Esquire (Philippines) - - CON­TENTS - Got a sex ques­tion of your own? E-mail it to us at sex@es­

Stacey Woods an­swers your ques­tions.

I love sex with my girl­friend, but I can only or­gasm if I, uh, take care of things on my own. Is there a way to train my­self to fin­ish dur­ing sex?

You should al­ready be trained in that. Com­ing dur­ing sex is the method we’ve been teach­ing for­ever. I don’t know how you could have missed it.

Un­less your girl­friend’s vagina has un­der­gone sig­nif­i­cant struc­tural changes far beyond what we ex­perts call “all stretched out,” it should be plenty good for com­ing into. The fact that you do not find it so leads me to won­der if per­haps mon­sieur would pre­fer some­thing dif­fer­ent. You are most likely, among other things, what’s known as an idio­syn­cratic mas­tur­ba­tor; no doubt you re­mem­ber see­ing it on your re­port cards. An IM is some­one who’s grown ac­cus­tomed to a de­gree of force or fric­tion not achiev­able in a clas­sic vagina and must be teased out in some other way, pos­si­bly with a vi­o­lin bow. If that is the case, a few rounds of ther­apy, pos­si­bly with toys, might help you find what Stan­ley E. Althof, pro­fes­sor emer­i­tus of psy­chi­a­try at Case West­ern Re­serve Univer­sity School of Medicine, calls “a more vagina-like way of mas­tur­bat­ing.” (I’ll be us­ing that as a cam­paign slo­gan, so no­body take it, please.) You could also treat your­self to a “Flesh­light,” the sea­son’s hottest tube-shaped pen­e­tra­ble, which comes in a va­ri­ety of en­trance-hole shapes, in­clud­ing ass, though I don’t think your girl­friend would wel­come the in­clu­sion of what you con­sider a more fit­ting de­vice any more than you would want some python-girthed in­truder fin­ish­ing up for you. (Un­less you do.) Which brings us to the ques­tion. “The ques­tion,” says Althof, “is ‘What is he ejac­u­lat­ing to?’. . . Could it be a ho­mo­erotic fan­tasy?” I’m go­ing to stop him right there. I’m not im­ply­ing that you are, and if some­thing seems im­plied, please re­mem­ber be­fore you write in that it was that guy who said it, but really, I must tell you: There has never been a bet­ter time to be gay. Your gay­ness, if re­vealed now, would most likely be met by a big cheer, prob­a­bly a pa­rade, and maybe even a gov­ern­ment grant. So if there’s any chance that’s what’s go­ing on, don’t waste any more time dick­ing around with loose women. Get your­self some­thing that fits.

My wife has sex dreams about me al­most ev­ery night but only wants to ac­tu­ally have sex once a week. What gives?

Your wife, ap­par­ently. By my cal­cu­la­tions (which are not good), Dream You gets more than six times as much as You You. And we have no idea what he’s ca­pa­ble of, or who or what he’s bring­ing along.

Do this: Ask your wife to de­scribe these en­coun­ters in in­tri­cate de­tail. Who is this guy? What’s he like? Does he use spe­cial light­ing or props? Does he wear cow­boy boots? Is he like you at all? Re­mind her that he can’t just be some face­less specter be­hind the pa­rade of dicks she con­fronts in her dreams each night. Get as good a sense of this six-times-a-weeker as you can— even go into her dreams if nec­es­sary. (There are in­struc­tions for do­ing this in the movie In­cep­tion, I think, around hour three.) Then sim­ply re­make your­self into her ideal ver­sion of you, which you should really be do­ing any­way. Work hard, stay firm, and give it ev­ery­thing you’ve got on your night. I’m sure after a while you can cover some of his shifts.

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