GEOSTORM

Un­be­liev­ably ridicu­lous dis­as­ter film

Cebu Daily News - - FRONT PAGE - by Jeff Ruf­folo

We’ll need it. Now, let’s all com­mu­nally close our eyes. Go ahead. Now breathe and let your mind drift away. It’s the only way you can ra­tio­nally accept spend­ing your time and hard earned pe­sos watch­ing, with­out ques­tion, the stu­pid­est movie of this year or any other. The film is called “Geostorm” and it is a di­rect rip off of a much bet­ter “Mother Na­ture goes crazy” film of 2004 en­ti­tled “The Day Af­ter To­mor­row.” In that film, “man made” global warm­ing has not only melted the po­lar ice caps but also sent the en­vi­ron­ment hay­wire, caus­ing a mas­sive shift in the Earth’s axis and all of the North­ern Hemi­sphere to turn into a frozen waste­land. Okay. “The Day Af­ter To­mor­row” was writ­ten for the screen and di­rected by Roland Em­merich-half of the film duo of Em­merich and his for­mer part­ner Dean Devlin who brought aliens to Earth in the now modern sci-fi clas­sic “In­de­pen­dence Day” sev­eral decades ago.

Devlin has bro­ken away from his part­ner and brings us his night­mare ver­sion of a “mad as a hen Mother Na­ture” in “Geostorm” and it is a pale com­par­i­son to what his one-time col­lab­o­ra­tor Mr. Em­merich man­aged to cre­ate.

Now you have to again con­tinue to breathe. In and out. That’s it. Be­cause oth­er­wise you will be in a dark cor­ner of the the­ater laugh­ing hys­ter­i­cally be­fore men in white coats come to take you away to a happy place with a padded cell. This movie makes no sense at all! You have to breathe deeply and hold back the never end­ing laugh­ter when you see a mas­sive space sta­tion hov­er­ing over North

Amer­ica with—please stop gig­gling—US space shut­tles whizzing back and forth on the screen. ARE YOU KID­DING? Did Mr. Devlin hap­pen to be asleep for the past 20 years and re­al­ize how much time and money it cost to build the In­ter­na­tional Space Sta­tion? Doesn’t he know that all of NASA’s space shut­tles have been moth­balled and are gath­er­ing dust in mu­se­ums across Amer­ica? The id­i­otic premise of this al­ter­na­tive re­al­ity film pre­sumes that Amer­i­cans can ego­tis­ti­cally con­trol the Earth’s weather with pon­tif­i­ca­tions from the White House by Andy Gar­cia (“The God­fa­ther Part III”) as the Amer­i­can Pres­i­dent who says so. Here’s the of­fi­cial syn­op­sis: “Af­ter an un­prece­dented se­ries of nat­u­ral dis­as­ters threat­ened the planet, the world’s lead­ers came to­gether to cre­ate an in­tri­cate net­work of satel­lites to con­trol the global cli­mate and keep ev­ery­one safe. But now, some­thing has gone wrong: the sys­tem built to pro­tect Earth is at­tack­ing it, and it be­comes a race against the clock to un­cover the real threat be­fore a world­wide geostorm wipes out ev­ery­thing and ev­ery­one along with it”.

Jumbo jet air­craft in­stantly freeze in midair and fall from the sky as 300 ft. tall walls of wa­ter en­gulf one city af­ter another, while beach go­ers at Waikiki Beach in Hon­olulu are flashed frozen in walls of ice.

This is the ex­actly same premise as “The Day Af­ter To­mor­row” but with cheaper spe­cial ef­fects from 13 years ago.

Not only that. We have a back story about our hero as Ger­ald But­ler (“Lon­don Must Fall”) says his good­byes to his eight-year-old daugh­ter be­fore she and ev­ery­one else are pul­ver­ized by fly­ing de­bris. In the blink of an eye, But­ler is trans­ported to a sta­tion­ary space sta­tion that – TA DA – some­how has per­fect Earth-like grav­ity.

Oh, wait! It gets even bet­ter when an Earth-bound sci­en­tist con­vinces a US Se­cret Ser­vice agent to kid­nap the Amer­i­can Pres­i­dent (who is the only per­son who has the “kill codes” to dis­able the or­bit­ing space sta­tion) and speed away in a rent-a-car to save the world from greedy politi­cians who are the cause of mil­lions of need­less deaths.

Build­ings col­lapse, na­tions fall and ... well you get the idea. Of course, But­ler saves the day—blows up the space sta­tion and finds the only means of “safe” trans­porta­tion back down to terra firma. All is well once again ... Oh, my good­ness! Please stay far away from “Geostorm” and if you want to see our beau­ti­ful blue lit­tle world get truly crushed, rent “The Day Af­ter To­mor­row” which was pre­sented by a mas­ter of his craft. Not this gaw aw­ful re­tread … Pre­sented by an am­a­teur. Ques­tions, com­ments or travel sug­ges­tions, write me at read­in­gruffo­los@gmail.com

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