I have a friend—

Cosmopolitan (Philippines) - - Love, Lust Other Stuff Love, Lust & Other Stuff -

I’ll call her Claire—who can en­ter a room and ef­fort­lessly have all the dudes there eat­ing out of her hand. On three oc­ca­sions, three sep­a­rate male friends con­tacted me within 24 hours of meet­ing her to ask if she was sin­gle. Thing is, Claire isn’t a Gigi Ha­did look-alike or a bomb­shell with a per­mablowout. She’s down-to-earth and adorable. She wears read­ing glasses, peas­ant dresses, and an open smile. A text­book sex­pot she is not, yet ev­ery­one wants to bask in her pres­ence.

We all know it when we see it—that in­ef­fa­ble qual­ity that seems to set­tle, fairy-dust-like, on cer­tain peo­ple wher­ever they go. “It’s a gen­uine sex­i­ness, not just ‘I’m try­ing to look like that hot girl on In­sta­gram,” says Sari Cooper, a sex ther­a­pist in New York City. (She calls it sex es­teem.) And as more flirt­ing takes place within Tin­der’s mes­sag­ing sys­tem, face-to-face mag­netism has be­come more rare. “We’ve be­come lazy and for­got­ten that charisma is still essen­tial in dat­ing,” says Matthew Hussey, the dat­ing coach be­hind How­to­get­theguy.com and a Cosmo colum­nist. What works on­line—quick and snarky hu­mor—doesn’t al­ways work

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