Be­yond the hol­i­days

Cosmopolitan (Philippines) - - You, You, You -

If you’ve suc­cess­fully nav­i­gated the hol­i­days, con­grats! If not, don’t worry. Es­tab­lish­ing an adult re­la­tion­ship with your par­ents re­quires pa­tience, per­sis­tence, and fol­low­ing th­ese tips.

1 Cut the fi­nan­cial cord

Re­ly­ing on the first parental bank for money “puts your par­ents in a power po­si­tion and keeps you per­pet­u­ally a child,” says Tay­lor. “Be­com­ing fi­nan­cially in­de­pen­dent will make you feel more pow­er­ful in the re­la­tion­ship.” That means, stop rou­tinely tak­ing money from your par­ents. A loan when your car ex­plodes is one thing; your life cost­ing more than you earn and your par­ents making up the dif­fer­ence is an­other. The so­lu­tion isn’t their money—it’s get­ting your fi­nances in or­der.

2 Es­tab­lish bound­aries

Think of this as a Venn di­a­gram. One cir­cle lists the things your fam­ily expects (daily phone calls, veto power over boyfriends); the other has the things you are happy to do (weekly phone calls and min­i­mal de­tails about your love life). Be­hav­iors that please them but won’t make you in­sane are in the over­lap. Teresa tries to set lim­its up­front. “When my mom calls, I say, ‘Great to hear from you! I’m go­ing to the gym in 20 min­utes, but I’d love to talk un­til then,’” she says. Your bound­aries may dis­ap­point your fam­ily—but the only way to avoid that is to do ev­ery­thing they ever ask. Not pos­si­ble.

3 Have them at your place

Host­ing your rel­a­tives at your house, even just for an af­ter­noon, shows them that, yes, you have fur­ni­ture and, no, you don’t sub­sist solely on break­fast ce­real. Be sen­si­ble about what you’re offering to host. Christ­mas din­ner might be tough but hav­ing ev­ery­one over for cake and cham­pagne to cel­e­brate a birth­day could be great. “Host­ing my fam­ily at my apart­ment made them see that I’m an adult do­ing my own thing in my own city,” says Eileen*, 23. “I felt a shift in how my par­ents were treat­ing me im­me­di­ately.”

4 Learn to make some de­ci­sions on your own

“If you’re call­ing your mom four times a day to ask mun­dane ques­tions, you need to stop,” Tay­lor says. There’s no time like the present to re­al­ize that the earth will not spin out of or­bit if you don’t get your mom’s take on fab­ric soft­ener. It’s okay to ask for ad­vice about big life de­ci­sions, says Tay­lor—but your par­ents shouldn’t be the only source in your world. You can and should turn to your friends: de­vel­op­ing a cir­cle of peo­ple whose ad­vice you trust be­yond just your par­ents’ is key to feel­ing like an in­de­pen­dent adult.

5 Ac­cept that, to an ex­tent, your par­ents will al­ways see you as a kid

Be­cause they will. And the best thing you can do is be gra­cious about it. “You have to be gen­tle with your par­ents— be­cause they de­serve it,” Teresa says. “Af­ter all, they were gen­tle with you when you were a scream­ing two-year-old...”

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from Philippines

© PressReader. All rights reserved.