Women need to start team­ing up, build sup­port­ive friend­ships, and stop see­ing one an­other as com­pe­ti­tion.

Cosmopolitan (Philippines) - - Fun, Fearless Life -

So What’s Re­ally Tick­ing The Haters Off?

“That’s the thing. No­body re­ally knows the mo­ti­va­tion [be­hind the neg­a­tive com­ments],” ex­plains Retty Con­tr­eras, Cosmo.ph’s as­sis­tant beauty editor. “But I do feel that it has some­thing to do with jeal­ousy.”

Per­son­ally, I’ve been lucky. In the three years that I’ve been beauty blog­ging, my read­ers have been ex­tremely kind to me and I can only re­mem­ber one com­ment about my hair look­ing “dugyot” when I ex­per­i­mented with lighter high­lights (she had a point, TBH). As much as I’d like to say it didn’t af­fect me, it did make me think twice about go­ing for a lighter hair color years later (FYI, I still went for it). But what about the women who don’t work on­line and are au­gust 2016 vul­ner­a­ble to vis­cious and very per­sonal at­tacks like “get a nose job,” “ang pan­git mo na­man,” or “brush your teeth—they look yel­low” sim­ply be­cause they have a public In­sta­gram ac­count? Why are they be­ing shamed, too? “The pri­mary [shame] trig­ger for women, in terms of its power and uni­ver­sal­ity, is how we look,” ex­plains Dr. Brené Brown in Dar­ing Greatly. Ba­si­cally, when Chica #1 launches a shame at­tack on Chica #2’s ap­pear­ance, Brown’s re­search shows us that she may be try­ing to get Chica #2 to think she’s “not good enough” or pose the ques­tion “who do you think you are?” In lay­man’s terms, she’stry­ing to take Chica #2 down a notch.

Stop The Shame Spi­ral

Self-aware­ness and hon­esty are key here. Women need to start team­ing up, build sup­port­ive friend­ships, and ba­si­cally stop see­ing one an­other as com­pe­ti­tion. Like it or not, #self­ies and #ootds have be­come part of our so­cial iden­tity. So if some­one’s feed makes you feel bad be­cause of #FOMO, stop scrolling and hit the Un­fol­low but­ton. There’s re­ally no shame in that. An­other op­tion? Have the courage to do what it takes (read: werq) to live the life you want. It may seem sim­plis­tic, but I be­lieve that you can trans­form that en­ergy into some­thing that mo­ti­vates you. So rather than com­ment­ing, “how to be you” or “so jeal­ous,” aim to in­spire your­self by post­ing “goals” or “yassss” in­stead.

And hey, one last thing— if you hap­pen to see a neg­a­tive com­ment that’s way out of line, you could al­ways speak up for your fel­low woman by telling the key­board as­sas­sin that what she’s do­ing isn’t cool. Just don’t take it to heart if she replies with an­other cut­ting re­mark. “Don’t try to win over the haters; you are not a jack­ass whis­perer,” says Brown.

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