COSMO CON­TRACT

This is an agree­ment made by A Woman Try­ing to Be En­vi­ron­men­tally Re­spon­si­ble (here­after re­ferred to as The Con­vert).

Cosmopolitan (Philippines) - - Contents -

What it’s re­ally like to try—and mas­ter—us­ing a men­strual cup.

1. The Tes­ti­mony

The Con­vert’s pro­gres­sive, fem­i­nist, pe­riod pos­i­tive friend will ex­tol the virtues of the men­strual cup. She will lis­ten to said friend talk about how it’s even bet­ter than tam­pons. Af­ter a few months, The Con­vert will agree to try the cup—even if she is gen­er­ally un­com­fort­able in­sert­ing any­thing into her vagina—be­cause san­i­tary nap­kins take 500 to 800 years to de­com­pose.

2. The strug­gle

The Con­vert will apol­o­gize to her lady parts in ad­vance and play a com­fort­ing Dis­ney song in her head as she crams the cup into her vagina. She will be sur­prised as it goes all the way in, in­clud­ing the stem which is sup­posed to be trimmed. She will feel even more per­plexed when, while pee­ing, the cup de­scends so that the stem sticks all the way out of her vagina. She will be ut­terly hor­ri­fied when she pulls the cup out and ac­ci­den­tally drops it in the toi­let. And she’ll never think of that Dis­ney song the same way again.

3. moral sup­port

The Con­vert will thank her lucky stars that her friend is will­ing to en­ter­tain all her ques­tions and (fig­u­ra­tively) hold her hand through­out her whole cy­cle. She will re­as­sure her that the learn­ing curve is a bitch, and give her tips like twist­ing the stem un­til she feels the cup “pop,” and run­ning her fin­ger around the cup to make sure it’s open. The same blessed friend will check in on The Con­vert from time to time.

4. lady mac­beth

The Con­vert’s first day us­ing her men­strual cup in the of­fice will, un­for­tu­nately, co­in­cide with her heav­i­est day. She will wait for ev­ery­one to leave the bath­room be­fore she scram­bles out of the stall and tries to re­move all traces of blood from her hands be­fore any­one en­ters. She now com­pletely gets why Do­dai Ste­wart of Jezebel calls this a “Lady mac­beth mo­ment.”

5. prac­tice makes per­fect

The Con­vert will ex­pe­ri­ence a sense of tri­umph when she fi­nally gets the hang of in­sert­ing her cup so she for­gets it’s even there. She loves that she can no longer feel her pe­riod at all, and the idea of us­ing nap­kins will seem messy and both­er­some. She can leave her cup in for up to 12 hours, and there’s no smell when she takes it out. She will have a new sense of fa­mil­iar­ity with her body, and look for­ward to see­ing how much is in her cup when she emp­ties it. The sight of her blood, rather than gross­ing her out, will feel like some­thing per­fectly nat­u­ral.

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