Our ‘friend’ the most corrupt police
They say when it rains, it pours! It’s been pouring for this government and whenever it pisses on the government, it spills on the people. In spite of our welcome break from recession, Moodys Investor’s Service has downgraded eight powerful Naija banks. Then the international Police Science Agency, IPSA has lumped the Naija police with several others and dubbed them the most corrupt in the world. It’s a very sad pill to swallow, especially coming from a group founded by an Egyptian. Looks like this IPSA people are in cahoots with the National Bureau of Statistics, which in August rated the police, judges and customs as the three most corrupt without taking clearance from Sai Baba.
There has to be a new way of describing corruption. It should never be based on the collection of N20 at checkpoints. It is what happens when budgets ends up in the pockets of those sitting in offices. Those who challenge their rights to pay the toll with stubbornness still pay - with their lives.
The slogan in Naija is that the police ‘is’ your friend and only Farook Kperogi finds faults with that. The police are still friends even though they have an awkward way of demonstrating it. Only your friend meets you at a checkpoint and asks you wetin you carry; visits you and enquires wetin dey then demands wetin you bring when you visit them at the station. Anyhow you have a business with police, they urge you to drop something and those of us who know the meaning of accidental discharge obediently oblige. If that is not a mark of friendship, tell me what is. These rating groups should think again, our police ‘is’ still our friend.
The police have protected our nation well. A proof of that is Boko Haram, a badge of efficiency in guaranteeing our internal security. As they say in Naija, who corrupt-free police don epp? In America where the police is not corrupt, how do black kids fare? A corrupt-free police would kill the thrill of church testimonies. Services thrive when we hear stories of people mysteriously escaping the den of ritual killers as unlucky others are left to cruel fate waiting for rescue, while kidnappers hide in plain sight. Our police never leave high profile cases unsolved. The rest sometimes pay their way to freedom or wait for the efficacy of prayer-warrior relatives.
Looks to me that IPSA has been taking sinnator Misau too seriously in arriving at their conclusion. These people won’t stop heckling our hardworking Inspector General. When they’re not accusing him of taking fat kickbacks from oil companies and their executives, they’re trying to prevent him from romancing his officers. It’s as if the quality of a good IG is a vow of chastity. If we wanted a chaste IG, we would have hired Pope Francis.
As someone who understands his police very well, I don’t take negative ratings seriously. These haterrating agencies don’t know what’s good for them. If they had consulted with me for a small fee, I would have advised them to confer a title on the IG as the most improved IG ever. That way, both of us would have smiled to the bank and they would have thanked me with a bonus. See how they tried to make me miss a good party and reason to make good consultation fees. Nothing can stop the party anyway; we’re just waiting for the police baby to be born.
I have read some people trying to justify this unworthy rating. They remark that while in other climes, police officers wear body cameras; Naija policemen don’t even carry notebooks. Silly critics, they forget that Naija joins the global association of pencil manufacturers in 2018 and that once that feat is achieved pencils and notebooks would be added unto it. Other critics talk about the absence of forensic laboratories forgetting that our police sometimes hire vigilante or jujumen to solve crimes. I’ll rather they hire that Youtube famous Ugandan jujuman who sent bees to torment the man who stole his car instead of relying on GPS or forensic labs to recover his vehicle.
Those who want oyibostyle forensics to solve crimes should go next door to London’s Scotland Yard. London is Naija’s original state where even our president spends months solving hearing problems. Besides, who does not know that the best way to solve criminal cases is to shoot dead any witnesses? So, when they say that our police is the worst in the world, with whose are they comparing it? I’ll be more comfortable if these rating agencies come out with a finding that says that Naija society is the worst in the world, because it creates institutions that reflects its core values. But then, they are not as smart as I am and they are too stingy to take my expert advice, which doesn’t come cheap.