em­brace the bore-gasm

Sliding into his-and-hers sweat­pants to­gether could be ex­actly what your re­la­tion­ship needs. Here’s why you should date some­one you can be bor­ing with. .

Cosmopolitan (Philippines) - - Love, Lust & Other Stuff -

What’s the bet that right now, you’re go­ing ‘Whaaat?’

It’s the ob­vi­ous re­sponse. First as break-up deal­break­ers go, bore­dom comes up tops—higher, even, than cheating. Sec­ond, you’re bound to know at least one Be­yond Bor­ing Couple who make even air­port de­lays seem ex­cit­ing. And third, ‘be­ing bor­ing’ has had such bad press that it makes cut­ting your toe­nails in bed look sexy. Still, hear us out.

How of­ten are you told to ‘be your­self’ in a re­la­tion­ship? There’s noth­ing wrong with that: take be­ing a uni­corn out of the game and of all the things you could be, ‘your­self’ wins ev­ery time. But what does that really mean? In re­la­tion­ships, it ac­tu­ally be­comes ‘be your best self.’ Show your funny, smart, pop­u­lar, cul­tured, on­line-savvy, the-pulse-of-cool side. Be in­tense. Be dra­matic. Be pas­sion­ate. In other words, bring your rock-star self. Per­form. Im­press. Be ‘on’ 24/7.

Yet in­creas­ingly, psy­chol­o­gists are say­ing that

last­ing con­nec­tions rely on deeper things: less of do­ing and more of plain be­ing. Be­ing vul­ner­a­ble. Be­ing still. Be­ing, well, bor­ing. ‘Be­ing bor­ing to­gether is one of the early mark­ers of an en­dur­ing re­la­tion­ship,’ says reg­is­tered psy­chol­o­gist Janne Dan­nerup of jmdpsych.com. But be­ing with some­one you can be bor­ing with shouldn’t be con­fused with be­ing with some­one who makes you bor­ing, she says. ‘All re­la­tion­ships need ex­cit­ing shared ac­tiv­i­ties to thrive.’ So when it comes to a part­ner who makes you bor­ing, get out or change the dy­namic ASAP, she says.

it’s a heads up

twenty-three-year-old Drama stu­dent Mishka, who has just emerged from a ‘mind-numb­ing and so­cially-sui­ci­dal’ two-year re­la­tion­ship with Gab, wishes she’d lis­tened to. ‘Over time, I shrank my­self, my in­ter­ests, my friend­ship group, my cu­rios­ity, my ev­ery­thing,’ she says. ‘He was reclu­sive and jeal­ous. Three months in, when I was mov­ing into his place, my friends sat me down and told me I was get­ting really bor­ing and giv­ing up my life. They were right. But it hap­pened so slowly that I didn’t see it.’

It’s a fa­mil­iar pat­tern, and its price is steep. ‘If you find your­self be­com­ing bor­ing with some­one, you might have to ei­ther dis­card that re­la­tion­ship or bal­ance it by in­tro­duc­ing new friends and ac­tiv­i­ties into your life,’ says Dan­nerup. ‘If you spend all your time do­ing noth­ing with your part­ner, life can be­come mean­ing­less.’

Be­ing on the go to­gether all time is not the an­swer ei­ther. ‘With a life part­ner, you need to be able to enjoy do­ing noth­ing and be­ing alone to­gether,’ Dan­nerup says.

could reg­u­lar sweat­pants-and­series ses­sions

really be key to re­la­tion­ship sus­tain­abil­ity? Twen­ty­nine-year-old Bing, a self-con­fessed ‘ex­pert’ in short-lived ro­mance, needs no con­vinc­ing. ‘Be­tween the ages of 21 and 26 I must have had around 15 re­la­tion­ships,’ says the copy­writer. ‘I’m talk­ing “I-love-yous” and meet­ing par­ents, not just flings.’ So what kept go­ing wrong? ‘I thought guys were with me be­cause I’m the cool con­nected chick who is up on all the buzz. I couldn’t ever drop it—and it was ex­haust­ing. For me and my boyfriends. I couldn’t imag­ine any­one want­ing to hang out with the slightly nerdy me who wears glasses while watch­ing TV. I wasn’t brave enough to in­tro­duce them to her.’

It takes balls to be bor­ing with some­one you’re fall­ing in love with. ‘To en­sure that you can be idle with your part­ner, you have to be emo­tion­ally brave,’ says Dan­nerup. ‘Show your­self as you are when you’re alone from early on. You ei­ther gain a se­cure and healthy re­la­tion­ship, or dis­cover ir­rec­on­cil­able dif­fer­ences and save your­self and the other per­son from dis­ap­point­ments, toxic in­ter­ac­tions, and heartache.’

With her first an­niver­sary with Waldo com­ing up, Bing agrees. ‘He was a friend of a house­mate and I never thought he was re­motely in­ter­ested in me. I think that’s why I didn’t care if I came across as bor­ing,’ she says. ‘I was curled up on the couch with the flu the first time we met. By the time we got to­gether, he knew how I ob­sess about do­ing the dishes and a hun­dred other lit­tle things I’d never shown any­one I was dat­ing. He’d seen me styling and groov­ing plenty of times too but he says he fell for me when I was making a birth­day card for my grand­mother’s 80th. It took me four hours and it was su­per cheesy.’

there’s no es­cap­ing the fact

that ac­tiv­i­ties such as making a birth­day card (or tidy­ing up a closet or wa­ter­ing the plants or vegging out in front of Our per­fect wed­ding) are far from riv­et­ing. They’re no match for hit­ting the dance floor at the new­est nightspots, catching the cream of in­die cin­ema at the next film fes­ti­val, or hold­ing the floor with your hi­lar­i­ous take on In­ter­net-break­ing memes. Equally though, they’re an in­escapable part of real-world, dayto-day liv­ing. ‘Dare to think that if you new love is the right per­son for you, they’ll love to be with you when you’re just be­ing your sim­plest self,’ says Dan­nerup. Be­cause to ex­clude the ‘bor­ing’ from re­la­tion­ships is also to ex­clude real in­ti­macy and real con­nec­tion—and they’re one ex­cit­ing ad­ven­ture.

‘To make sure you can be idle with your part­ner, you have to be emo­tion­ally

brave.’

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