo­ple would have loved to use kerosene for cook­ing ex­cept that they have al­ter­na­tives in fire­wood and char­coal. If there are peo­ple who think that tree cut­ting or char­coal fire im­pacts on the en­vi­ron­ment they prob­a­bly live in Chad where new­borns are given gas cylin­ders by Idris Derby. The world’s sixth pro­ducer of oil and largest de­posit of gas yearns for kerosene to power its paraf­fin lan­terns. The gods of China would never wish Naija power well. They ex­port lan­terns and gen­er­a­tors. They save ru­ral dwellers from dark­ness from La­gos and Port Har­court through Kano and Abuja where hy­dro elec­tric­ity is re­served for light­ing up the streets to look like Lon­don.

Prac­ti­cally, kerosene is yet to find its dereg­u­lated level, but they don’t know that in Camp Buhari. Dur­ing the last Ra­madan, Sai Baba’s rolled up his sleeves to cook for a few priv­i­leged un­der­priv­i­leged while the first wife was away. He did it by the book, be­cause be­fore serv­ing the food, he had a talk with his valet who dressed him in a waiter’s uni­form as he was prayer­fully wait­ing ta­bles. Give it to re­form, the ADC was not there tak­ing ipad pic­tures.

This is what hap­pens when your na­tion pla­gia­rizes the Amer­i­can con­sti­tu­tion and apes Barack Obama’s al­tru­ism in Amer­i­can soup kitchens. If we don’t have soup kitchens in Abuja, in­vent it dur­ing Ra­madan and re­peat at Christ­mas. Al­ham­dullil­lahi, Amer­i­cans did not patent PO­TUS poses and Sai Baba has been us­ing it with­out at­tri­bu­tion since 2012. We all re­mem­ber him dressed in cock­tail suit and bow tie; high-fiv­ing a be­mused tod­dler? Those steals were so iconic even Ike Ek­w­ere­madu copied them in the fear that he was go­ing to jail.

Serv­ing meals to the cho­sen poor is not the only ser­vice that a re­ju­ve­nated Sai Baba has ren­dered his na­tion of late. The in­ves­ti­ga­tion and clear­ance of Gen­eral Brutal’s Dubai man­sion saga must make Santa Da­suki feel robbed of his prince­hood.

Then there is the dy­namism of favour­ing we, the north with juicy ap­point­ments. We are back in gov­ern­ment and in power. We control the armed forces and got a freshly minted po­lice chief con­sta­ble. We re­cently added a prison chief warder to booth be­cause we want to make sure that PDP loot­ers bound for prison get there and not the amenity ward of five star hos­pi­tals. Eggs on the faces of wail­ers; a re­ju­ve­nated Sai Baba is a nepo­tis­tic re­verse gear re­struc­tur­ing po­si­tions be­fore Atiku Abubakar started us­ing the word as if he owns it. Peo­ple sure see clearly out­side Ar­se­hole Rock so no­body ex­pects Atiku and Yemi Os­in­bade to de­fine re­struc­tur­ing us­ing the same dic­tio­nary.

In Os­in­bade’s gram­mar, if re­struc­tur­ing means giv­ing more fed­eral money to prof­li­gate gov­er­nors, it won’t hap­pen. What is likely to hap­pen is a di­ver­si­fied econ­omy - pow­ered on char­coal and fire­wood of course. Un­der it, 100,000 soft­ware de­vel­op­ers are to be trained to trans­form a tooth­pick-im­port­ing na­tion into the In­ter­net hub of Africa! This must make Saminu Tu­raki green with envy. His dream of turn­ing every peb­ble in Dutse into a sil­i­con chip did not ma­te­ri­al­ize be­cause Dutse rocks are im­per­vi­ous to mir­a­cles. As an­nounced by the VP 100,000 soft­ware de­vel­op­ers are called, but only fifty are cho­sen to din­ner. Let’s hope they re­flect fed­eral char­ac­ter and do not re­al­ize that APC means all prom­ises can­celled.

Sai Baba is home and work­ing be­cause a gun can­not go off in Dal­las or a bomb in Me­d­ina, with­out a pres­i­den­tial word of con­dem­na­tion. It is good that Naija’s voice is heard ev­ery­where - ex­cept, maybe in Agat­u­land of Benue State where it mat­ters. But we al­ready know, with­out a shard of ev­i­dence that the killers are Libyans. Let us hope that be­fore the Agatu is wiped off the map, Sai Baba would make a trip to Tripoli and Beng­hazi.

If you lis­ten to wail­ers - on pa­per, Naija is a beau­ti­ful bride but in re­al­ity only the elites of pow­er­ful tribes are pre­served to rav­ish her. The rest of us are spec­ta­tors. In the eyes of the Avengers, a re­con­sti­tuted NNPC with­out names like Boy­loaf, Dokubo and Tom­polo has left much to be de­sired

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