FROM PREMATURE EJACULATION TO YOUR WIFE’S SEX DREAMS, STACEY WOODS ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS.
Stacey Woods answers your questions.
I love sex with my girlfriend, but I can only orgasm if I, uh, take care of things on my own. Is there a way to train myself to finish during sex?
You should already be trained in that. Coming during sex is the method we’ve been teaching forever. I don’t know how you could have missed it.
Unless your girlfriend’s vagina has undergone significant structural changes far beyond what we experts call “all stretched out,” it should be plenty good for coming into. The fact that you do not find it so leads me to wonder if perhaps monsieur would prefer something different. You are most likely, among other things, what’s known as an idiosyncratic masturbator; no doubt you remember seeing it on your report cards. An IM is someone who’s grown accustomed to a degree of force or friction not achievable in a classic vagina and must be teased out in some other way, possibly with a violin bow. If that is the case, a few rounds of therapy, possibly with toys, might help you find what Stanley E. Althof, professor emeritus of psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, calls “a more vagina-like way of masturbating.” (I’ll be using that as a campaign slogan, so nobody take it, please.) You could also treat yourself to a “Fleshlight,” the season’s hottest tube-shaped penetrable, which comes in a variety of entrance-hole shapes, including ass, though I don’t think your girlfriend would welcome the inclusion of what you consider a more fitting device any more than you would want some python-girthed intruder finishing up for you. (Unless you do.) Which brings us to the question. “The question,” says Althof, “is ‘What is he ejaculating to?’. . . Could it be a homoerotic fantasy?” I’m going to stop him right there. I’m not implying that you are, and if something seems implied, please remember before you write in that it was that guy who said it, but really, I must tell you: There has never been a better time to be gay. Your gayness, if revealed now, would most likely be met by a big cheer, probably a parade, and maybe even a government grant. So if there’s any chance that’s what’s going on, don’t waste any more time dicking around with loose women. Get yourself something that fits.
My wife has sex dreams about me almost every night but only wants to actually have sex once a week. What gives?
Your wife, apparently. By my calculations (which are not good), Dream You gets more than six times as much as You You. And we have no idea what he’s capable of, or who or what he’s bringing along.
Do this: Ask your wife to describe these encounters in intricate detail. Who is this guy? What’s he like? Does he use special lighting or props? Does he wear cowboy boots? Is he like you at all? Remind her that he can’t just be some faceless specter behind the parade of dicks she confronts in her dreams each night. Get as good a sense of this six-times-a-weeker as you can— even go into her dreams if necessary. (There are instructions for doing this in the movie Inception, I think, around hour three.) Then simply remake yourself into her ideal version of you, which you should really be doing anyway. Work hard, stay firm, and give it everything you’ve got on your night. I’m sure after a while you can cover some of his shifts.