Our ‘friend’ the most cor­rupt po­lice

Daily Trust - - NEWS -

They say when it rains, it pours! It’s been pour­ing for this gov­ern­ment and when­ever it pisses on the gov­ern­ment, it spills on the peo­ple. In spite of our wel­come break from re­ces­sion, Moodys In­vestor’s Ser­vice has down­graded eight pow­er­ful Naija banks. Then the in­ter­na­tional Po­lice Sci­ence Agency, IPSA has lumped the Naija po­lice with sev­eral oth­ers and dubbed them the most cor­rupt in the world. It’s a very sad pill to swal­low, es­pe­cially com­ing from a group founded by an Egyp­tian. Looks like this IPSA peo­ple are in ca­hoots with the Na­tional Bureau of Statis­tics, which in Au­gust rated the po­lice, judges and cus­toms as the three most cor­rupt with­out tak­ing clear­ance from Sai Baba.

There has to be a new way of de­scrib­ing cor­rup­tion. It should never be based on the col­lec­tion of N20 at check­points. It is what hap­pens when bud­gets ends up in the pock­ets of those sit­ting in of­fices. Those who chal­lenge their rights to pay the toll with stub­born­ness still pay - with their lives.

The slo­gan in Naija is that the po­lice ‘is’ your friend and only Farook Kper­ogi finds faults with that. The po­lice are still friends even though they have an awk­ward way of demon­strat­ing it. Only your friend meets you at a check­point and asks you wetin you carry; vis­its you and en­quires wetin dey then de­mands wetin you bring when you visit them at the sta­tion. Any­how you have a busi­ness with po­lice, they urge you to drop some­thing and those of us who know the mean­ing of ac­ci­den­tal dis­charge obe­di­ently oblige. If that is not a mark of friend­ship, tell me what is. These rat­ing groups should think again, our po­lice ‘is’ still our friend.

The po­lice have pro­tected our na­tion well. A proof of that is Boko Haram, a badge of ef­fi­ciency in guar­an­tee­ing our in­ter­nal se­cu­rity. As they say in Naija, who cor­rupt-free po­lice don epp? In Amer­ica where the po­lice is not cor­rupt, how do black kids fare? A cor­rupt-free po­lice would kill the thrill of church tes­ti­monies. Ser­vices thrive when we hear sto­ries of peo­ple mys­te­ri­ously es­cap­ing the den of rit­ual killers as un­lucky oth­ers are left to cruel fate wait­ing for res­cue, while kid­nap­pers hide in plain sight. Our po­lice never leave high pro­file cases un­solved. The rest some­times pay their way to free­dom or wait for the ef­fi­cacy of prayer-war­rior rel­a­tives.

Looks to me that IPSA has been tak­ing sin­na­tor Misau too se­ri­ously in ar­riv­ing at their con­clu­sion. These peo­ple won’t stop heck­ling our hard­work­ing In­spec­tor Gen­eral. When they’re not ac­cus­ing him of tak­ing fat kick­backs from oil com­pa­nies and their ex­ec­u­tives, they’re try­ing to pre­vent him from ro­manc­ing his of­fi­cers. It’s as if the qual­ity of a good IG is a vow of chastity. If we wanted a chaste IG, we would have hired Pope Fran­cis.

As some­one who un­der­stands his po­lice very well, I don’t take neg­a­tive rat­ings se­ri­ously. These hater­rat­ing agen­cies don’t know what’s good for them. If they had con­sulted with me for a small fee, I would have ad­vised them to con­fer a ti­tle on the IG as the most im­proved IG ever. That way, both of us would have smiled to the bank and they would have thanked me with a bonus. See how they tried to make me miss a good party and rea­son to make good con­sul­ta­tion fees. Noth­ing can stop the party any­way; we’re just wait­ing for the po­lice baby to be born.

I have read some peo­ple try­ing to jus­tify this un­wor­thy rat­ing. They re­mark that while in other climes, po­lice of­fi­cers wear body cam­eras; Naija po­lice­men don’t even carry note­books. Silly crit­ics, they for­get that Naija joins the global as­so­ci­a­tion of pen­cil man­u­fac­tur­ers in 2018 and that once that feat is achieved pen­cils and note­books would be added unto it. Other crit­ics talk about the ab­sence of foren­sic lab­o­ra­to­ries for­get­ting that our po­lice some­times hire vig­i­lante or ju­ju­men to solve crimes. I’ll rather they hire that Youtube fa­mous Ugan­dan ju­ju­man who sent bees to tor­ment the man who stole his car in­stead of re­ly­ing on GPS or foren­sic labs to re­cover his ve­hi­cle.

Those who want oy­i­bostyle foren­sics to solve crimes should go next door to London’s Scot­land Yard. London is Naija’s orig­i­nal state where even our pres­i­dent spends months solv­ing hear­ing prob­lems. Be­sides, who does not know that the best way to solve crim­i­nal cases is to shoot dead any wit­nesses? So, when they say that our po­lice is the worst in the world, with whose are they com­par­ing it? I’ll be more com­fort­able if these rat­ing agen­cies come out with a find­ing that says that Naija so­ci­ety is the worst in the world, be­cause it cre­ates in­sti­tu­tions that re­flects its core val­ues. But then, they are not as smart as I am and they are too stingy to take my ex­pert ad­vice, which doesn’t come cheap.

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