Mul­tilin­gual con­dem­na­tion

Sunday Trust - - VIEW POINT - El­, Twit­ter: @el­nathan with El­nathan John ec­ceneljo@ya­ El­nathan John.

Dear­est Buhari,

Iam sorry, re­ally sorry I didn’t write you last week. I missed you, es­pe­cially now that Boko Haram is dis­re­spect­ing you and not lis­ten­ing to your words of con­dem­na­tion. Any other per­son you con­demned and de­feated the way you ver­bally con­demned and de­feated them would have re­spected them­selves and gone into re­tire­ment. Why won’t they just lis­ten to your words and stop do­ing things like invading Rann, killing peo­ple and kid­nap­ping oth­ers? Is it be­cause we gave them money the last time for ran­som? Any­way, I look for­ward to you con­demn­ing the re­cent at­tack in Rann and the kid­nap of girls in Dapchi.

Peo­ple keep say­ing that there is some­thing sus­pi­cious about the with­drawal of troops just be­fore the girls in Dapchi were kid­napped. But were they there? Do they know how hard it is to keep troops in one place? If you ask me I think no one in the army needs to lose his or her job or be in­ves­ti­gated for this. But as we gather the money to pay Boko Haram for an­other ran­som, I think maybe you should is­sue your con­dem­na­tion in Hausa, Ful­fulde, Ka­nuri and Ara­bic, in­stead of in English. Maybe the real rea­son Boko Haram re­fuses to fol­low your dec­la­ra­tion about their de­feat is that they don’t re­ally un­der­stand English. Or maybe we can sug­gest that part of the ran­som money we keep pay­ing them must be in­vested in learn­ing English. Ah! But then they are Boko Haram and are against Western ed­u­ca­tion so that won’t work. So I guess we are stuck with the other lan­guages. Please give your speeches in these lan­guages and let us see if they will stay de­feated es­pe­cially as we try to cam­paign for 2019.

Have you thought of a new wardrobe for the cam­paign trail? Me I think you should stick with the white caf­tan and bab­ban riga. Also, I think you should try get­ting a few clothes from the south so that at least peo­ple in the south will think you care about them a lit­tle. Ap­pear­ance is all that mat­ters. Even for the 5%. We also need some be­spoke suits. If you are wor­ried about not wear­ing a cap we can just cre­ate a per­sonal style for you, kind of like the for­mer Afghan pres­i­dent, who wore a suit and caps. It might fit you.

So now that the for­mer NIA boss has ac­cused your close friends of de­mand­ing bribes and money in your name, what is go­ing to hap­pen to peo­ple like Kyari? Me I think you should just be quiet about it. Peo­ple for­get eas­ily in Nige­ria. Plus you need them all for the elec­tions. There are things you can­not do and peo­ple you can’t ne­go­ti­ate with or ac­cept con­tri­bu­tions from be­cause you know, all that in­tegrity you have. There is Big Brother go­ing on now and also it is foot­ball sea­son so that is good. Plenty for peo­ple to talk about. Let us just hope that noth­ing hap­pens to DSTV. Be­cause imag­ine that some­thing hap­pens and they go down for like a month. Sud­denly peo­ple will be able to fo­cus on gov­er­nance with­out be­ing dis­tracted. We don’t want that. We want more re­al­ity shows, more foot­ball, more Face­Book and more Twit­ter. We want more re­al­ity shows, more foot­ball, more Face­Book and more Twit­ter. That way you can fo­cus on gov­er­nance and you can take your time draft­ing speeches of

con­dem­na­tion That way you can fo­cus on gov­er­nance and you can take your time draft­ing speeches of con­dem­na­tion.

And about the re­cent at­tack on Rann, those Boko Haram peo­ple are so heart­less. Af­ter your Air Force killed hun­dreds of civil­ians by mis­take there, they still went to at­tack the place. Oh I am not try­ing to crit­i­cise you my dear, no­body is above mak­ing mis­takes. But Boko Haram is not mak­ing mis­takes. They choose to at­tack a place you at­tacked by mis­take. Ter­ri­ble peo­ple. I think we need to hurry with that con­dem­na­tion. I can help you draft the one in Hausa. You know I can’t speak Ka­nuri and Ful­fulde. So maybe we get some oth­ers to do that. They need to know you are not happy about it.

Oh, and can I just say I loved your jokes at the meeting with the gover­nors the other day. Es­pe­cially how you joked with the Benue State gov­er­nor af­ter all the peo­ple who have died in the cri­sis there. Some­times we need jokes that don’t care about death or sen­si­tiv­ity. I think that “how are your cat­tle rear­ers?” joke was amaz­ing. It made him for­get all the at­tacked vil­lages and dead peo­ple I am sure. Like Femi Adesina said, you are so so funny!

Ps. My weekly re­minder: Please think of the Shi­ite man who is still in prison, whose chil­dren and fol­low­ers we mas­sa­cred and buried in Kaduna. It is never too late to do the right thing. It is 2018. We need good karma for our 2019 re-elec­tion. Re­lease him, his wife and his peo­ple. Or con­duct a fair and open trial. Then we can even use it to score po­lit­i­cal points. Hugs.

Yours un­til 2023 and for­ever

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