BE­CAUSE I CARE

Let­ter writ­ing 101

Sunday Trust - - VIEWPOINT - El­nathanjohn.blogspot.com, Twit­ter: @el­nathan with El­nathan John ec­ceneljo@ya­hoo.com Ps. I just emailed you 2019 poster ideas. Let me know what you think. John will be back next week with a fresh piece

Dar­ling Buhari,

So I heard that your friend, the one who pre­tends to be every­body’s friend then throws a tantrum when things are not go­ing his way, has writ­ten you a pub­lic let­ter to show off his new PhD. All I can say is, may our en­e­mies never find our home ad­dress. I think he is jeal­ous that peo­ple love you so much, in a way that peo­ple did not love him. Peo­ple re­jected him when he wanted to im­pose him­self a third time on them. Now he wants to in­sult you. And dar­ling I have to add: a PhD does not con­fer in­tel­li­gence on a per­son. It just means you have read a lot about a lit­tle. You know what we can even do to him? Just to spite him when you win again in 2019, do a PhD while you are in of­fice. He can’t beat that.

And what is it that he even said in the let­ter? To open the let­ter, do you know he re­ferred to him­self in the third per­son? What kind of per­son writes about them­selves in the third per­son? Imag­ine I would write a sen­tence like this: “Dear Buhari, you might be won­der­ing why El­nathan is re­joic­ing over you ar­rang­ing to ar­rest your friend over an em­bar­rass­ing let­ter.” Only ar­ro­gant peo­ple do that. And I am not ar­ro­gant.

Any­way, he spoke a lot about lice and blood. I think he has a prob­lem with lice. He speaks from ex­pe­ri­ence. I ad­mire his courage though. Imag­ine a per­son who in­stalled the most in­ept, weak and corrupt gov­ern­ment writ­ing long let­ters to you. Maybe we should just do a cor­rup­tion probe that be­gins from 1999. A goga raini, as we say in Hausa.

He said that you should have a dig­ni­fied and honourable dis­mount from “the horse”. Me, I did know that you were on a horse. Be­cause since a horse flung me down and hurt me badly, I have been scared of horses. I am only say­ing that if he is right and you are in­deed on a horse, please take it easy. Horses are dan­ger­ous crea­tures. One mo­ment you think all is well and you mis­han­dle it and it tram­ples you to death. I would hate to lose you to this horse.

Peo­ple have ac­cused you of nepo­tism. If you were truly en­gaged in nepo­tism then you would have given your wife and chil­dren jobs in Aso Rock. After­all the leader of the most pow­er­ful na­tion on earth, Trump has given his chil­dren ap­point­ments and of­fices in the White House. So, re­ally this is noth­ing strange. Maybe you should just give Aisha and your older chil­dren ap­point­ments as Spe­cial Ad­vis­ers or Se­nior Spe­cial As­sis­tants. Just say you are em­u­lat­ing Trump and no one will com­plain. And speak­ing of your wife, what is go­ing on in the other room? Not that I am jeal­ous or any­thing, I just re­alise she didn’t take down the tweet she put up of peo­ple in­sult­ing your gov­ern­ment. She has be­come an op­po­si­tion mouth­piece. Kun yi fada ne? You know you can tell me. If your own wife is chal­leng­ing you, ak­wai mat­sala fa. But you know I will never chal­lenge you, dar­ling. Even if you never in­ves­ti­gate and probe things like Maina’s re­turn to the coun­try and re­in­state­ment which peo­ple say hap­pened un­der your watch. Your love is more im­por­tant to me than lit­tle things like that. Even if your for­mer Sec­re­tary never re­ally faces trial and it all goes to voice­mail like other cor­rup­tion cases, I will still love you. All I want is that from time to time you write me a let­ter. Not 13 pages like Obasanjo. Just a short thing to tell me what is on your mind and how you plan to carry on with gov­ern­ing the coun­try un­til our re-elec­tion in 2018.

You know what would be the per­fect thing to do? Just wait un­til the last mo­ment then shock every­body by not con­test­ing. Let them all come beg­ging you, cry­ing and pour­ing ash over their bod­ies in mourn­ing as we go off to Sey­chelles for a long va­ca­tion to­gether. Let peo­ple see what they will lose by you leav­ing. Be­cause like one fa­mous politi­cian said: there is no al­ter­na­tive to you in Nige­ria.

Pps. My weekly re­minder: Please think of the Shi­ite man who is still in prison, whose chil­dren and fol­low­ers we mas­sa­cred and buried in Kaduna. Do not let him die in your cus­tody. It is never too late to do the right thing. Es­pe­cially now as we en­ter 2018. Re­lease him, his wife and his peo­ple. Es­pe­cially as we flag off this 2019 cam­paign sea­son. We can even use it to score po­lit­i­cal points. I know you want to. Hugs.

Peo­ple have ac­cused you of nepo­tism. If you were truly en­gaged in nepo­tism then you would have given your wife and chil­dren jobs in Aso Rock. After­all the leader of the most pow­er­ful na­tion on earth, Trump has given his chil­dren ap­point­ments and of­fices in the White House. So, re­ally this is noth­ing strange

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