Telling a se­cret when re­la­tion­ships go wrong

Weekly Trust - - Lifextra - Amina Al­has­san

Most times, friends con­fide in us in their mo­ments of de­spair, but what do we do with such se­crets when we fall out with them? Do we turn around and be­tray the trust sim­ply be­cause we feel hurt or want to hurt them? Is it right to use a se­cret told you in con­fi­dence against some­one? What hap­pened to the virtues of in­tegrity and loy­alty?

Ifey­inwa Nwafor, 39-year-old teacher, says, “We all pass through that once in a while but some­how God gives us the strength to pull through. It hap­pens and at the end of the day, we end up ask­ing our­selves why we in­vested con­fi­dence in them. It can be very frus­trat­ing when it in­volves in­ti­mate part­ners and think­ing they will al­ways have your back at all times. Com­ing out from a sim­i­lar sit­u­a­tion, I would say God al­ways has the fi­nal say. Man may scheme and plan but God will al­ways pro­vide a way of tri­umph for you.”

It tells a lot more about your per­son, than the per­son you are up against. The peo­ple who push such peo­ple on dur­ing the fra­cas know bet­ter than to con­fide in such spite­ful peo­ple when the rub­ber hits the road. Sud­denly, they re­mem­ber how you rub­bished and hu­mil­i­ated oth­ers in the past and so they re­frain from arm­ing you with sen­si­tive in­for­ma­tion about them­selves, lest they get stung by your un­bri­dled in­sults, ve­he­mence and be­trayal.

Mariam Ab­dul­fa­tai, 40-yearold civil ser­vant, be­lieves peo­ple who spill all be­cause they are not in good terms with the per­son are not wor­thy of be­ing given a sec­ond chance in the re­la­tion­ship. “Peo­ple for­get that such ac­tions close any door or win­dow for pos­si­ble rec­on­cil­i­a­tion. When the vic­tims of your ma­li­cious ac­tion refuse to have any­thing to do with you, they are termed bit­ter and un­for­giv­ing. But I think it all boils down to wis­dom. I don’t see the of­fended as be­ing bit­ter and un­for­giv­ing but some­one who has de­cided to take pro­tec­tive mea­sures af­ter get­ting one’s fin­gers burnt due to vul­ner­a­bil­ity and too much trust in the sup­posed friend. I also be­lieve that any­one who takes plea­sure in this kind of dis­loy­alty and wicked­ness will surely be paid back in their own coin. They will meet their water­loo and get served the same treat­ment.”

Oluwa­fun­sho Ba­batunde 43-year-old sur­veyor, says “Well, any­time you con­fide in an­other, we should know that such a per­son even with the best of in­ten­tions is hu­man and can di­vulge in­for­ma­tion at any­time. Most times, when I tell peo­ple things in se­cret and they spill it, I don’t blame them but my­self. I have learnt not to con­fide in hu­man be­ings. Don’t we even hear priests dur­ing Sun­day ser­mon di­vulging in­for­ma­tion re­lat­ing to their mem­bers? I’m not against loy­alty. But I’m con­scious of the scrip­ture which says ‘woe unto them who put their con­fi­dence in man’.”

Umma Adamu, 40-year-old health prac­ti­tioner, says, “Any se­cret I share, I do have it at the back of my mind that it could leak. It can only de­lay but it will even­tu­ally leak. I would not be sur­prised if it does so my ad­vice is for one to go on with life. As­sume that the se­cret will leak at some point even be­fore con­fid­ing in that per­son so you will not be shocked when it even­tu­ally hap­pens. If you can’t bear for it to leak, then keep your se­cret to your­self.

“How­ever, let us do unto oth­ers as we would like them to do unto us. We can all im­prove on our ca­pac­ity to keep con­fi­den­tial in­for­ma­tion in the in­ter­est of the trust re­posed in us. Our word should be our bond. My mum al­ways says “any­thing you don’t want out shouldn’t leave your lips. If you can’t do your­self the favour of keep­ing your own se­cret why do you ex­pect any­one to keep

it for you? How­ever, no man is an is­land and we some­times need to share our bur­dens with some­one we think we can trust. Whether they spill or not, that’s their cup of tea.”

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