This is an agreement made by A Woman Trying to Be Environmentally Responsible (hereafter referred to as The Convert).
What it’s really like to try—and master—using a menstrual cup.
1. The Testimony
The Convert’s progressive, feminist, period positive friend will extol the virtues of the menstrual cup. She will listen to said friend talk about how it’s even better than tampons. After a few months, The Convert will agree to try the cup—even if she is generally uncomfortable inserting anything into her vagina—because sanitary napkins take 500 to 800 years to decompose.
2. The struggle
The Convert will apologize to her lady parts in advance and play a comforting Disney song in her head as she crams the cup into her vagina. She will be surprised as it goes all the way in, including the stem which is supposed to be trimmed. She will feel even more perplexed when, while peeing, the cup descends so that the stem sticks all the way out of her vagina. She will be utterly horrified when she pulls the cup out and accidentally drops it in the toilet. And she’ll never think of that Disney song the same way again.
3. moral support
The Convert will thank her lucky stars that her friend is willing to entertain all her questions and (figuratively) hold her hand throughout her whole cycle. She will reassure her that the learning curve is a bitch, and give her tips like twisting the stem until she feels the cup “pop,” and running her finger around the cup to make sure it’s open. The same blessed friend will check in on The Convert from time to time.
4. lady macbeth
The Convert’s first day using her menstrual cup in the office will, unfortunately, coincide with her heaviest day. She will wait for everyone to leave the bathroom before she scrambles out of the stall and tries to remove all traces of blood from her hands before anyone enters. She now completely gets why Dodai Stewart of Jezebel calls this a “Lady macbeth moment.”
5. practice makes perfect
The Convert will experience a sense of triumph when she finally gets the hang of inserting her cup so she forgets it’s even there. She loves that she can no longer feel her period at all, and the idea of using napkins will seem messy and bothersome. She can leave her cup in for up to 12 hours, and there’s no smell when she takes it out. She will have a new sense of familiarity with her body, and look forward to seeing how much is in her cup when she empties it. The sight of her blood, rather than grossing her out, will feel like something perfectly natural.